Merging: Marriage and Money

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When you get married or move in with your significant other, you merge more than just your finances, but the discussion about money is something that every couple should sit down and have, prior to tying the knot or signing a lease together.

When my husband and I first talked about marriage, we were practical before romantic and talked about our finances in detail. We shared with one another how much money we made and joked about how much debt we were bringing into the relationship.

One of the first things we did before getting married, was put together a spreadsheet with our income and expenses. Both of us created our own, separately, shared them with each other and then thoughtfully came up with one spreadsheet based on our combined income and expenses. We started speaking in terms of “we” and “us,” focusing on how to reduce our bills and working together to come up with a budget that was both realistic and fair.

Since we got married, I’ve taken over the responsibility of paying our bills, mostly because having one person manage the money seems to make the most sense for us. While we do have separate accounts still we have pulled all of our info together into a joint account at Mint.com which easily keeps track of what we’re spending and manages our budget for us.

Major purchases are always discussed ahead of time so we know what to set aside and how much we can truly afford. The only downside to having easy access to all of this information is that neither of us can surprise the other with a gift since every penny is tracked and organized into specific categories. Of course, that’s what cash is for.

While there are many important details to discuss prior to the wedding day, couples should recognize that money matters are nearly always a point of disagreement when not discussed in advance. Schedule a time to sit down with your partner to talk about who will pay the bills, how much you plan on saving, investing, and spending. You’ll be glad you did.

Happy Healthy Hip Parenting
Peace Begins in the Home

Emptying the Nest

While I have been busy dealing with the expansion of our family unit, others moms in my circle have been preparing for the empty nest phase. I can’t imagine another transition that comes with more stress or emotion.

Today’s young people are growing up at such a fast pace. Parents are having to educate themselves on how to best prepare their offspring for life in the “real world,” even as the world evolves faster than most of us can comprehend.

As a Parent Educator, I work with parents of young children, for the most part. Their main concerns are trying to help their kids become more responsible and respectful, hoping to instill these qualities at a young age so that when the time comes for their kids to head out on their own, they’ll be perfectly capable of taking care of themselves and dealing with issues as an independent adult.

It’s certainly not easy.

Dr. Brad Sachs, a psychologist and father of three young adults, has written a book on Emptying the Nest, a book that is meant to reach parents before their children are launched into the world, unprepared.

In his clinical practice, Dr. Sachs realized that it was fairly common for young adults to unsuccessfully make the transition to independent life and his book serves to encourage parents to help their tweens and teens become more competent and resilient.

In analyzing this cultural phenomena through his own case studies, Dr. Sachs discusses the role of smaller family size, suggesting it may result in more helicopter parents:

Raising fewer children more easily creates the possibility of focusing too intently on those children, which in turn makes their eventual emancipation more involved and emotionally fraught for everyone involved.

These type of parents show uncertainty and ambivalence when it comes to striking the optimal balance between support and enabling, between care and overprotectiveness.

Modern technology is a contributing factor as well:

These perpetual electronic umbilical cords [instant messaging, text messages, email, video chat] can work against the process of separation…particularly when the young adult is feeling insecure about his capacity to strike out on his own.

Financial independence is also a challenge for many young adults, especially with the economy taking a turn for the worse over the last few years. “Tough economy or not…young people have simply not been expected to practice financial self-sufficiency and restraint during their adolescence, which hobbles their capacity to do so as young adults.”

Dr. Sachs goes on to discuss the developmental stages of letting go and exactly how parents can help prepare their young adults for true independence.

We see our children at various points in their development through the lens of how we remember ourselves when we were their age. And we nurture them according to how we were raised when we were at that stage.

I strongly advise parents to think back on their early adulthood with as much accuracy and objectivity as they can so that they operate with as much flexibility as possible, rather than unconsciously repeating old patterns, or reflexively opposing them.

In addition, it is worthwhile to consider being more honest with your young adult regarding what your life was like when you were his age.

