Progressive Parenting

Parenting styles vary from house to house and from generation to generation. Our children learn about new things and ideas every day, teaching us about concepts that never even existed when we were their age. So much information is out there to process and download, that it’s amazing we have time for much else.

I am constantly learning, from my son and from simply observing, listening, and engaging in conversations that help me evolve. I have had the pleasure of being able to learn about myself, and see life – and people -  through the eyes of a child since becoming a mother.

My son and I have an amazing relationship, and now, as I prepare (mentally) to celebrate his 6th birthday (Where has the time gone?), I am ever so grateful for the tools I’ve been able to implement from the Redirecting Children’s Behavior (RCB) course I took over three years ago. I am able to see too, how the methods I’ve learned have also had to evolve as my son has gotten older.

Since becoming a Certified Parent Educator, I’ve been able to help dozens of families (I’m not exaggerating) with temper tantrums, potty-training, sibling rivalry, dealing with divorce and all sorts of other issues that the average family goes through.

It all comes down to communication.

If I hadn’t been such a passionate parent from the beginning, I don’t think I would feel as successful right now, but in witnessing my son and having him now be old enough to understand, and express how he feels, I know we have been blessed with the greatest gift, having been and having the opportunity to share it with others.

Growing up, I had a rocky relationship with my dad. We still don’t talk that often, and when we do, it’s very much like a boss talking to his employee since we never really were all that close (yes, he was the authoritarian parent). My mom and I, on the other hand, shared everything – and still do (she would be the permissive one). She’s probably the only person who’s read each and every blog post here over the last two years (except for my ex-husband’s lawyer, but that’s a whole other blog post, entirely) and oftentimes I wonder if I share too much information with her (she’s on Facebook too).

The parenting styles of my mom and dad were the exact opposite of one another and I had a hard time figuring the two of them out – as I was trying to figure myself out.

At one point in my late teens, I announced to my mom that I was never going to have kids. I wanted to break it to her early, so she could be prepared and made sure to point out that she’d still have grandchildren, since my sister was there to make up for my lack of babies.

She just looked at me and simply said, “You’ll change your mind.” I was annoyed with her response and wanted so badly to prove her wrong, to be able to say, “I told you so,” because that’s what I did back then, rebelled against both of my parents.

They’re still married (nearly 38 years now). Somehow, having opposite parenting styles didn’t tear them apart, but I know that was a major reason behind why my ex-husband and I couldn’t make our marriage work. We parented from the opposite ends of the spectrum as well, and it wasn’t until after we  separated (and both took the RCB course), that our parenting styles became more in alignment with what we both wanted to expose our son to.

I’m reading a few books right now that are helping me understand parenting styles (and myself) more in-depth. One is called Partnership Parenting: How Men and Women Parent Differently – Why It Helps Your Kids and Can Strengthen Your Marriage. I’m also reading The Co-Parenting Survival Guide, and after reading them both, I plan on sharing the information, along with my personal experience, with future clients and work to improve my relationship with my son (all fine things in life improve with age).

Happy Healthy Hip Parenting
Peace Begins in the Home

What Makes Carla a Happy Healthy Hip Parent

I met Carla through our Single Parents Connection on Facebook. She’s a single mother of three. Her oldest, Bud, is 13. Kaitybug is 11 and Miss E is 6.

Like many single parents, Carla works numerous jobs. She is a substitute teacher, an on-air talent for Froggy 106.7 and a Recovery Coordinator for her church.

Carla took some time out of her hectic schedule to talk about what makes her a happy, healthy, hip parent.

1) What makes you happy, as a parent (besides when your kids finally fall asleep)?

As a single mom I’m not ashamed to admit it’s having a night off!

2) What’s the healthiest thing about your relationship with your children?

I let them feel what they feel. I was taught “cry today, get up tomorrow,” but I want my kids to know that it’s ok to have a bad day. I want them to live life instead of plowing through it.

