Gender Roles

I left the house this morning, in my car, and ended up on the side of the road not long after I reached the highway. I didn’t let my car warm up (advice my dad gave me when I first started driving) and was reminded, once again, why it’s so important to slow down and, of course, to take better care of my vehicle that has over 100,000 miles on it and has been with me for so long.

When I first learned to drive, at age 15, my dad insisted that I also learn now to change a flat tire, how to check the oil level in the car and that I felt comfortable with every single instrument on the control panel, not to mention knowing the proper way to parallel park and how to park on a hill, how to drive in the snow and on ice and when it’s raining out.

I rolled my eyes through these “lessons” thinking that I was the only one of my friends that had to go through this just to have access to the family vehicle, but I have to tell you, I am grateful that my dad taught me these things, even though I have a cell phone now and road side assistance should anything seriously go wrong.

My ex-husband is into cars too. He buys old cars and fixes them up so I have no doubt in my mind that our son will grow up to know a lot more about taking care of cars than I do. He’ll be much better prepared since he’s already helping his dad in the garage and getting to know cars from the inside out.

My son also knows his way around the kitchen, thanks to my husband, the cook in our family. Already, my son has seen him spend more hours preparing meals than he’s seen me prepare in the 7 years he’s been alive. I’m famous for boxed meals, microwaveable snacks and my ability to heat up anything that comes in a can! My son’s well-fed, that’s for sure, but his palette is becoming more sophisticated now that my husband has introduced us both to some really great meals.

Just a few days ago, I was giving my son a hard time about when it would be his turn to prepare dinner. I was kidding, of course, but he stepped up to the challenge and insisted upon creating something for us to sample. I was too exhausted to argue with him so I became his assistant and he began his cooking experiment.

I watched as he pulled out a step stool, grabbed a mixing bowl, an egg and measuring cups to whip together a drink that actually tasted pretty damn good. As he put together all of the ingredients, I somehow kept my mouth shut. At the time, I was asking myself why I was allowing him to be wasteful since his concoction couldn’t possibly be edible. He certainly surprised me because not only was it edible, but it was really good!

My gut instinct was to let him experiment and I was so glad that I listened to that inner voice telling me that however his recipe turned out, it would be OK. I encouraged him to explore what he knew and what he had obviously picked up from watching me bake or my husband cook.

He knew what he was doing and I could see his confidence boost as he noticed my expression change when I was finally able to try his homemade drink. He had made a fruit/vegetable smoothie that was delicious. I made him write down the recipe because it was really good and I’m eager for him to make it for us again.

I had planned on sharing his recipe here, but I think I’ll leave that up to him. I’m not sure how much he’ll charge, but I know he has entrepeneur in him as well so if you want a copy, it’ll cost you.

He’s going to make a great husband someday.

Happy Healthy Hip Parenting
Peace Begins in the Home

No One Wins in a Custody Battle

Just when I think things are going smoothly and issues with my ex-husband are a thing of the past, he has to remind me why we’re no longer together by doing something as selfish as planning his vacation with our son over a weekend that my son was to be with me.

Not only that, but our son will be missing a day of school instead of planning his trip over Spring Break (our son has off from school for over a week) so that, instead,  he can get back at me for some past hurt he’s obviously still feeling.

I read headlines from time to time that say something like, “Father Wins Custody Battle,” which is a complete oxymoron in my book. No one wins in these situations and those that lose the most are the children involved.

We modified our custody arrangement earlier this year and for some reason, I doubted my initial reaction to the wording his lawyer added which allow us both (equally) to have an additional two weeks of vacation throughout each calendar year (a total of 14 days) where we can take our son anywhere, at anytime, so long as we give the other parent a 30-day notice.

According to the vacation plans that my ex has put in place, our son will be with him 4 weekends in a row. All I have to say is that I would never even think about planning a trip over his weekend, nor would I take our son somewhere over his father’s birthday or have him miss school due to a personal vacation. But that’s just me.

Rational thought get thrown out the window when my ex-husband sends me immature text messages (which I  responded to in equal fashion), justifying his actions because years ago (when he had the right to prevent us from going) gave us permission to visit my family out of state over Father’s Day weekend.