He devotes an entire chapter on the relationship between mom and dad at this stage of their children’s lives:

While we tend, as mothers and fathers, to pay very careful attention to how our child-rearing behaviors affect our children’s development, we tend to minimize or even ignore how our marital behaviors affect our children’s development and the interaction between our lives as couples and as parents.

The relationship between a husband and wife can have an enormously positive or negative impact on a young adult’s efforts to separate and become self-sufficient.

With each stage of our children’s lives comes new challenges but I’m excited to know that there are great resources available for parents at every one of them. And knowing that focusing on my relationship with my husband will benefit all of us is even more encouraging.

I’m scheduling our monthly Date Night now just to keep us on track for the long – and exciting – journey ahead.

Happy Healthy Hip Parenting
Peace Begins in the Home

The Kids Are All Right

In honor of National Coming Out Day, I wanted to highlight the growing number of families that are made up of same sex parents and remind readers about the film by Focus Features that had me smiling, laughing, crying and reflecting on my own unique family. The Kids Are All Right played at independent theatres a few months ago and is due out on DVD in early November.

Now that I’m a part of a blended family, I find myself having to explain our situation on a regular basis. Several of my son’s classmates are having a hard time believing that his father is not the father of my unborn child. I’ve had to correct assumptions with other adults about the fact that I am no longer married to my son’s father.

I try extra hard not to make assumptions about other people’s situations since I know many families made up of single parents, same sex parents and blended families like my own. Some single parents are single by choice, have had a spouse who has died, or have a co-parent who is involved as much as mine is.  Some of these parents have adopted their kids, or have used other methods to bring their children into the world and may or not share their child’s last name. Each of these families are as special as the next.

No matter how your family was created, The Kids Are All Right provides a great look at life with teenage kids, a relationship with a partner that may not be as perfect as you would hope, and what it means to be a family.

Annette Bening and Julianne Moore are the parents in this film, a lesbian couple who used a sperm donor to bring their two children into the world. Mark Ruffalo plays the donor who the teenage kids end up searching for in order to find out a little more about their family history and to thank him for making it possible to be here.

While much of the film focuses on the relationship between the two women, it’s a powerful reflection  of life as a teenager (and life with teenagers) as the young characters handle awkward, yet everyday situations,  from friends who might not be the best influence, to managing romantic relationships for the first time.

The film is Rated R  so parents should be cautious before seeing this film with their kids. It had me laughing out loud in several scenes and brought me to tears in many more (dropping off their daughter at college brought back bittersweet memories of my first day on  campus). I highly recommend you add this to your Netflix queue if you haven’t had a chance to see it yet.

National Coming Out Day might be once a year, but there are things we can do each and every day to help support the LGBT community. The Coming Out Project helps LGBT, as well as straight-supportive people live openly and talk about their support for equality at home, at work and in their communities each and every day. Get involved today.

Happy Healthy Hip Parenting
Peace Begins in the Home

How it All Began

It’s been brought to my attention that although I have shared intimate details over the past year regarding my relationship with my new husband/father of my soon-to-be-here baby boy, I have not shared the story of how we met fifteen years ago…

I’m sure his version of the story is slightly different than my own, but this is how I remember it.

It was our Freshman year of college.

He was the quiet one. I was intrigued and quickly fell in love with his laugh – and his eyes. You can tell a lot about a person by their eyes.

It took me a while to get up the nerve, but after several months, I found myself face-to-face with him as we ran into each other in between classes. I casually mentioned that I had been wanting to ‘hang out’ – just the two of us – to get to know him better. I can still feel how red my face was and how sweaty my palms were when I finally said this out loud.

He was sweet and sincere and looked me in the eye when he turned me down. He had a legitimate excuse. He had recently started dating someone whom he had met in high school. I didn’t want to interfere, so I let it go.