3) Kids say the cutest things. What is the funniest story you recall about each of your children?

Miss E. is the comedian of the family but her most recent funny moment was this Halloween. She was a bee… “so I can sting the boys.”

When Bud was in sixth grade we started talking about his future and how to achieve his goals. He wanted to get online and look at colleges so I showed him how; five minutes went by and I heard “Mom I’ve found the college for me!” I asked how he knew it was the one to which he replied, “Because it has two floors in the cafeteria!” I was quickly reminded that he’s still very much a kid.

Kaitybug likes to tell on me. I got pulled over by a police officer for speeding and while he was standing at the window asking for my information she piped up and said “Hey Mom, does he know you ran that red light too?”

4) What is your biggest parenting challenge?

Crawling into bed at night and not having someone there to fall into.

5) What’s your favorite family-friendly restaurant (name and city, please).

Casa Mare in Fort Wayne, IN.

6) What’s your favorite activity you enjoy with your children?

It’s different with each of them…I love when I put Miss E. to bed and we say our prayers. She is truly selfless in those moments. With Kaitybug she and I are growing closer and I’m watching her become a young lady. I love to listen to her talk about her friends while she helps me cook. And my son…my favorite thing to do with him is take him out to eat alone. I get his full attention and he gets mine. It means a lot to him, which in turn means a lot to me.

7) How would your children describe you?

A few weeks ago we had a meeting at church which my son and I were apart of. We each had assigned seats so he sat at the back of the room and I was at the front. At the beginning of the meeting, we were asked if anyone wanted to share good things going on or blessings in their life. A few people stood up and shared and then my son stood up. He said with a trembling lip, “I am so thankful my mom is my mom. She taught us about God and that changed our life. My mom is my hero.”

My children and I have been through so much in their short time on this Earth and that night he gave me hope that maybe, just maybe, they see my heart above my past. They hear my love above my words. The feel God above the moment.

8) Who or where do you go to for parenting advice?

I have an inner circle of friends that know my heart and know my past. They aren’t afraid to tell me the truth and I have the utmost respect for each of them so I turn to them often. But before any of that, I pray. I simply pray.

9) What advice would you give to new or expecting parents?

Your job is to be their parent not their friend.

10) What is your proudest parenting moment?

When someone tells me how much they enjoy being around my kids, not because of my parenting but because of the people they are…I think my kids are awesome and love to hear when others see them that way too!

Carla is an inspiration to all parents and I truly believe that her kids are the wonderful people they are because of her. Children learn by example, and through hard work, discipline and balancing work and family successfully, Carla’s three children are just as successful; just as happy, healthy and hip.

Happy Healthy Hip Parenting
Peace Begins in the Home

Happy Being Single

It’s interesting to see how single women and men, with or without children, seem to always be questioned about their relationship status. My friends from college joined me last night for drinks. There were five us there and each of us had quite a unique situation going on in our lives and each one of us was perfectly content with the way things are going.

I chat an awful lot about my personal relationships so readers know that I’m content being single, and am still having many of my needs met from different sources in my life. Let me share with you the status of the four friends that were at my table.

One friend is married. He has a toddler and Baby #2 on the way. Another friend is engaged and getting ready to start her life in a new city with her future husband. Another friend is preparing for her wedding next year. They have been together for about a decade and have a son together. They’ve been living as a married couple for many years but are making it official next summer. And last, but certainly not least, there was a friend there who is also single. He has no children, has never been married and is not dating anyone at the moment.

Each one of our situations and experiences are quite unique. Each one of us is pretty honest and open about the way our lives have turned out and brought us to the place we are now. I am so pleased that we have been able to keep in touch and that we all make time to get together every once in a while to catch up.

Since my single friend and I had much in common – between people asking us about marriage and whether or not we’ll settle down with anyone and questions about kids and whether or not we see babies in our future, I decided to talk to him about being single.

