Merging: Marriage and Money

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When you get married or move in with your significant other, you merge more than just your finances, but the discussion about money is something that every couple should sit down and have, prior to tying the knot or signing a lease together.

When my husband and I first talked about marriage, we were practical before romantic and talked about our finances in detail. We shared with one another how much money we made and joked about how much debt we were bringing into the relationship.

One of the first things we did before getting married, was put together a spreadsheet with our income and expenses. Both of us created our own, separately, shared them with each other and then thoughtfully came up with one spreadsheet based on our combined income and expenses. We started speaking in terms of “we” and “us,” focusing on how to reduce our bills and working together to come up with a budget that was both realistic and fair.

Since we got married, I’ve taken over the responsibility of paying our bills, mostly because having one person manage the money seems to make the most sense for us. While we do have separate accounts still we have pulled all of our info together into a joint account at Mint.com which easily keeps track of what we’re spending and manages our budget for us.

Major purchases are always discussed ahead of time so we know what to set aside and how much we can truly afford. The only downside to having easy access to all of this information is that neither of us can surprise the other with a gift since every penny is tracked and organized into specific categories. Of course, that’s what cash is for.

While there are many important details to discuss prior to the wedding day, couples should recognize that money matters are nearly always a point of disagreement when not discussed in advance. Schedule a time to sit down with your partner to talk about who will pay the bills, how much you plan on saving, investing, and spending. You’ll be glad you did.

Happy Healthy Hip Parenting
Peace Begins in the Home

Emptying the Nest

While I have been busy dealing with the expansion of our family unit, others moms in my circle have been preparing for the empty nest phase. I can’t imagine another transition that comes with more stress or emotion.

Today’s young people are growing up at such a fast pace. Parents are having to educate themselves on how to best prepare their offspring for life in the “real world,” even as the world evolves faster than most of us can comprehend.

As a Parent Educator, I work with parents of young children, for the most part. Their main concerns are trying to help their kids become more responsible and respectful, hoping to instill these qualities at a young age so that when the time comes for their kids to head out on their own, they’ll be perfectly capable of taking care of themselves and dealing with issues as an independent adult.

It’s certainly not easy.

Dr. Brad Sachs, a psychologist and father of three young adults, has written a book on Emptying the Nest, a book that is meant to reach parents before their children are launched into the world, unprepared.

In his clinical practice, Dr. Sachs realized that it was fairly common for young adults to unsuccessfully make the transition to independent life and his book serves to encourage parents to help their tweens and teens become more competent and resilient.

In analyzing this cultural phenomena through his own case studies, Dr. Sachs discusses the role of smaller family size, suggesting it may result in more helicopter parents:

Raising fewer children more easily creates the possibility of focusing too intently on those children, which in turn makes their eventual emancipation more involved and emotionally fraught for everyone involved.

These type of parents show uncertainty and ambivalence when it comes to striking the optimal balance between support and enabling, between care and overprotectiveness.

Modern technology is a contributing factor as well:

These perpetual electronic umbilical cords [instant messaging, text messages, email, video chat] can work against the process of separation…particularly when the young adult is feeling insecure about his capacity to strike out on his own.

Financial independence is also a challenge for many young adults, especially with the economy taking a turn for the worse over the last few years. “Tough economy or not…young people have simply not been expected to practice financial self-sufficiency and restraint during their adolescence, which hobbles their capacity to do so as young adults.”

Dr. Sachs goes on to discuss the developmental stages of letting go and exactly how parents can help prepare their young adults for true independence.

We see our children at various points in their development through the lens of how we remember ourselves when we were their age. And we nurture them according to how we were raised when we were at that stage.

I strongly advise parents to think back on their early adulthood with as much accuracy and objectivity as they can so that they operate with as much flexibility as possible, rather than unconsciously repeating old patterns, or reflexively opposing them.

In addition, it is worthwhile to consider being more honest with your young adult regarding what your life was like when you were his age.