Yes, I see how that might upset him and yet, I prefer to leave the past where it belongs. I’m not revengeful, nor do I keep track. I can honestly say that I forgive and forget. He, on the other hand, has vowed to keep track and apparently, he’s using our son to get his revenge.

Just this morning, my son mentioned to me that he misses me when he’s with his dad for “too long,” and vice versa. I get it. I miss him too when he’s with his dad for four days and I know he misses his dad when he’s with me over the long weekend.

Could I be cruel and plan our next trip together over a weekend he’s to be with his dad? Sure. It’s only fair, right?

Happy Healthy Hip Parenting
Peace Begins in the Home

Thinking Healthier Thoughts

I ran this afternoon for the first time in over two weeks. It felt great. I feel great and my head is more clear.

I track my run using Run Keeper so I can compete – with myself. I’ve never really been a competitive person and I only started running three and a half years ago (when my ex-husband and I first separated) so it still feels like a relatively new experience for me.

Each and every time I run, I remind myself why I need to do it more often, how great I feel afterward and how much more healthier I will be when I add it into my routine more regularly.  I tell my clients this so I need to take my advice: If it’s not on the calendar, it won’t happen. Scheduling in my runs will most likely be the only way I’ll show up!

Life gets in the way and I find myself running less and less often, using excuses as to why I’m sitting on my ass instead of getting outdoors and decompressing in healthier ways.

There are many ways that parents can decompress – with or without our kids – but leading by example is the most important thing for creating healthier children.

You can make exercise more fun too by heading outdoors (when you can) and having your little ones search for rocks, count how many birds, squirrels, rabbits or other creatures you come across, or for tech geeks like myself, you can use a GPS tracking program (like Run Keeper) that your child will be in charge of so they can map the distance, time and pace of your adventure.

My son enjoys being in charge of the iPhone when we use Run Keeper. I challenge him to go further each time, either long distances or more time. Either way, he loves watching the numbers go up (or down) and it’s a fun way to get in some exercise without him even realizing it.

Happy Healthy Hip Parenting
Peace Begins in the Home

Do You Care for Valentine’s Day?

I  cringe when thinking about the time my ex-husband gave me a Vermont Teddy Bear for Valentine’s Day – over six months after he moved out and filed for divorce.

Even though the card said that it was from my son, I couldn’t help but gag at the idea. I mean, it’s not like our son (who was only 3 at the time) actually picked it out or even suggested that he get me a gift at all. In fact, when I opened the box, my son grabbed the bear, assuming it was for him. I didn’t argue.

Sad to say this is the memory that first came to mind when reading about this contest from Care.com (the largest and fastest growing service used by families to find high-quality caregivers) .

They have put together an awesome Valentine’s Day contest which allows people to share their most romantic or funny Valentine’s Day memory. I’m guessing if you have a story to enter, it’s much funnier and way more romantic than mine.

One lucky Grand Prize winner will receive a trip for two to Los Angeles, including round-trip airfare, a two-night hotel stay at the luxury SLS Hotel with dinner for two at SLS’s Bazaar restaurant and a private VIP tour of the Warner Bros. Studio lot, where “Valentine’s Day” was filmed.  Twelve finalists will each receive two tickets to see the film.  In the spirit of Valentine’s Day, Care.com will also provide the winners with a free one-month premium membership to find that perfect babysitter.

HOW TO ENTER: Enter at www.facebook.com/caredotcom, and share your most romantic or funniest Valentine’s Day memory. All entries should be rated PG. The twelve finalists will be selected during the months of January and February 2010. One Grand Prize Winner will be selected from among the 12 finalists in February. Three Finalists will be selected by a panel of judges on or around each of the following dates: January 23, 2010, January 30, 2010, February 6, 2010, and February 13, 2010. One Grand Prize Winner will be selected from among the 12 Finalists on or around February 13, 2010.

Happy Healthy Hip Parenting
Peace Begins in the Home

Division of Property

When I was six months pregnant with my son (back in 2003), my ex-husband and I moved into this 2-bedroom condo which we purchased as first time buyers. I was both anxious and excited and in the middle of the nesting phase so everything had to be in perfect order, according to my standards, so I could feel comfortable and ready to welcome a new baby into our home.