We spent a lot of time together after that even though his relationship got serious and I got serious about dating other guys. He was always there for me when I needed a guy’s perspective on the relationships I was in.

His girlfriend spent more time with our group of friends and quickly became a familiar face and someone who I was used to having around. She attended a different school, two hours away, and would spend time in our college town every other weekend. The times when he was on his own – so to speak – was when he and I really got to know one another.

During the winter, at night, I worked at the mall, and oftentimes, he would come in to visit and we’d just sit and chat – for hours – while I pretended to get things done. In between classes, during the day (or when we were supposed to be in class) we would drive around and talk. I‘m pretty sure I did most of the talking but he never seemed to mind and I have never – to this day – found anyone who listens as well as he does.

 

Lake Superior (Where it all began)

 

Our friends started to get curious. Was there something going on between us? Why were we spending so much alone time together?

He had the same girlfriend for years. I dated different guys throughout that time and it never once occurred to me that it might seem odd or inappropriate that he and I spent so much time together. We were just friends.

During my fourth, and final, year of college, we became roommates. There were three of us sharing an apartment at the time, two guys and myself. I was in heaven after living with mostly females up until that point (no offense, but I have always gotten along better with guys).

Things were going great until I found out that I was pregnant…

 

Eleven years later, I’m pregnant again and my husband – my best friend of many years – is going to be moving to San Diego to join us soon. It’s been an incredible journey.

Through everything we’ve experienced, and over all those years and despite the distance, we remained friends, great friends. There’s nothing that I have found to be more important in maintaining such a strong, romantic relationship.

We’ve built upon the foundation that was set years ago. I was there for him after he and his girlfriend broke up. He was there for me after my divorce and helped me realize that I am much stronger than I ever knew I could be.

Through all these years, we’ve been there for one another and I am ever so grateful that we have many more years  ahead of us to share together.

The roots of our relationship are deep. We’re planting the seeds so that our boys (our baby and my son from a previous relationship) have a healthy and stable couple to look up to and learn from.

If someone had told me ten years ago that someday I’d end up married to Mr. Right, I would’ve laughed. We would’ve laughed about it together.

Love looks different at 33 than it did at 22 and it’ll look different in another decade, but I have no doubt that if we can survive – apart – what we’ve been through so far, our relationship can only get stronger as we continue to grow, live, and laugh – together.

Happy Healthy Hip Parenting
Peace Begins in the Home

Marriage Milestones

My husband flies in today for a whirlwind weekend. We’ll be discussing baby names, visiting the doctor for an ultrasound & check-up and shopping for awesome baby gear when we finally register for items we’ll need when the baby arrives. Oh, and we’ll also spending quality family time with my son. And tonight, just the two of us, we’ll be celebrating our one month wedding anniversary.

As obnoxious as it may sound, I think celebrating our anniversary monthly is a great way to ensure that our relationship remains strong and stable. After all, we celebrate our baby’s milestones by the month and pregnancy by the week. We honor half-birthdays and even when dating, couples often acknowledge their six month anniversary as they journey toward a long-term commitment.

If you’re not setting aside a special Date Night with your partner at least once a month, I highly recommend that you get out your calendars now and start scheduling them. It might not sound romantic to make an appointment with your significant other, but you know as well as I do that when that day or night comes, it’ll make all the difference in the world. My husband and I have the luxury of planning our next weekends together. The time apart is torture but having that date on the calendar to look forward to is quite exciting!

Marriage, these days, is like a marathon. We train in many ways and we have a goal in mind before we even make that commitment although some of us won’t, don’t, or shouldn’t make it across that finish line.

Which is why each mile we pass should be celebrated and with every month that my husband and I can set aside time for each other – just the two of us – there will be yet another reminder that we each have a supportive coach on the sidelines, running  or walking right with us and cheering us on the entire way.

Happy Healthy Hip Parenting
Peace Begins in the Home

Building a Strong Marriage

I know how this is going to sound to some people, but after seeing Sex and the City 2, I started to feel better about my long-distance marriage and stopped trying to analyze what it could mean for the future of our relationship. I gave up trying to explain it to others while worrying about what they might think.