He devotes an entire chapter on the relationship between mom and dad at this stage of their children’s lives:

While we tend, as mothers and fathers, to pay very careful attention to how our child-rearing behaviors affect our children’s development, we tend to minimize or even ignore how our marital behaviors affect our children’s development and the interaction between our lives as couples and as parents.

The relationship between a husband and wife can have an enormously positive or negative impact on a young adult’s efforts to separate and become self-sufficient.

With each stage of our children’s lives comes new challenges but I’m excited to know that there are great resources available for parents at every one of them. And knowing that focusing on my relationship with my husband will benefit all of us is even more encouraging.

I’m scheduling our monthly Date Night now just to keep us on track for the long – and exciting – journey ahead.

Happy Healthy Hip Parenting
Peace Begins in the Home

Marriage Milestones

My husband flies in today for a whirlwind weekend. We’ll be discussing baby names, visiting the doctor for an ultrasound & check-up and shopping for awesome baby gear when we finally register for items we’ll need when the baby arrives. Oh, and we’ll also spending quality family time with my son. And tonight, just the two of us, we’ll be celebrating our one month wedding anniversary.

As obnoxious as it may sound, I think celebrating our anniversary monthly is a great way to ensure that our relationship remains strong and stable. After all, we celebrate our baby’s milestones by the month and pregnancy by the week. We honor half-birthdays and even when dating, couples often acknowledge their six month anniversary as they journey toward a long-term commitment.

If you’re not setting aside a special Date Night with your partner at least once a month, I highly recommend that you get out your calendars now and start scheduling them. It might not sound romantic to make an appointment with your significant other, but you know as well as I do that when that day or night comes, it’ll make all the difference in the world. My husband and I have the luxury of planning our next weekends together. The time apart is torture but having that date on the calendar to look forward to is quite exciting!

Marriage, these days, is like a marathon. We train in many ways and we have a goal in mind before we even make that commitment although some of us won’t, don’t, or shouldn’t make it across that finish line.

Which is why each mile we pass should be celebrated and with every month that my husband and I can set aside time for each other – just the two of us – there will be yet another reminder that we each have a supportive coach on the sidelines, running  or walking right with us and cheering us on the entire way.

Happy Healthy Hip Parenting
Peace Begins in the Home

Building a Strong Marriage

I know how this is going to sound to some people, but after seeing Sex and the City 2, I started to feel better about my long-distance marriage and stopped trying to analyze what it could mean for the future of our relationship. I gave up trying to explain it to others while worrying about what they might think.

Without spoiling the film (too much), I am referring to the fact that Carrie and Big have a  heavy discussion about the dynamics of their marriage that has her thinking, doubting, and hoping her friends will understand and support her. Of course, this is the major theme (that I took, at least) throughout the movie as other relationships are examined, judged and discussed as the girls enjoy their adventures in the Middle East (even though these scenes were were filmed in Morocco).

Regardless of the film’s reviews (not so good overall), I do have to say it got me – and many others, I’m sure – thinking about the dynamics of their own relationship with their significant other.

These days, there is no such thing as a traditional marriage and I’m pleased to share my experience with others since we’re all trying to navigate and define our own marriages or try to figure out what makes our relationship work.

Each couple is different. Obviously trust plays a huge role in any situation, but what else? I know for us, humor is a major factor. Being able to laugh together – even from far away – keeps us grounded and reminds us that even though we’re not together every day, there are things we can still build memories around on a regular basis.

What makes your relationship work?

Happy Healthy Hip Parenting
Peace Begins in the Home

Wedding Day

Today is a vreally* special day. I will marry my best friend, my son and I will welcome our favorite person into the family and our new life will start to take shape, a shape that resembles a heart, if you look closely.

The morning started with an Encouragement Feast between the three of us as we lay in bed together. An Encouragement Feast is when we share what it is we love most about each other. We laughed and hugged and my heart just about burst.  I’m saving my tears for the ceremony tonight.

