The Kids Are All Right

In honor of National Coming Out Day, I wanted to highlight the growing number of families that are made up of same sex parents and remind readers about the film by Focus Features that had me smiling, laughing, crying and reflecting on my own unique family. The Kids Are All Right played at independent theatres a few months ago and is due out on DVD in early November.

Now that I’m a part of a blended family, I find myself having to explain our situation on a regular basis. Several of my son’s classmates are having a hard time believing that his father is not the father of my unborn child. I’ve had to correct assumptions with other adults about the fact that I am no longer married to my son’s father.

I try extra hard not to make assumptions about other people’s situations since I know many families made up of single parents, same sex parents and blended families like my own. Some single parents are single by choice, have had a spouse who has died, or have a co-parent who is involved as much as mine is.  Some of these parents have adopted their kids, or have used other methods to bring their children into the world and may or not share their child’s last name. Each of these families are as special as the next.

No matter how your family was created, The Kids Are All Right provides a great look at life with teenage kids, a relationship with a partner that may not be as perfect as you would hope, and what it means to be a family.

Annette Bening and Julianne Moore are the parents in this film, a lesbian couple who used a sperm donor to bring their two children into the world. Mark Ruffalo plays the donor who the teenage kids end up searching for in order to find out a little more about their family history and to thank him for making it possible to be here.

While much of the film focuses on the relationship between the two women, it’s a powerful reflection  of life as a teenager (and life with teenagers) as the young characters handle awkward, yet everyday situations,  from friends who might not be the best influence, to managing romantic relationships for the first time.

The film is Rated R  so parents should be cautious before seeing this film with their kids. It had me laughing out loud in several scenes and brought me to tears in many more (dropping off their daughter at college brought back bittersweet memories of my first day on  campus). I highly recommend you add this to your Netflix queue if you haven’t had a chance to see it yet.

National Coming Out Day might be once a year, but there are things we can do each and every day to help support the LGBT community. The Coming Out Project helps LGBT, as well as straight-supportive people live openly and talk about their support for equality at home, at work and in their communities each and every day. Get involved today.

Happy Healthy Hip Parenting
Peace Begins in the Home

Are you an Opinionated Mama?

The O-mama ladies sure know how to treat a lady!

I was so excited to be invited to the Tribute to Mommy Bloggers sponsored by the O-mama mamas (Debbie and Michelle). As soon as I walked in to their headquarters (the private home of one of the founders), I was greeted by lovely, smiling ladies who welcomed me and ushered me into the peaceful setting in the backyard where I was promptly offered a manicure. Immediately, I sat down, overlooking the pool and the area designated for a pilates class and sipped on some lovely Mocktails while I was treated to a manicure and pedicure (provided by Spa-Go’s).

Pedicure Time

My son wasn’t able to skip school to attend, the kids that were there were sequestered to the opposite side of the backyard where they were equally pampered. Face painting, crafts and a bouncy house kept them occupied while the mamas sat back and relaxed, sipping on Mocktails and enjoying the lovely cooking demonstration by Wade Williams of Picnic of L.A.

Besides all the pampering, we got to discuss some pretty hot topics with some hot moms – hot because they aren’t afraid to say what’s on their mind and hot because they’re beautiful (smart women usually are)!

I joined O-mama and selected the topics that are of interest to me. You can head over there, join groups that you belong to (divorced mamas, stay-at-home mamas, Republican mamas, Democratic mamas, etc.) and share your opinion. Every discussion is respectful, thoughtful and inspiring, so head over to discuss, debate and share some insight with some other hot mamas!

Happy Healthy Hip Parenting
Peace Begins in the Home

You Deserve a Treat

I share a lot of personal stories with my clients when they have me all to themselves. This one usually gets a strong response from parents.

A few years ago, when I was working full-time, my son and I would go to the grocery store on Saturday mornings. It was the first thing I’d want to do when I woke up since there was a coffee shop located inside the store and I would get cranky if I didn’t get my morning Starbucks that I was used to having during the week. The office where I worked was right across the street from Starbucks, so Monday through Friday, I would enjoy a mocha or latte, whatever my preference was each day. I didn’t think anything of it.