Six years later, after a divorce, losing my full-time job (of 8 years), and seeing our son start Kindergarten, we’re in a much different place, except for the fact that my son and I still remain in the condo once shared by the three of us. Luckily, my son was much too young to remember when we all lived here together and because his dad has moved twice since then, I’m a bit apprehensive about our upcoming move, worried about how it will affect our son even though he’s the most adaptable out of all of us (most kids are).

When we first separated and were going through the process of divorce, I was working and traveling often, taking care of our son, who was 2 1/2 at the time, and rejected the idea of moving on top of dealing with everything else. I chose to stay in the condo with our son, believing that keeping the same home environment for him during the transition was in his best interest. Of course, this meant that the condo stayed in both of our names, we shared the burden of the mortgage and it seemed like a win-win for everyone.

Spending so much time inside the condo during the last year, after losing my job, has made me acutely aware of how draining this place really has been. It’s dark and filled with negative energy still looming from the toxic marriage we brought into it. Since our separation in 2006, several people have told me how I need to clear the energy with sage, get rid of the furniture and everything else that my ex-husband and I picked out together and of course, to  move out and get a place of my own. I have finally found the strength and the energy required to finally make this change happen.

I signed the condo over to him just a few days ago. I can’t even begin to explain how much relief I felt afterward. Freedom. Independence. That’s what I have waited for all along, knowing that I can make it on my own and can create a space for my son and I that is ours alone, even though it’s only temporary.

I pick up the keys to our new place tomorrow and it all seems so surreal since I really only started looking for a new place to live during winter break, less than a month ago. After a quick search for apartments in our area, I realized that I may not actually be able to afford a place of my own.

I cried and complained to a good friend who suggested that I look for granny flats and less than two days later, I saw the place that we will be slowly moving into during the next few weeks. It was the second place I looked at and for whatever reason, this one felt perfect to me, my son fell in love with it as well, and the woman who owns the property made me feel so comfortable that I wanted to hug her when we first met.

This feels like a huge step up for me, even though we’re downsizing quite a bit. Right now, we live in a 2 bedroom condo with 2 full bathrooms. I have two large closets in my master bedroom, and use every space possible to accommodate my home office and overflowing bookshelves.

Our new place is one large, open room with vaulted ceilings and a lot of natural light and windows. We have a large patio and the biggest highlight, of course, is that it’s much less expensive than what I’m paying now. Our biggest challenge will be deciding what we can bring with us and what we’ll have to donate, sell, or toss since there’s not much room for “stuff” we don’t really need.

2010 marks a new stage in my life. Besides this big move, I’m also preparing for my third interview with a company looking to hire me as their Social Media Specialist, a newly created position that I am eager to fill.

It’s an exciting time. I can’t wait to see what’s next.

Are you looking to move – into a home or apartment? Move.com can help with all your moving needs, from locating a neighborhood that best suits you, calculating the mortgage you can afford, to decorating your new place once you finally find the home of your dreams.

Happy Healthy Hip Parenting
Peace Begins in the Home

Progressive Parenting

Parenting styles vary from house to house and from generation to generation. Our children learn about new things and ideas every day, teaching us about concepts that never even existed when we were their age. So much information is out there to process and download, that it’s amazing we have time for much else.

I am constantly learning, from my son and from simply observing, listening, and engaging in conversations that help me evolve. I have had the pleasure of being able to learn about myself, and see life – and people -  through the eyes of a child since becoming a mother.

My son and I have an amazing relationship, and now, as I prepare (mentally) to celebrate his 6th birthday (Where has the time gone?), I am ever so grateful for the tools I’ve been able to implement from the Redirecting Children’s Behavior (RCB) course I took over three years ago. I am able to see too, how the methods I’ve learned have also had to evolve as my son has gotten older.

Since becoming a Certified Parent Educator, I’ve been able to help dozens of families (I’m not exaggerating) with temper tantrums, potty-training, sibling rivalry, dealing with divorce and all sorts of other issues that the average family goes through.

It all comes down to communication.

If I hadn’t been such a passionate parent from the beginning, I don’t think I would feel as successful right now, but in witnessing my son and having him now be old enough to understand, and express how he feels, I know we have been blessed with the greatest gift, having been and having the opportunity to share it with others.