Without spoiling the film (too much), I am referring to the fact that Carrie and Big have a  heavy discussion about the dynamics of their marriage that has her thinking, doubting, and hoping her friends will understand and support her. Of course, this is the major theme (that I took, at least) throughout the movie as other relationships are examined, judged and discussed as the girls enjoy their adventures in the Middle East (even though these scenes were were filmed in Morocco).

Regardless of the film’s reviews (not so good overall), I do have to say it got me – and many others, I’m sure – thinking about the dynamics of their own relationship with their significant other.

These days, there is no such thing as a traditional marriage and I’m pleased to share my experience with others since we’re all trying to navigate and define our own marriages or try to figure out what makes our relationship work.

Each couple is different. Obviously trust plays a huge role in any situation, but what else? I know for us, humor is a major factor. Being able to laugh together – even from far away – keeps us grounded and reminds us that even though we’re not together every day, there are things we can still build memories around on a regular basis.

What makes your relationship work?

Happy Healthy Hip Parenting
Peace Begins in the Home

Rules of Engagement

Most people who know me realize that I don’t do things in the traditional way. Not that I’m against tradition or feel the need to rebel all the time, but my way of doing things is simply, different.

When it comes to my relationship with Mr. Right, there’s really no right or wrong way to make our relationship work. It just does.

A few months ago, he decided to move here to San Diego. About a month later, we found out that we had a baby on the way. And just last month, we started to make plans to get married and make everything official.

Of course, because he’s still living in another state, it makes things a bit tricky, but for obvious reasons, we were both so excited to move forward with our lives and make plans to start our future together that we decided to get married now. As in this week. Less than a few days from the time I type this.

My son is very excited, too. He’ll be the ring bearer and wants to take pictures as well so we’re making it happen. We want this day to be just as memorable for him as it will be for us so the ceremony will be on the beach and the three of us will enjoy ice cream afterwards (his favorite treat).

And even though Mr. Right will have to hop on a plane and return home the very next day, we still couldn’t think of a better way to begin our new life together. It will be perfect.

Happy Healthy Hip Parenting
Peace Begins in the Home

A controversial look at breastfeeding

When it comes to breastfeeding, most people have a pretty strong opinion, one way or the other, on whether or not breastfeeding is right for them and what rights a breastfeeding woman has. Most of us are well aware of the benefits breastfeeding provides, both to the mom and the baby, but I don’t think many people are aware of the implications that Rabbi Schmuley brings up in his highly controversial article where he claims that breastfeeding can hurt marriages.

I’ll let you read the original article yourself (dating back to 2006) which was recently re-printed, no doubt in order to stir up controversy and to increase traffic to the site which published it. Rabbi Schmuley has since written a rebuttal about the original article and claims that his views and beliefs were misrepresented. I highly recommend that you read both articles before forming an opinion on the Rabbi, or what the original article claims.

What I took from the article though, what stood out to me, was the idea that breastfeeding could, possibly, may have a detrimental affect on one’s adult relationship.

I don’t think this happens in many relationships and certainly not with the women and men who I know, who communicate with one another and would never let something like this interfere with their marriage or intimate relationship, but it’s not to say that this hasn’t been an issue in some families.

I also know that when it comes to having a successful marriage or relationship, putting your child first is not part of the equation.

Recently, at the She’s Having a Baby event in Beverly Hills, I had the pleasure of attending the seminar with Tisha Campbell Martin, where I wanted to stand up and applaud when she shared with the audience the discussion she had with her husband before they ever became parents.

He wanted to make sure that they continued to put themselves first, and then the two of them as a couple, before their children. He was convinced that this would ensure a successful and happy marriage. They’ve been together for over twenty years and have two beautiful children.