Saturday mornings would come and my body was trained to crave, and expect, Starbucks. The first thing I would do when we stepped inside the store, after getting him in the shopping cart, was head to the counter to order my drink.

After several months of this same routine, he surprised me one morning by asking if he could get a toy while we were there. I reacted like many parents would. I said, “No, not today,” but his response to that hit me hard.

He looked at me, watched as I took a sip my coffee and said (in a tone that I could not believe was coming from a 4-year-old boy), “But you get a treat every time!”

Wow. He was absolutely right. Here I was, “rewarding” myself every single time we stepped into the grocery store with a sugary, caffeinated “treat” while he sat there and watched me enjoy it. He finally put two and two together and asked, very politely, if he could have a little something too.

That conversation changed my outlook on many things in my life, how I took for granted the luxuries that I afforded myself and what my son was picking up from the simple actions he was witness to.

It forced me to re-evaluate the messages I was sending to him about money, what we could afford, realistically, and what I was telling him he deserved, based on the treats that I felt I deserved. It made me redefine what “deserve” even meant, for myself, for him, and for others in my life.

Our kids deserve a healthy model for spending money and an appreciation for the things we have or are given. They need to be told, “No,” every once in a while, but if we continue to say, “No,” on a regular basis, they’ll eventually stop asking for what they want, thinking that they don’t deserve it.

I don’t say, “Yes,” to him every time he asks for something, but I do spend more time saying, “No,” to myself, evaluating my wants versus my needs and establishing a baseline for my spending habits  (which are much easier to control now that I have a strict budget to adhere to since losing my job last year).

My son has taught me so much in these last six years that it’s hard to believe that I’m the adult sometimes. I have changed so much since becoming a parent, doing things differently, taking my time when making decisions and thinking about the long-term consequences in regards to situations that may affect my son or our relationship.

I put my son’s best interests before mine at times, which is what makes this whole parenting thing so challenging. We all make sacrifices and do or say things that we might not have done or said before having a child, but this adventure allows us to evolve as individuals and inspires us to do better.

We all deserve that.

Happy Healthy Hip Parenting
Peace Begins in the Home

Dear Mom and Dad, I Forgive You

Today is National Forgive Your Parents Day. I admit, it’s one that I had not heard of until this year but it struck me as being a rather important event in many people’s lives.

Becoming a parent and seeing my son develop and go through different stages in our process of forming our parent & child bond has made me all the more aware of the ways in which my parents parented and what I plan on doing differently with my son.

Let’s face it, every generation does things differently. We communicate differently, we educate differently and we parent differently. Hopefully, we can learn from past generations about what changes we can make in our homes so that we can build a stronger relationship with our children and not have them cringe when they think about us as become adults and we become the in-laws.

One of the first things I do when I take on a new client is have them fill out a questionnaire with several questions about their childhood, their parents and their emotions surrounding the relationship they currently have with their mom, dad, and even their siblings.

For many people, this is a simple exercise. For others, it’s painful and challenging, but no matter what answers are presented on paper, the more important thing these individuals take away from the experience, is their awareness and their need to forgive their parents, regardless of whether or not they sit down and have a conversation with them.

Some adults don’t end up truly forgiving their parents until after they’ve passed away. Others go through a phase where they don’t communicate with them at all and connect with them after one of them reaches out and asks to be forgiven.

I recommend this – write a letter to your parents, either addressing both mom and dad together or separately, and say all the things you might not be able to say to them directly. You don’t have to send the letter, or hit send if you’re drafting an email, but sit with it a while. Come back to it days later, weeks later, months sometimes, depending on how connected you are with them.

Some might actually decide later on that this is the type of letter that needs to be sent. Good for you. If you have a relationship with your parents where forgiveness doesn’t seem like something that needs to be addressed, then take a look at the relationship you have with your children. Is this a letter that you think they’ll write to you someday? Start now by changing what needs to be fixed, enhancing what has sometimes been ignored, or reach out more often to a child who has started to push you away.

Forgiveness is essential to living a healthy life. Forgiving yourself, those around you and allowing the past to remain where it belongs is a necessary ingredient to move forward gracefully.

Dear Mom and Dad, I Forgive You.