Growing up, I had a rocky relationship with my dad. We still don’t talk that often, and when we do, it’s very much like a boss talking to his employee since we never really were all that close (yes, he was the authoritarian parent). My mom and I, on the other hand, shared everything – and still do (she would be the permissive one). She’s probably the only person who’s read each and every blog post here over the last two years (except for my ex-husband’s lawyer, but that’s a whole other blog post, entirely) and oftentimes I wonder if I share too much information with her (she’s on Facebook too).

The parenting styles of my mom and dad were the exact opposite of one another and I had a hard time figuring the two of them out – as I was trying to figure myself out.

At one point in my late teens, I announced to my mom that I was never going to have kids. I wanted to break it to her early, so she could be prepared and made sure to point out that she’d still have grandchildren, since my sister was there to make up for my lack of babies.

She just looked at me and simply said, “You’ll change your mind.” I was annoyed with her response and wanted so badly to prove her wrong, to be able to say, “I told you so,” because that’s what I did back then, rebelled against both of my parents.

They’re still married (nearly 38 years now). Somehow, having opposite parenting styles didn’t tear them apart, but I know that was a major reason behind why my ex-husband and I couldn’t make our marriage work. We parented from the opposite ends of the spectrum as well, and it wasn’t until after we  separated (and both took the RCB course), that our parenting styles became more in alignment with what we both wanted to expose our son to.

I’m reading a few books right now that are helping me understand parenting styles (and myself) more in-depth. One is called Partnership Parenting: How Men and Women Parent Differently – Why It Helps Your Kids and Can Strengthen Your Marriage. I’m also reading The Co-Parenting Survival Guide, and after reading them both, I plan on sharing the information, along with my personal experience, with future clients and work to improve my relationship with my son (all fine things in life improve with age).

Happy Healthy Hip Parenting
Peace Begins in the Home

Our non-traditional Halloween

The last few years have been dedicated to my transition into single motherhood and staying sane. It certainly has not been easy, but I feel as though, now, I’m in the most healthy state I have ever been in. Nothing reflects this more than seeing how confident and well-adjusted my son is at 5 1/2.

His father and I separated in 2006 and while we share in his birthday celebration each year, I have not participated in the Halloween experience since we all lived together.

This year will mark the first time that all three of us will spend Halloween together as a family. It will be also be a benchmark in determining how future holidays and special events will be celebrated since my boyfriend will also be joining us.

My son has grown very fond of the special man in my life (as have I), and has suggested that we all share in the trick-or-treating experience together. While this idea, at first, felt both awkward and unusual, I keep reminding myself that today’s “modern families” are as unique as fingerprints.

I would imagine that the four of us may not look like other families that come to your door on Halloween, but my son is a happy  and healthy little boy who has great role models in his life, beyond just his mom and dad. Who’s to say that our situation is not ideal?

CatMan

While he doesn’t quite comprehend why we can’t all live together under the same roof, I will say that he’s pretty darn lucky to have two parents who are respectful, generous, and understanding of one another. Those of you who read this blog regularly may argue that the two of us could be more respectful toward one another and more understanding, but what our son sees and hears through our actions and how we “behave” in front of him is what has shaped him into the amazing little man he has become.

Halloween is over a week away, so I don’t know what will happen between now and then, but I do know that I am proud of my son for bringing us all together. I can’t imagine not being there to see him in his costume or the look on his face when he sifts through all the candy that he collects!

He chose his costume several months ago and I’m pleased to say that he has not let anyone, including his father and I, influence his decision. The photo to the left is of him trying on his Cat Woman ensemble for the first time.

Happy Healthy Hip Parenting
Peace Begins in the Home

How my iPhone is helping me get in shape

I started running when my ex-husband and I first separated. I needed to get out of the house and clear my head, so one morning, I picked up my iPod and put my walking shoes on.

My intention was to simply walk around the lake that’s near our condo. Once I started walking, the music took over and I suddenly had the urge to start running.

It’s been three years now and although I get out of the habit every now and again, I’ve got the urge to run once again and am even thinking about training for the Carlsbad 1/2 marathon that takes place at the end of January.

A few days ago, I asked my followers on Twitter to suggest some iPhone apps to track my run. After I researched several apps, I chose the one that everyone kept saying was the best – Run Keeper.

