Spreading the Love

Each of us has an emotional bank account that keeps us happy and directly relates to a healthy self-esteem. You can think of it like a gas tank too. You can’t run on empty and having over a half tank gets you where you need to go efficiently and without worry. Being able to fill our children and partner’s emotional accounts is the key to a happy family. Being able to ask for what we need to fill ours makes our day-to-day life more enjoyable.

Love Bags

Your kids will enjoy this activity and everyone will feel more connected, knowing what it is that makes each family member feel complete and how to help us keep our own accounts full by asking for what we need.

You can use whatever type of bag you want. Some people choose paper bags that you can decorate with crayons, markers, or stickers. Others prefer cloth bags that are soft and made of material that reflects each family member’s personality. Gift bags and plastic bags with a Valentine’s theme can also be purchased for this activity.

Once each family member has a bag to work with, they will write down on small pieces of paper things to do or say that makes them feel loved. For example, “rub my back,” or “tell me something you love about me,” or “play a board game with me.”

Parents and/or older siblings can help create love bags for children that might not be able to write or verbally communicate what it is that they want included inside. For most young children, it’ll be hugs, reading aloud to them or anything else that requires one-on-one time, down on the floor together.

When someone in the family feels discouraged or just needs some extra loving, they can bring their love bag to another family member. That person selects one item from the bag and gives them what they need in that moment. This also works great for “make-ups” between family members instead of simply saying, “I’m sorry.”

Couples can make separate “adult” love bags as well that they can use to help keep them feel more connected on a romantic level. Be as playful or as naughty as you want – just don’t be afraid to ask your partner to pick something from your love bag when you desire some passion in your day. You’ll also get bonus points with your significant other if you select something from their love bag when they least expect it.

Love Feast

Incorporating this activity into your regular routine makes everyone smile. In our family, we hold a Love Feast for individuals on their birthday. We also do a family Love Feast on Thanksgiving and special occasions. Of course, Valentine’s Day is the perfect time to start and implement this new tradition in your home.

At the dinner table or whenever you choose to start the Love Feast, each person will be asked to share something they love with the person across from them, or next to them. It’s simple, fun and something your children will ask to do on a regular basis.

“What I love about you is…” makes a great start to any day. It is also a great thing to say to someone after you’ve done something to put a kink in the relationship. If your child or partner has a bad day at school or work, having a Love Feast will help boost them up – and you as well when you see how their spirits are lifted.

How will you celebrate Valentine’s Day with your little ones? Share some of your ideas in the comments section so we can help spread the love on February 14th and every day of the year.

The idea for the Love Bags and Love Feast are from the 5-week parenting course on Redirecting Children’s Behavior created by Kathryn Kvols.

Happy Healthy Hip Parenting
Peace Begins in the Home

How it All Began

It’s been brought to my attention that although I have shared intimate details over the past year regarding my relationship with my new husband/father of my soon-to-be-here baby boy, I have not shared the story of how we met fifteen years ago…

I’m sure his version of the story is slightly different than my own, but this is how I remember it.

It was our Freshman year of college.

He was the quiet one. I was intrigued and quickly fell in love with his laugh – and his eyes. You can tell a lot about a person by their eyes.

It took me a while to get up the nerve, but after several months, I found myself face-to-face with him as we ran into each other in between classes. I casually mentioned that I had been wanting to ‘hang out’ – just the two of us – to get to know him better. I can still feel how red my face was and how sweaty my palms were when I finally said this out loud.

He was sweet and sincere and looked me in the eye when he turned me down. He had a legitimate excuse. He had recently started dating someone whom he had met in high school. I didn’t want to interfere, so I let it go.

We spent a lot of time together after that even though his relationship got serious and I got serious about dating other guys. He was always there for me when I needed a guy’s perspective on the relationships I was in.

His girlfriend spent more time with our group of friends and quickly became a familiar face and someone who I was used to having around. She attended a different school, two hours away, and would spend time in our college town every other weekend. The times when he was on his own – so to speak – was when he and I really got to know one another.

During the winter, at night, I worked at the mall, and oftentimes, he would come in to visit and we’d just sit and chat – for hours – while I pretended to get things done. In between classes, during the day (or when we were supposed to be in class) we would drive around and talk. I‘m pretty sure I did most of the talking but he never seemed to mind and I have never – to this day – found anyone who listens as well as he does.

 

Lake Superior (Where it all began)

 

Our friends started to get curious. Was there something going on between us? Why were we spending so much alone time together?