Happy Healthy Hip Parenting
Peace Begins in the Home

All I Really Need to Know About Parenting, I Learned From Watching Mad Men

Along with everything else in this world, parenting practices evolve over time. Watching AMC’s Mad Men reminds us that things, and we as a culture change, usually for the better and with good reason.

One of my favorite scenes shows Betty Draper sitting at the kitchen table, smoking yet another cigarette, while Sally runs through with a garment bag over her head. Betty does not address the plastic bag, but does make it clear that she expects to find the clothes that were once inside it  in perfect condition. She  is clearly annoyed with the interruption, asking Sally to play in the other room, blowing second-hand smoke in her direction as she leaves the room.

In another episode, Betty’s thoughts distract her while she’s driving. The camera pans between her in the front and the two kids playing in the back seat, climbing over the seats, clearly before the time of seat belt laws or car seats.  When the car ends up on the curb, the kids wind up on the floor of the car, luckily unharmed.

Sally, it turns out, is a great bartender, mixing drinks for her parents and their guests, although at one point, she helps herself to a drink when she’s in the Sterling Cooper office and Don ends up carrying her out after she falls asleep.

In another episode, Betty shows her disappointment in her husband, Don, for being so lenient with their son, Bobby. “Do you think you’d be the man you are today if your father didn’t hit you?” she asks. Later in the same episode, Don reveals his real feelings towards his father and the angry violence he endured. “My father beat the hell out of me. All it did was make me fantasize about the day I could murder him.”

Watching a scene from Mad Men that involves the children leaves most people feeling awkward and uncomfortable, remembering what it was like as a child and thinking about how we react now as a parent. Emotions and feelings are typically ignored and dismissed in the series,  or handled in aggressive and unhealthy ways, like drinking to excess, having affairs and taking things out on the kids. When Betty and Don sit down to tell the kids of their  plans to separate, it creates a very uneasy feeling for those of us who have  ever sat on either side of the couch during that same conversation, recalling the emotions and the difficult questions that no one seems to have the answers to.

Betty finds Sally smoking in another episode, simply imitating the adults around her, a pretty common practice for kids. It makes me a bit nostalgic for the candy cigarettes I used to practice with when I was a child.

Overall, Mad Men serves as a wonderful time capsule into the life and times of the 1960s, an era  in which our culture and society went through many changes, effecting everything from business practices to parenting and family issues, all of which are represented in the ads that Sterling Cooper creates inside the boardroom.

Mad Men, if nothing else, allows us to pat ourselves on the back for the way we parent today, but note that in another fifty years, our own grown children (and grandchildren) will be looking back on these current times and wondering what we were all thinking (or smoking).

Happy Healthy Hip Parenting
Peace Begins in the Home

Progressive Parenting

Parenting styles vary from house to house and from generation to generation. Our children learn about new things and ideas every day, teaching us about concepts that never even existed when we were their age. So much information is out there to process and download, that it’s amazing we have time for much else.

I am constantly learning, from my son and from simply observing, listening, and engaging in conversations that help me evolve. I have had the pleasure of being able to learn about myself, and see life – and people -  through the eyes of a child since becoming a mother.

My son and I have an amazing relationship, and now, as I prepare (mentally) to celebrate his 6th birthday (Where has the time gone?), I am ever so grateful for the tools I’ve been able to implement from the Redirecting Children’s Behavior (RCB) course I took over three years ago. I am able to see too, how the methods I’ve learned have also had to evolve as my son has gotten older.

Since becoming a Certified Parent Educator, I’ve been able to help dozens of families (I’m not exaggerating) with temper tantrums, potty-training, sibling rivalry, dealing with divorce and all sorts of other issues that the average family goes through.

It all comes down to communication.

If I hadn’t been such a passionate parent from the beginning, I don’t think I would feel as successful right now, but in witnessing my son and having him now be old enough to understand, and express how he feels, I know we have been blessed with the greatest gift, having been and having the opportunity to share it with others.

Growing up, I had a rocky relationship with my dad. We still don’t talk that often, and when we do, it’s very much like a boss talking to his employee since we never really were all that close (yes, he was the authoritarian parent). My mom and I, on the other hand, shared everything – and still do (she would be the permissive one). She’s probably the only person who’s read each and every blog post here over the last two years (except for my ex-husband’s lawyer, but that’s a whole other blog post, entirely) and oftentimes I wonder if I share too much information with her (she’s on Facebook too).