The two of us continued the conversation after the others at the table went home. He and I discussed how satisfied we are with our lives right now and the idea that somehow every one is meant to have a life partner doesn’t quite work for us.

I think that, for me, I was always meant to be alone. And being alone no longer equates to loneliness. I admit, there are times I feel lonely and yearn for people who are far away, or miss having someone to wake up with each morning, but for the most part, I enjoy single life.

I like dating and getting to know people and having them in my life for certain periods of time and for different reasons. I am not actively looking for someone to spend the rest of my life with or be a dad figure to my son. I would be perfectly happy if I were in the same position by the time I turn forty.

There is one thing that I do think about changing with regards to my family. I would like to have a second child someday. Perhaps even a third. Do I start trying to conceive now so my son would be five when I have the second, or do I wait until a man comes along that is willing to help me raise a child?

Many men, and women, choose to be single parents from day one. There’s a term for them. They’re called intentionally single parents and while I don’t think I would ever label myself this way if I did decide to raise another baby on my own, I do think that there needs to be more support for these types of families.

I think I’ll throw it out there to the men in my life, the fact that I want to have another baby someday. Actually, most of them already know that I wouldn’t mind having a second. What I don’t think I’ve shared with them is that I wouldn’t mind taking on that job solo. I wonder how many men would be willing to be a donor, willing to help me make this happen while being able to step aside and let me play Mom one more time.

What do you think? Is this a selfish decision that one makes or is this me craving a baby because I’m spending time this week with my 8 week old nephew? The jury’s still out on what will happen next and I don’t like living in absolutes. I’d be curious to know what readers think.

Happy Healthy Hip Parenting
Peace Begins in the Home

Child, Sleep and Single Parents

What do these three things have in common: Children, Sleep and Single Parents.

Well, let’s just say that single parents *most likely* get less sleep than parents with partners. I’m speculating here but I’d love to know what you think about this and the following articles:

• 50% of Foster Kids are On Psychiatric Medications (The statistics they point to in this article are based only on reports from the state of Texas. I think this has much more to say about the programs run in that state than anything else…Can anyone point to stats on children in other states or nationally?)

• Problems with Sleep Deprivation (I swear I didn’t write in for this, but this easily could’ve been me as it describes me perfectly, and why I’m writing this at three in the morning.)

• Will Companies Discriminate Against Children of Single Parents? (It frustrates me that the person writing this – and many others, I’m sure – assume that ‘single parent’ means parenting alone. I’m a single parent (aka not married) but my son’s father is equally involved – if not more so than the stereotypical dad. But I don’t generalize like the author of this article has.)

For more articles relating to psychology, visit the Alltop directory.

Happy Healthy Hip Parenting
Peace Begins in the Home

Pregnancy Pact

This saddens me:

Teen Girls Make Pact to Get Pregnant

I can’t even begin to comment. But, The Blogess did a great job and pretty much covers everything I would’ve said, were I not drinking decaf espresso (I’ll save that story for another day).

Happy Healthy Hip Parenting
Peace Begins in the Home

Staying Together for the Children

In an unhappy marriage many couples will suffer through the days and nights for the sake of the kids. There have been many arguments, debates, discussions and even research on the topic.

Some people say arguing in front of the kids can be healthy for them if only you also make up in front of them. I tend to believe that those who choose not to argue in front of their children end up holding in their feelings and emotions get pent up and sometimes the issues never get resolved, only postponed until another time when things have become more heated.

Some believe that staying together for the sake of the children is unhealthy for everyone and having lived through a marriage that endured many difficult and tense situations, I am one of these people.

Children learn what they live. They look to the adults in their lives as role models and tend to copy the things they say and do. Parents living together provide the model of an adult relationship that the child sees as “normal.” My son’s father and I decided that since we were not modeling a loving relationship then we weren’t reflecting what a healthy adult relationship is about to our son.