He had the same girlfriend for years. I dated different guys throughout that time and it never once occurred to me that it might seem odd or inappropriate that he and I spent so much time together. We were just friends.

During my fourth, and final, year of college, we became roommates. There were three of us sharing an apartment at the time, two guys and myself. I was in heaven after living with mostly females up until that point (no offense, but I have always gotten along better with guys).

Things were going great until I found out that I was pregnant…

 

Eleven years later, I’m pregnant again and my husband – my best friend of many years – is going to be moving to San Diego to join us soon. It’s been an incredible journey.

Through everything we’ve experienced, and over all those years and despite the distance, we remained friends, great friends. There’s nothing that I have found to be more important in maintaining such a strong, romantic relationship.

We’ve built upon the foundation that was set years ago. I was there for him after he and his girlfriend broke up. He was there for me after my divorce and helped me realize that I am much stronger than I ever knew I could be.

Through all these years, we’ve been there for one another and I am ever so grateful that we have many more years  ahead of us to share together.

The roots of our relationship are deep. We’re planting the seeds so that our boys (our baby and my son from a previous relationship) have a healthy and stable couple to look up to and learn from.

If someone had told me ten years ago that someday I’d end up married to Mr. Right, I would’ve laughed. We would’ve laughed about it together.

Love looks different at 33 than it did at 22 and it’ll look different in another decade, but I have no doubt that if we can survive – apart – what we’ve been through so far, our relationship can only get stronger as we continue to grow, live, and laugh – together.

Happy Healthy Hip Parenting
Peace Begins in the Home

Wedding Day

Today is a vreally* special day. I will marry my best friend, my son and I will welcome our favorite person into the family and our new life will start to take shape, a shape that resembles a heart, if you look closely.

The morning started with an Encouragement Feast between the three of us as we lay in bed together. An Encouragement Feast is when we share what it is we love most about each other. We laughed and hugged and my heart just about burst.  I’m saving my tears for the ceremony tonight.

An Encouragement Feast is something we will do on a regular basis, when someone requests it, on birthdays or special occasions and of course, when one of us needs a little cheering up. It’s something my son and I have done for quite some time and it does wonders for everyone involved.

This evening, the three of us (four if you count the baby) will stand together inside the Circle of Trust where we will share our wedding wishes, exchange rings and begin our future together.

It’s a vreally special day.

*Vreally (adj). My son made up this word which is a combination between very and really.

Happy Healthy Hip Parenting
Peace Begins in the Home

How Having a Child Changed My Outlook on Dating and Romantic Relationships

Now that I have a child, I look at dating and relationships much differently.

Becoming a mom has changed my perspective and my choice of partners. It has also provided me with a greater understanding, and acceptance, of those I let into my heart.

My son does things that cause me great frustration and I still love him something fierce. He can say or do anything and my feelings for him and about him do not change.

Unconditional love. It’s when we bring a child into our world (and into our hearts) that we truly comprehend this concept, and how powerfully healing it can be.

I look at Mr. Right and think about all of the amazing qualities he has, the wonderful and thoughtful things he has done for me, gifts he has made with his own hands. I could stare at them all day, mostly because he put so much time and energy into creating something especially, and only, for me. (I look at my son and his creations the same way.)

When we’re together, I don’t want to miss a thing. I take in every detail, paying attention to how my senses are affected – heightened – and how near tears I am at any given moment, my heart overflowing.

When I first brought my son home and even in the hospital, I wanted to stare at him all day and night. I didn’t want to sleep for fear I would miss something, a tiny detail that only a mom could see. I beam with pride when I watch him now, six years later: talking, learning, leaping and loving life.

Unconditional love. Imagine if we looked at every relationship and every person the same way we see our children. As perfect beings. Nothing less.

I accept Mr. Right for everything he is, all that he is not. I don’t want him to change, and yet I know I’d love him just the same if he did. We grow together, blossom in each other’s presence, just as the relationship with my son evolves and develops over time.

Having my son has given me a new perspective, one that I am ever so grateful for. Finding true love has changed my outlook as well.

Perfection. All around me. I am truly blessed.

Happy Healthy Hip Parenting
Peace Begins in the Home

Our Long-Distance Relationship

I’ve been dating Mr. Right for several months now (seven, if you’re keeping track) and every time his name comes up, the same question is asked: When is he going to move here?