The parenting styles of my mom and dad were the exact opposite of one another and I had a hard time figuring the two of them out – as I was trying to figure myself out.

At one point in my late teens, I announced to my mom that I was never going to have kids. I wanted to break it to her early, so she could be prepared and made sure to point out that she’d still have grandchildren, since my sister was there to make up for my lack of babies.

She just looked at me and simply said, “You’ll change your mind.” I was annoyed with her response and wanted so badly to prove her wrong, to be able to say, “I told you so,” because that’s what I did back then, rebelled against both of my parents.

They’re still married (nearly 38 years now). Somehow, having opposite parenting styles didn’t tear them apart, but I know that was a major reason behind why my ex-husband and I couldn’t make our marriage work. We parented from the opposite ends of the spectrum as well, and it wasn’t until after we  separated (and both took the RCB course), that our parenting styles became more in alignment with what we both wanted to expose our son to.

I’m reading a few books right now that are helping me understand parenting styles (and myself) more in-depth. One is called Partnership Parenting: How Men and Women Parent Differently – Why It Helps Your Kids and Can Strengthen Your Marriage. I’m also reading The Co-Parenting Survival Guide, and after reading them both, I plan on sharing the information, along with my personal experience, with future clients and work to improve my relationship with my son (all fine things in life improve with age).

Happy Healthy Hip Parenting
Peace Begins in the Home

How Thirsty Are You?

By Steve Goodier

Isn’t it wonderful when we get thirsty – not for water, but thirsty to chase a dream or to so something different?  I think it is those people who crave something with an unquenchable thirst who, in the end, are likely to be most satisfied with their lives.

Alan C. Elliott talks in his book, A Daily Dose of the American Dream, of a five-year study that was undertaken to discover what made some people extraordinarily successful. The study consisted of detailed research into the lives of 120 of the nation’s top artists, athletes, and scholars.

He reports that the researcher was surprised to find that natural abilities played only a small part in the development of those individuals. As children, these unusually successful adults were often mediocre musicians, athletes or students. But research found that they possessed a powerful thirst to succeed. They practiced the piano for hours every day, rose well before school in the morning to practice swimming or running, or spent huge chunks of time alone (time they could have spent hanging out with friends) working on science projects or painting.

Parental support was also a key factor. Parents of these extraordinarily thirsty young people helped out, exposing their children to great ideas and influential persons. Many sacrificed to ensure that their offspring received good training.  But in the end, it was their children’s thirst and single-mindedness that made the difference.

The principle applies to adults, too.  If you want to be more successful, the question you might first ask yourself is, “How thirsty am I?” Your success in any field you choose, anything you want to be or anything you want to do will hinge on your answer to that simple question.

Happy Healthy Hip Parenting
Peace Begins in the Home

What Moms Really Think about Grandparents!

A few months back I was asked to provide input for an article that Susan Avery was putting together for Grandparents.com. She asked for my opinion on whether or not my mom or mother-in-law interferes or if I could offer some general advice for grandparents.

I was happy to share my two cents, which appears in her slide show, along with over a dozen other suggestions from some pretty amazing Mommy Bloggers.

Here’s a list of the bloggers who are included in the slide show and whom I am honored to be listed alongside:

• Tara Mandy from Stroller Traffic
• Michelle Little from One Chic Mama
• Valerie Gray from Mom Knows it All
• Ada Calhoun from Babble
• Sue Waite-Langley from Creative Tutors
• Kimberly Coleman from Mom in the City
• Ashley Sanders from Boss Sanders
• Cheryl Lage from Twinfatuation
• Deb Steenhagen from Mom of 3 Girls
• Diane Kidman from dk Mommy Spot
• Jennifer Singer from Momma Said
• Glennia Campbell from The Silent T
• Debbie Arora from Missives from Suburbia
• Anna Fader from Mommy Poppins
• Dawn Yun from The Writing Mamas Salon
• Carissa Rogers from Good N Crazy
• Jill Smokler from Scary Mommy
• Kim Kotecki from Kim & Jason Escape Adulthood
• Jo-Lynne Shane from Musings of a Housewife
• Debbie Abrams Kaplan from frisco kids
• Holli Gould from Life is What You Make It
• Maggie Cheung from Mighty Maggie
• Michele Dortch from The Integrated Mother
• Heather L. Sanders from Oh My Stinkin Heck
  

Some highlights from the advice to grandparents (in my opinion):

Don’t poo-poo your kid’s parenting rules, especially when it comes to safety. While you likely did a fine job raising children without such modern gadgets as car seats, door gates, and electrical outlet covers, your kids are relying on solid modern data — and in some cases, laws — to make their safety decisions. And frankly, they’re just trying to do what they think is right for your grandchildren.