Our divorce was more devastating to the two of us than it was to our son. He knew that he was loved unconditionally by the two of us and we continue to communicate and keep one another aware of what is happening when the other parent is not present. Just today the three of us enjoyed yogurt together to reinforce the knowledge that we will always be a family and are always there for our son.

I realize that our situation is not typical. Research has been done on divorce and its effects on children. I would have to argue that the people who find divorce damaging to children haven’t personally experienced living in a household where tension and negativity fill the environment.

Discover some practical advice for those who are having a difficult time in their relationship, and read more about staying together for the kids and possibly one of the most important decisions two people could make.

Happy Healthy Hip Parenting
Peace Begins in the Home

Thoughts After Visiting Dad’s House

I’m a single, working mom, but I’m one of the lucky ones. My son’s father is equally involved and just as equally interested in his son’s education, etc.

When people hear that I’m a single mom, they typically say something like, “I don’t know how you do it on your own.” Well, let me be the first to tell you that there is no way in hell that I could’ve gotten this far on my own.

Even though my parents and extended family and friends are thousands of miles away, they’ve been an amazing support system for me. I’ve also created a wonderful commUNITY here in the last several years that is made up of dozens of moms and dads (single or otherwise). And yes, my former husband has been a big help, too.

When we got married, we both knew that we wanted children. In fact, we were so certain that we wanted a child that we got married to ensure that it would happen. You know, “First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes the baby in the baby carriage.”

After a few years together, we discovered that we are the best parents we can possibly be to our son when we’re not living together.

Over at Dad’s House, I would imagine that he’s just as involved in his children’s life as my former husband is. We are on a 2-3-2 schedule (if anyone is interested or knows what that even means) but Dad steps up and has our son during the times I’m gone on business (quite often).

When I started my company and began to narrow my focus on what I would be specializing in as a Certified Parent Educator, my first thought was wanting to work with single parents. That focus then changed to working with any and all parents since I want to help anyone who is willing to sit down and work on being a better mom or dad than they already are.

I can’t imagine having to be a full-time mom to my son without his dad in the picture. We’re not all in the same house any more, and it’s often times quite frustrating, but the three of us will always be a family. And family will always come first.

Happy Healthy Hip Parenting
Peace Begins in the Home

An Intentional Single Father

I discovered FatherMag.com this morning and have been reading interesting articles that I think many parents – both moms and dads – can relate to. This one in particular, on intentional parents, intrigued me (the article starts below the photo). I’m curious as to what others think about these unique families.

I have thought about this myself, having another child on my own, but I know that the timing is not right just yet. There are many women who choose to raise children on their own and I’m sure there are many more men out there, like John, who do the same. I’m assuming they don’t receive the same support from society as females do.

John: I think people who let romantic relationships get mixed up with raising children are being impulsive and self indulgent. They usually end up creating a lot of stress and unhappiness for themselves and their kids.

FatherMag: Some people might say your approach isn’t the ‘natural’ way of doing things.

John: Neither is flying, except for birds. But a lot of people will get in an airplane if it takes them where they want to go.

What do you think?

Happy Healthy Hip Parenting
Peace Begins in the Home

Single Parent Fun

This is the first single parent offer I’ve seen. I wish more companies would support single parent families in similar ways. I’m thinking about taking advantage of this offer, simply because it’s a great way to have fun, spend time with my son and meet other single parents learning to manage the delicate balance of work, home and single life.

To honor single parents everywhere, we are waiving the single supplement fee (up to $190 per night) at all our resorts when you stay 3 nights or longer. Come and enjoy a much-deserved vacation under the Caribbean sun during Single Parent Fun months. Enjoy tailored activities such as Single Parent Welcome Receptions, Single Parent Social Cocktail Receptions, Kids Movie Night, and more! Booking Dates: 04/14/2008 – 05/12/2008 Travel Windows: 5/01/2008 – 5/31/2008 & 8/17/2008 – 10/31/2008 Coupon Code: No coupon needed

Happy Healthy Hip Parenting
Peace Begins in the Home