An Encouragement Feast is something we will do on a regular basis, when someone requests it, on birthdays or special occasions and of course, when one of us needs a little cheering up. It’s something my son and I have done for quite some time and it does wonders for everyone involved.

This evening, the three of us (four if you count the baby) will stand together inside the Circle of Trust where we will share our wedding wishes, exchange rings and begin our future together.

It’s a vreally special day.

*Vreally (adj). My son made up this word which is a combination between very and really.

Happy Healthy Hip Parenting
Peace Begins in the Home

Rules of Engagement

Most people who know me realize that I don’t do things in the traditional way. Not that I’m against tradition or feel the need to rebel all the time, but my way of doing things is simply, different.

When it comes to my relationship with Mr. Right, there’s really no right or wrong way to make our relationship work. It just does.

A few months ago, he decided to move here to San Diego. About a month later, we found out that we had a baby on the way. And just last month, we started to make plans to get married and make everything official.

Of course, because he’s still living in another state, it makes things a bit tricky, but for obvious reasons, we were both so excited to move forward with our lives and make plans to start our future together that we decided to get married now. As in this week. Less than a few days from the time I type this.

My son is very excited, too. He’ll be the ring bearer and wants to take pictures as well so we’re making it happen. We want this day to be just as memorable for him as it will be for us so the ceremony will be on the beach and the three of us will enjoy ice cream afterwards (his favorite treat).

And even though Mr. Right will have to hop on a plane and return home the very next day, we still couldn’t think of a better way to begin our new life together. It will be perfect.

Happy Healthy Hip Parenting
Peace Begins in the Home

A controversial look at breastfeeding

When it comes to breastfeeding, most people have a pretty strong opinion, one way or the other, on whether or not breastfeeding is right for them and what rights a breastfeeding woman has. Most of us are well aware of the benefits breastfeeding provides, both to the mom and the baby, but I don’t think many people are aware of the implications that Rabbi Schmuley brings up in his highly controversial article where he claims that breastfeeding can hurt marriages.

I’ll let you read the original article yourself (dating back to 2006) which was recently re-printed, no doubt in order to stir up controversy and to increase traffic to the site which published it. Rabbi Schmuley has since written a rebuttal about the original article and claims that his views and beliefs were misrepresented. I highly recommend that you read both articles before forming an opinion on the Rabbi, or what the original article claims.

What I took from the article though, what stood out to me, was the idea that breastfeeding could, possibly, may have a detrimental affect on one’s adult relationship.

I don’t think this happens in many relationships and certainly not with the women and men who I know, who communicate with one another and would never let something like this interfere with their marriage or intimate relationship, but it’s not to say that this hasn’t been an issue in some families.

I also know that when it comes to having a successful marriage or relationship, putting your child first is not part of the equation.

Recently, at the She’s Having a Baby event in Beverly Hills, I had the pleasure of attending the seminar with Tisha Campbell Martin, where I wanted to stand up and applaud when she shared with the audience the discussion she had with her husband before they ever became parents.

He wanted to make sure that they continued to put themselves first, and then the two of them as a couple, before their children. He was convinced that this would ensure a successful and happy marriage. They’ve been together for over twenty years and have two beautiful children.

I cannot agree more with this idea that putting ourselves first and our relationship as a couple next provides the root system that children grow from. It’s when we lose sight of who we are as individuals and as a couple that issues and challenges start to break down a relationship rather than being a cause to rally together and overcome it as a team.

Date nights might be hard to come by, especially when your children are young, but setting aside 15 minutes of alone time with your partner every day (morning and night) is a simple way to offer your daily undivided attention to one another and give each other that intimacy that you each deserve.

Finding time for yourself might be just as tricky, but if you share the same beliefs with your partner, letting each other have a night off from time to time (or an hour or two on the weekends) provides you with a great deal of breathing room that you also deserve.