The grandparents want to send cash in an envelope for a 7-year-old’s birthday. This is like a non-gift to a kid. Instead? Schedule an afternoon, just grandma and granddaughter. Go get a milk shake. Nothing else. Just time.

Grandparents, be young again with your grandkids. Get on the floor and roll around with them, even if you need help getting back up. If you’re in a wheelchair, take them for rides! You don’t have to spend a lot of money to make memories. Play checkers. Bake cookies. Go fishing. Read stories. Dress up. Catch fireflies. Eat ice cream. Let your grandkids see the silliest parts of you.

All I really want from you is the opportunity to nap. Just come over, take control of your grandchildren and send me to my room. That’s truly all I want from you.

Now, my advice to you, after reading this: Go call your grandparents.

Happy Healthy Hip Parenting
Peace Begins in the Home

Putting Myself First

My son got sick early this morning and is sleeping off whatever it is that made him ill. He doesn’t get sick often so it’s hard to see him so miserable. He woke up asking for more water and didn’t have much energy to even lift his head.

Today was going to be a special day for him at school. It’s the last day of school before Winter Break and also the day they share Valentine’s Day cards with one another. He spent a long time filling out the Valentine’s Day cards and was looking forward to the celebration.

I was looking forward to heading over to a spa in the area for an hour-long session on Putting Yourself First with a friend and life coach who put together the event. Sadly, I will not be able to be there now since I’m here at home while my son sleeps.

It’s ironic that today, putting myself first is not an option. I work with parents who I encourage to set aside time for themselves and with their partner but realistically, it’s not as easy as it sounds.

Life gets in the way and responsibilities shift depending on the circumstances and so it is that I am meant to be here, still able to put myself first in some ways since my son isn’t needing my attention right now. I keep going in his room to check on him and although I love watching him sleep, it’s never fun to see him sick.

He’s not himself today and I don’t know when he’ll be back to normal but for the time being, I am getting some things done (coffee, laundry and writing) while I wait for his energy to revitalize him and get him back on his feet.

I promised him that I’d bring his cards to his friends this afternoon and pick up his box of Valentine’s cards that will be set aside for him. He’s leaving for a mini-vacation next week with his dad so I promised myself that I’ll use that time to put myself first. No excuses.

Happy Healthy Hip Parenting
Peace Begins in the Home

New Feature

When I first drew the road map for my website (over a year ago) I had envisioned a page in which I’d recommend some great parenting books but it never dawned on me that I’d be adding books to that list continuously.

I have recently created a Happy Healthy Hip Parenting Bookstore so that the books can be easily seen, purchased and shared. I’ve decided to use the blog as a place to highlight a book – once a day – simply because there are so many on that list and it just keeps growing.

Today’s Parenting Book of the Day is Life Lessons from Soccer: What Your Child Can Learn On and Off the Field-A Guide for Parents and Coaches by Vincent Fortanasce.

Parent-tested and approved by the American Youth Soccer Organization (AYSO), this indispensable book by a parent, coach, and doctor shows soccer moms, dads, and coaches how to encourage children to look beyond winning and to turn every game and practice into an opportunity to teach life lessons.

Dr. Vincent Fortanasce applies his expertise in child development to guide parents and coaches on:

• Emphasizing fun over performance and morality over victory
• Understanding the way kids think and their capabilities at each developmental stage
• Controlling their own touchline behavior
• Instilling character, conscience, and courage in every player, regardless of talent

In Life Lessons from Soccer, Vincent Fortanasce celebrates the enchantments of soccer as a learning ground for family values and life lessons — and for becoming closer to your children on and off the field.

Happy Healthy Hip Parenting
Peace Begins in the Home