I used Run Keeper for the first time yesterday morning and I am already understanding why it’s everyone’s favorite. During my run, I was able to look down at the screen to see how far I had traveled, my average speed and how long I had been running.

Once I finished the run, the app automatically submits it to the site where I am able to go back and see the map (powered by Google) of my route and the app calculated how many calories I burned, the number of feet I climbed and my average pace.

Besides this app, I also use the Lose It! app which tracks the number of calories I take in versus the number of calories burned each day. This allows me to set goals (I hope to lose 2 pounds a week while I’m training) and chart my progress.

I have less than 100 days until the Carlsbad 1/2 marathon. I’ll be tracking my runs and my calories to make sure that I’ll be able to reach my goals.

Wish me luck!

Happy Healthy Hip Parenting
Peace Begins in the Home

Not Marriage Material

I got an email from my boyfriend this morning which has led me to think about my past relationships all day. His best friend from high school got married last night and this is what he had to say about the wedding:

“I wish I could have gone to this wedding with you. A lot of my friends were here with their wives and it’s funny because they all seem to act the same. The husband drinks too much, their wives play the role of caretaker and roll their eyes when their husband tries to be funny. I like that when I’m out with you it’s not like that. We are partners in crime and have each others’ back.”

At first I was flattered. I thought it was sweet that he had wished I were there with him. But then, being the analytical person I tend to be, I read into it a bit deeper and started thinking about the stereotypical relationships that he’s referring to. Am I not considered marriage material because I don’t fit into that role?

Ever since I can remember, I have always been more like the opposite sex than not. This has never been more apparent than when I was married. Many of the arguments we had revolved around the division of household responsibilities and his comparing me to the housewife I never could be. He wanted me to quit drinking and partying altogether and I wished he could remember what it was like to have fun.

I hadn’t even thought about getting married when he proposed but I was young and in love and thought it was the next logical step in our relationship, or in any relationship. I wasn’t thinking that either of us would change once we got married but apparently, he did.

I am still the same person I’ve always been. I never thought that getting married meant that it was time to stop having fun. But I realize, now, that I’m not exactly the type of woman who men want to take home to their parents.

While I have no idea how others truly see me, I do know this -  I am happy in my current situation, satisfied with being a single mom with a best friend (with benefits) who I adore and who equally adores me.

Marriage is very definitive and I don’t think I’m the type of person who can easily be defined.

Am I opposed to marriage? Not at all, but my intention is that when, or if, I do get married again, I’ll marry the man who I am proud to stand next to, who makes me smile without ever having to say a word and who holds my hand when I cry. Why can’t it just be that simple?

Happy Healthy Hip Parenting
Peace Begins in the Home

Domestic Reject

When I separated from my ex-husband three years ago, we were making the same amount of money. Now that I’m relying only on unemployment, I thought it was time to request that  the child support be modified. I asked the court for a fee waiver when filing the paperwork since my monthly expenses exceed my income. I had to declare my income (unemployment benefits and child support) and wouldn’t you know it? I “make” too much money to qualify.

The paperwork that came back was titled “Domestic Reject Notice.” I have a good sense of humor and wanted to  laugh, but instead, those words only reminded me of how divorce is viewed – by many – as a failure. Yep, in that case, I would be considered a Domestic Reject.

Explaining to my son why his dad and I are no longer married is not easy, but he has asked that question recently. When I sat down to discuss it with him, the word “fail” never came to mind.  Did my ex and I fail each other? Definitely. But to understand where we were when we were married and to see where we are now only validates (at least in my opinion) that our marriage was not a failure. Our marriage was pretty successful, especially considering the fact that it ended when it did.

We have succeeded at bringing our beautiful son into the world, we continue to succeed at raising him – together, but separately – and our son is healthy and happy.  We’re both very much involved in our son’s life and actively present in the classroom.

I may feel like a Domestic Reject on some occasions, but today is not one of them. Our son started his first day of Kindergarten today and I enjoyed watching him play with the other kids, explore his new classroom and say goodbye  (with little hesitation).

I’ll remember this day for a long time and no matter what happens, my son will always know that he has a loving family that continues to succeed by supporting one another.

Happy Healthy Hip Parenting
Peace Begins in the Home