Your family is important. Your child’s health is important as well, but what could be more special than cuddling up with your partner on the couch after 20 years and still feeling that same sense of intimacy that once brought you together. I hope we can all experience that someday and I believe our children will benefit from that even more.

Happy Healthy Hip Parenting
Peace Begins in the Home

Psychic Shauna

My session with Psychic Shuana was over five months ago, at the very early stages of my relationship with Mr. Right. We spoke over the phone and I wasn’t sure what to expect, but I was blown away by what she told me and of course, nearly half a year later, I still think about the things she had to say.

The first thing she mentioned was my loneliness. She totally caused my heart to stop when she said simply, “You’re surrounded by people who adore you and yet you still feel very lonely.” This really hit me hard.

Always, especially near the holidays, I miss my family and friends who are over 2,000 miles away. I may have thousands of friends and followers on the social media sites I am involved with, but it doesn’t change the fact that the people who know me the most (and love me) are so far away.

She brought me to tears with that one and I took a few deep breaths before I was able to hear what she said next.

I asked her about my relationship and my love life, not giving her any details or sharing anything with her since I was hesitant to reveal any clues that would lead her in one direction or another. Right away she said that she saw marriage in my future. I started laughing and she moved on to a different topic.

The second time she brought up marriage, it took my breath away and by the third time she mentioned it, I felt myself nodding in agreement, as if this were something that I had already been thinking about. (I hadn’t.)

I think about it often lately, I admit. I blame the fact that most of my female friends (who are, ironically, single) keep asking me when we plan on getting married, or looking at my left hand after I spend a weekend with my long-distance boyfriend.

I do think about marriage often, how wonderful it would be to wake up with that special someone and lean on each other for support in all aspects of our daily lives. Long-distance dating is certainly not easy, but it’s made us both pretty cautious and yet I think we’re both eager (if not anxious) to see where things are headed.

My son’s teacher got engaged last month over her birthday weekend. Last week, a friend shared her engagement story on her blog and just the other day my son asked me if I was getting married (because I suddenly started wearing a ring on my finger). In the last few days, an online friend asked me for a list of wedding photographers and my sister mentioned that she could see me and Mr. Right getting married. This is why I can’t get the thought of marriage out of my mind.

Am I out of my mind?

Happy Healthy Hip Parenting
Peace Begins in the Home

Settling for Mr. Good Enough

Everyone knows that Prince Charming doesn’t really exist, yet we’re still trained from an early age to believe a Knight in Shining Armour will come along and save the Princess, whether or not she’s in need of being rescued.

It’s hard, as a woman, not to have drilled into you the notion that no matter how objectively ordinary you may be, somehow you ‘deserve’ to be with the crème de la crème of male companionship.

Lori Gottlieb, author of the controversial book, Marry Him: The Case for Settling for Mr. Good Enough, shares a personal story of how she learned (the hard way) that finding Mr. Right might not be the best plan, after all, when looking for a life partner.

I’m not asking you to settle, I’m asking you to broaden your fantasies.

Through interviews with relationship experts, matchmakers, those looking for love and the successful ones who are now happily married, Lori makes some eye-opening discoveries about the culture of dating, what it takes to create a successful marriage and how expectations that many females hold are impossible for men to live up to.

To us, feminism meant we had ‘freedom’ and ‘choice’ in all aspects of our lives. We could pursue professional careers, take time to ‘find ourselves’ before getting married, decide not to get married at all, and have our sexual needs met whenever we felt like it. The fact that we didn’t need a man to have a fulfilling life felt empowering…Empowerment somehow became synonymous with having impossible standards and disregarding the fact that in real life, you can’t get everything you want, when you want it, on your terms only.

After diving back into the dating scene in my early thirties, post-divorce and with a small child, I realized how unlikely it would be for me to find someone, especially someone who would have everything I was looking for. Reading Lori’s book made me laugh at the dating adventures I experienced along the way and ever-so-grateful for the man I now call Mr. Right.

The older you get, the more complicated dating becomes, and no amount of attitude adjustment can turn back the clock and change those realities.