At first, I avoided the question, letting people know we take things day by day and are in no hurry to rush into anything.

If you asked either of us directly, we’d say the same thing. We enjoy our time together, look forward to those long weekends and cherish the time we have to ourselves. In that time, we’re able to develop our individual interests, careers, goals, and hobbies so that we can fully give to one another when we can.

But…

We’re not kids anymore, and our relationship with one another has quickly become one of the most important components of who we are. We schedule time to chat during the week so that we can devote quality time to one another, checking in on a regular basis, gaining an understanding of the daily situations, experiences, thoughts, and emotions that same-city couples encounter.

Again, there’s no rush. In fact, I would argue that we’re more cautious because of the additional challenges we face.

Long-distance relationships require additional effort. It hasn’t been easy and I wouldn’t expect anyone to understand our situation if they haven’t been in a long-distance relationship themselves, or in a relationship with a single parent.

The fact that the two of us have known each other for so long seems to be the key to our success. What happens in the future depends on our continued commitment to being open, honest and receptive. I see no reason why this would change.

We create our destiny. It is what we make of it. We allow our experiences to influence our emotions and shape how we feel about where each step will lead.

As I write this, I think of how far we’ve come, the distance between us and the history that keeps us moving forward, together, looking in the same direction, focusing on where we hope to be twenty years from now – by each other’s side.

It feels good. It feels right. It feels safe, comfortable and perfect. In every way.

I hold on to this feeling…knowing that every moment we’re apart brings us closer together in the end, and yet there is no end…

This is just the beginning.

Happy Healthy Hip Parenting
Peace Begins in the Home

Not Marriage Material

I got an email from my boyfriend this morning which has led me to think about my past relationships all day. His best friend from high school got married last night and this is what he had to say about the wedding:

“I wish I could have gone to this wedding with you. A lot of my friends were here with their wives and it’s funny because they all seem to act the same. The husband drinks too much, their wives play the role of caretaker and roll their eyes when their husband tries to be funny. I like that when I’m out with you it’s not like that. We are partners in crime and have each others’ back.”

At first I was flattered. I thought it was sweet that he had wished I were there with him. But then, being the analytical person I tend to be, I read into it a bit deeper and started thinking about the stereotypical relationships that he’s referring to. Am I not considered marriage material because I don’t fit into that role?

Ever since I can remember, I have always been more like the opposite sex than not. This has never been more apparent than when I was married. Many of the arguments we had revolved around the division of household responsibilities and his comparing me to the housewife I never could be. He wanted me to quit drinking and partying altogether and I wished he could remember what it was like to have fun.

I hadn’t even thought about getting married when he proposed but I was young and in love and thought it was the next logical step in our relationship, or in any relationship. I wasn’t thinking that either of us would change once we got married but apparently, he did.

I am still the same person I’ve always been. I never thought that getting married meant that it was time to stop having fun. But I realize, now, that I’m not exactly the type of woman who men want to take home to their parents.

While I have no idea how others truly see me, I do know this -  I am happy in my current situation, satisfied with being a single mom with a best friend (with benefits) who I adore and who equally adores me.

Marriage is very definitive and I don’t think I’m the type of person who can easily be defined.

Am I opposed to marriage? Not at all, but my intention is that when, or if, I do get married again, I’ll marry the man who I am proud to stand next to, who makes me smile without ever having to say a word and who holds my hand when I cry. Why can’t it just be that simple?

Happy Healthy Hip Parenting
Peace Begins in the Home

How Will We Love?

Chris Brickler was one of the keynote speakers at the It Takes a Village  Parenting Conference this past weekend in San Diego. His presentation touched everyone in the audience and his film truly inspires and challenges us to change the way we, as a society, view – and value – commitment and marriage.

Starting with an interview of his grandparents and honoring their marriage of over 68 years, Brickler’s documentary, How Will We Love? seeks to determine why it is that over 50% of marriages end in divorce while many of us still cling to the hope of a happily-ever-after, life-long romance.

Speaking with experts in the field of marriage, relationships, sexuality, and communication, as well as sharing insights from couples – both young and old – How Will We Love? is a bittersweet and inspirational journey through the heartache and exuberance love can create.

Whether you’re married, engaged or healing from a heartbreak, this film is a much-needed discussion starter on dating, pre-marital sex, love, marriage and what it means to be in a committed relationship.