I cannot agree more with this idea that putting ourselves first and our relationship as a couple next provides the root system that children grow from. It’s when we lose sight of who we are as individuals and as a couple that issues and challenges start to break down a relationship rather than being a cause to rally together and overcome it as a team.

Date nights might be hard to come by, especially when your children are young, but setting aside 15 minutes of alone time with your partner every day (morning and night) is a simple way to offer your daily undivided attention to one another and give each other that intimacy that you each deserve.

Finding time for yourself might be just as tricky, but if you share the same beliefs with your partner, letting each other have a night off from time to time (or an hour or two on the weekends) provides you with a great deal of breathing room that you also deserve.

Your family is important. Your child’s health is important as well, but what could be more special than cuddling up with your partner on the couch after 20 years and still feeling that same sense of intimacy that once brought you together. I hope we can all experience that someday and I believe our children will benefit from that even more.

Happy Healthy Hip Parenting
Peace Begins in the Home

Modern Family

Most fairy tales finish with a happy ending, but the story does still come to an end.

Our story, too, includes a happy ending, only it’s just the beginning to a new chapter.

I am thankful for your support and grateful for the advice, encouragement and insight you provided as I shared my story with you over the last several months, the one that Mr. Right has starred in with me – our adventure in this long-distance romance.

Our relationship works for so many reasons, although the distance and time spent apart isn’t working, which is why we have decided to finally (eventually) transition to a same-city partnership.

Partnerships, at least successful ones, don’t happen overnight. There are a great many details that must be discussed before we can move forward and put these plans into action.

That is what the next six months will be about. Our happily ever after is just around the corner and we know there are several ways to get there, we’re just taking our time in mapping out what the path before us will look like. What we know for sure is that Mr. Right will be moving here. We will finally be together.

I’m very excited. I’m both anxious and eager for Mr. Right to become a full-time member of our modern, blended little family. I’m overwhelmed at the idea and thrilled to have such an exciting adventure to look forward to.

Fifteen years in the making. It’s still very surreal but I keep pinching myself to remind me that this is no longer just a dream. It’s really happening!

Thank you for joining us on this journey. It’s been a fun, exciting ride and it’s only going to get better.

Happy Healthy Hip Parenting
Peace Begins in the Home

How Having a Child Changed My Outlook on Dating and Romantic Relationships

Now that I have a child, I look at dating and relationships much differently.

Becoming a mom has changed my perspective and my choice of partners. It has also provided me with a greater understanding, and acceptance, of those I let into my heart.

My son does things that cause me great frustration and I still love him something fierce. He can say or do anything and my feelings for him and about him do not change.

Unconditional love. It’s when we bring a child into our world (and into our hearts) that we truly comprehend this concept, and how powerfully healing it can be.

I look at Mr. Right and think about all of the amazing qualities he has, the wonderful and thoughtful things he has done for me, gifts he has made with his own hands. I could stare at them all day, mostly because he put so much time and energy into creating something especially, and only, for me. (I look at my son and his creations the same way.)

When we’re together, I don’t want to miss a thing. I take in every detail, paying attention to how my senses are affected – heightened – and how near tears I am at any given moment, my heart overflowing.

When I first brought my son home and even in the hospital, I wanted to stare at him all day and night. I didn’t want to sleep for fear I would miss something, a tiny detail that only a mom could see. I beam with pride when I watch him now, six years later: talking, learning, leaping and loving life.

Unconditional love. Imagine if we looked at every relationship and every person the same way we see our children. As perfect beings. Nothing less.

I accept Mr. Right for everything he is, all that he is not. I don’t want him to change, and yet I know I’d love him just the same if he did. We grow together, blossom in each other’s presence, just as the relationship with my son evolves and develops over time.

Having my son has given me a new perspective, one that I am ever so grateful for. Finding true love has changed my outlook as well.

Perfection. All around me. I am truly blessed.

Happy Healthy Hip Parenting
Peace Begins in the Home