Looking back at the dating process I went through, from trying to get past the profile pictures to finally understanding my own needs, I realize that Marry Him, is a book I wish I had read in my twenties and that I know women in their thirties (and beyond) will relate to.

This isn’t supposed to make you feel crummy. It’s supposed to be eye-opening. Not thinking you’re above it all makes you more self-aware, and self-awareness leads to better decision. It puts you in a better position to get what you want.

What you want also changes as you get older, but Lori says it best: “What matters is finding the perfect partner, not the perfect person.”

If you’re looking for the perfect partner, or if you found him but may have let him go, this is the book  you need to help you gain perspective on which path to go down next, whether you take that journey alone, or with the man you thought would never come along.

Happy Healthy Hip Parenting
Peace Begins in the Home

Why Taking Care of Your Relationship is Just as Important as Taking Care of Your Car

A lot of things in life turn into bigger problems because we choose to ignore the smaller ones. I see this all the time with clients, many of whom come to me when a situation at home (either with their kids or with their partner) is out of control and they’re on the verge of running away. Some already have, emotionally, and wish so badly they had done something, or sought me out earlier.

Many relationships (I’ll use marriages as an example, even though it could apply to other partnerships) start following a pattern that much resembles the path of a roller coaster. Up, down, exciting, uncomfortable, you’re on a high for a while before things start going downhill…you get the picture.

How does this relate to car car? My ‘Check Engine’ light came on in my car a few weeks ago. For some reason, I ignored it. Most people have a little sticker on their windshield that reminds them of when their next oil change is due. I ignored that too.

We have several warning signs that alert us when our car needs to be repaired. These warning signs are necessary and helpful so that we can avoid mechanical breakdown from occurring. No one wants to be stranded on the side of the road.

If you’re married or in a committed relationship, how often do you tell yourself (or your partner) that you’ll schedule a date night soon but then something gets in the way of your plans and you postpone spending that quality (and much needed) alone time with your significant other?

I hear these excuses most of the time: There’s no money for a babysitter, one of the kids got sick, our weekends are  set aside for family time or, we really don’t have any shared interests anymore.

Most of you would do something about the noise coming from your engine or take your car in (and taking time out from your busy schedule) to get the oil changed before the date or mileage posted on the reminder sticker passes by. How many of us avoid the warning signs when we, or our relationships, are out of balance?

You and your partner need quality time, alone, together, without the kids, whether or not the activity you choose costs money. I tell couples to take it slow at first. Start with a walk around the block, hold hands if you’re daring or take in a movie (you don’t have to talk to one another, I promise). You also need time to yourself. Take a bubble bath or spend a night on the patio reading a book or making a phone call to someone you haven’t chatted with in a while.

It’s a bit of a challenge to work with couples who have lost that spark, have forgotten what it’s  like to feel adored, or have neglected their relationship for so long that they contemplate divorce. There are certain situations where I can see that the couple would be better off separating, but more often than not, a simple 10,000 mile check-up would do the trick.

I pulled into the gas station near my son’s school earlier this week because I do pay attention to the gas light…One of the guys from the auto shop walked toward my car. He pointed at the hood of my car and said, “It sounds like you need oil.”

Embarrassed, I said, “Yes, I do,” and glanced up at the reminder sticker that showed a number that my car had passed over 3,000 miles ago. “I heard you pull in,” he continued to say as he lifted up the hood. He proceeded to pour two full quarts of oil into my car’s engine as I tried not to think about what damage could have occurred had he not said anything, or had I not pulled in to that particular gas station (one that I had never been to before).

I think I need to go back and give him a Thank-You gift, now that I think about it. He saved me a lot of money in car repairs that would’ve needed to be done had I continued to ignore the ‘Check Engine’ light.

An oil change takes around fifteen minutes or so, plus driving time to and from the shop. How long will you spend this week on strengthening the relationships in your life?

Happy Healthy Hip Parenting
Peace Begins in the Home