I’m pleased to be able to give away a copy of this DVD. To win this copy, please let us know which couple inspires you and why. It could be your grandparents, your friend’s parents, or another couple you know – perhaps even a couple on TV! One winner will be selected – at random – on Sweetest Day (October 17th).

Happy Healthy Hip Parenting
Peace Begins in the Home

Twenty Questions

I’m really having a good time getting to know Mr. Right all over again and there are so many questions I want to ask.

Here are just a few. And yes, I plan on sharing my answers with him to.

1. What has been one of your biggest accomplishments?
2. If you could excel at any competitive sport which would you choose?
3. How would your last girlfriend or boyfriend describe you?
4. What traits are most important to you in a future partner?
5. What are you passionate enough about to fight for?
6. Has your heart ever been broken?
7. What was the craziest thing you ever did when you were a kid?
8. Who has the most influence over you?
9. What have you learned from your biggest challenge in life?
10. What’s the worst mistake you ever made in a relationship?
11. Are you a spiritual person?
12. What’s your favorite scent? Least favorite?
13. What do you want to be doing in 10 years?
14. Would you like to live somewhere else?
15. What’s the most unusual thing you know how to do?
16. What do you have a hard time saying “no” to?
17. How do you act when you’re angry?
18. Who are you closest to in your family?
19. What do you want to make sure you do before you die?
20. What’s the most beautiful place you’ve ever seen?

There are several companies that make discussion starter queue cards like these Table Topics that come in a variety of themes, to spark discussions among Couples, Teens, and Family.

I want to get to know you as well, so if you are reading this, please take a moment to select one (or more)  of the above questions to answer. I’ll post my responses next week (when I return from my romantic weekend with my significant other).

Happy Healthy Hip Parenting
Peace Begins in the Home

For Closeness: TRAVEL

You’ve probably heard the saying, “You don’t really know someone until you travel with them,” or something of that nature. Well, since I am in a long-distance relationship, every time we’re together it feels like we’re on vacation. We spend a long weekend together, not really having a moment to ourselves, so this is a true test of whether the relationship can survive, in my opinion.

Steve Goodier, who writes over at Life Support System, has this to say about travel and getting close to someone:

If you want a deeper connection with someone your care about, if you want relationships that are more intimate, more meaningful and longer-lasting, then try this simple technique:  Just remember the word “TRAVEL.”

T is for TRUST.  If we’re seeking a glue to cement us to another, then trust is that bond.  A relationship will go nowhere without it.

R is for RESPECT.  Some people talk about how much they have always respected their cherished friends and family at a funeral.  But why wait?  People want to know that we hold them in high regard.  It’s about valuing others and letting them know you respect them.

A is for AFFECTION.  Sometimes affection means love.  Sometimes it means a touch.  Or a hug.  Always it means kindness.

V is for VULNERABILITY.  Though we may feel afraid to let another too close, no relationship will go anywhere without taking a risk.  Like entrepreneur Jim Rohn says, “The walls we build around us to keep out the sadness also keep out the joy.” And the love.

E is for EMOTIONAL INTIMACY.  It about learning to be open.  Learning to communicate freely.  The quality of relationships we make are largely determined by how openly we communicate.

L is for LAUGHTER.  Victor Borge got it right when he said, “Laughter is the shortest distance between two people.”  It’s also the most enjoyable.

So for a relationship that can really go somewhere, just remember the word “TRAVEL.”  Then enjoy the trip.

Happy Healthy Hip Parenting
Peace Begins in the Home

Comfortable Silence

I used to see older couples sitting together at a restaurant or in the movie theater or walking next to one another in silence and I would feel sorry for them. They had nothing to talk about, no stories to share, nothing left to say.

Years have passed. I’ve grown more wise, experienced life, had my heart broken and learned to love everything about myself and appreciate those around me. I understand.

I sit with Mr. Right. It’s quiet, but my heart sings! There is a comfortable silence between us. No words need to be said as we share this time together.

Awkward silence typically occurs when we’re uncomfortable, nervous, anxious. Words often get in the way.

I see couples sitting together at a restaurant or in a movie theater or walking down the street, not saying a thing. I smile, knowing that there is sometimes nothing left to say, acknowledging that often times those moments of reflection and quiet and silence are more about the peace that people feel in their hearts, than about anything that’s left unsaid. They’re enjoying one another, drinking in the sights, sounds and smells that will keep the memory of that moment alive for years to come.

My heart sings.

Can you hear it?

Happy Healthy Hip Parenting
Peace Begins in the Home