No One Wins in a Custody Battle

Just when I think things are going smoothly and issues with my ex-husband are a thing of the past, he has to remind me why we’re no longer together by doing something as selfish as planning his vacation with our son over a weekend that my son was to be with me.

Not only that, but our son will be missing a day of school instead of planning his trip over Spring Break (our son has off from school for over a week) so that, instead,  he can get back at me for some past hurt he’s obviously still feeling.

I read headlines from time to time that say something like, “Father Wins Custody Battle,” which is a complete oxymoron in my book. No one wins in these situations and those that lose the most are the children involved.

We modified our custody arrangement earlier this year and for some reason, I doubted my initial reaction to the wording his lawyer added which allow us both (equally) to have an additional two weeks of vacation throughout each calendar year (a total of 14 days) where we can take our son anywhere, at anytime, so long as we give the other parent a 30-day notice.

According to the vacation plans that my ex has put in place, our son will be with him 4 weekends in a row. All I have to say is that I would never even think about planning a trip over his weekend, nor would I take our son somewhere over his father’s birthday or have him miss school due to a personal vacation. But that’s just me.

Rational thought get thrown out the window when my ex-husband sends me immature text messages (which I  responded to in equal fashion), justifying his actions because years ago (when he had the right to prevent us from going) gave us permission to visit my family out of state over Father’s Day weekend.

Yes, I see how that might upset him and yet, I prefer to leave the past where it belongs. I’m not revengeful, nor do I keep track. I can honestly say that I forgive and forget. He, on the other hand, has vowed to keep track and apparently, he’s using our son to get his revenge.

Just this morning, my son mentioned to me that he misses me when he’s with his dad for “too long,” and vice versa. I get it. I miss him too when he’s with his dad for four days and I know he misses his dad when he’s with me over the long weekend.

Could I be cruel and plan our next trip together over a weekend he’s to be with his dad? Sure. It’s only fair, right?

Happy Healthy Hip Parenting
Peace Begins in the Home

Life and Death and Writing it All Down

If you’re related to me, you may want to stop reading…or perhaps you should just start back at the beginning…For those of you who are a part of my online family, please (lie to me and) tell me you can relate.

Too Much Information (TMI)
I share everything here on this blog, more than I probably should. From the time I had to go to Urgent Care after a night of sex to the frustrations around my co-parenting challenges, my personal stories, along with all the emotions they stir, can be found here. I have nothing to hide. Why then, do the important people in my life feel as though they cannot, for whatever reason, share important information with me?

Home is Where Your Mom Is
I called home today and found out that my grandma (my father’s mom) was just released after being in the hospital for a full week. And it wasn’t until today that I found out? OK, so I know I should call home more often. I shouldn’t be such a stranger to my own family. This is what I get for moving 2,000 miles away, right?

Life is Short
At first I was worried about my Grandma and sad for my Grandpa who is having to make plans to move her into a facility where she can have around the clock care. They have been married for 60 years and still live in the house that my dad and his siblings grew up in. I know that we all grow old and death is inevitable, but it still makes me sad…

And Now I’m in the Anger Stage of Grief
Shortly after I got off the phone with my mom, I realized how pissed off I was. Why didn’t she tell me earlier? Why didn’t my sister call, email, text or Facebook? I chatted with them both online this last week and yet somehow they forgot to mention that my grandma was in the hospital?

Deja Vu
My grandma (my mother’s mom) passed away last year, just before Christmas, and I still have not forgiven myself for not making it to the funeral. It upsets me to no end that I wasn’t there for my mom and the rest of our family. Did that prove to her that I am not able, or willing to deal with this kind of thing?

I Think I Get It
My boyfriend was here last weekend, so my family, I’m assuming, didn’t want to worry me or bring me down while he was here. I sort of get that, and yet, it still hurts.

Poor Me
Being far away from my loved ones is difficult enough, but feeling left out and not informed feels like a betrayal of some sorts. I know, I should call home more often and share, firsthand, what’s been going on in my life, too.

Community
I know intimate details about my online community, friends I’ve made online, and yet the people in my own family often seem like strangers to me. I have no idea what’s going on in their lives and they have no idea what’s going on in mine. Many times they’ll ask me what’s been going on and I find myself wanting to point to this page, to print out the highlights and let them know that my door (or URL) is always open.

The Truth Shall Set Me Free
After reading this and rewriting it and deleting it and starting all over again, I realize that it’s so much easier for me to share how I’m feeling when I can write it down, type it in an email, or onto this page. It’s out there – the whole world can read all of the things I’m not able to say out loud.

The Bottom Line
Being a writer brings so much freedom, provides me with a sense of relief and comfort and yet, at the end of the day, it’s a lonely occupation, just me and my blank sheet of paper, or empty screen waiting to be filled. There’s so much more I want to say and yet there are just as many thoughts that cannot be put into words.

Happy Healthy Hip Parenting
Peace Begins in the Home

National Depression Screening Day

Depression hits people in different ways. Although there are several symptoms that most of us are aware of, it’s difficult to see the impact when we’re the ones suffering from an emotional or psychological disorder.

I’ve had a long history of depression and fought it for many years, self-medicating with alcohol and drugs, which only made things worse, of course.

Never was my depression so apparent then when I was dealing with the new stresses and pressures of being a new mom, trying to balance a full-time job with a newborn and having my family (my ultimate support system) so far away.

I was always the type of person who was afraid to ask for help, never wanting to admit that I couldn’t do something completely on my own. I think many women feel this way, especially in regards to motherhood. After all we’re built to be moms, right?

Did you know that women are twice as likely to suffer from depression as men? And, The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention reports that one in six Latina teens has seriously considered suicide (I was one of them).

Visit Mental Health Screening for a quick psychological checkup and don’t be afraid to speak to your doctor if you feel you may be suffering from any of the following signs of depression:

• Feelings of helplessness and hopelessness: A bleak outlook, thinking that nothing will ever get better and there’s nothing you can do to improve your situation.
• Loss of interest in daily activities: No interest in or ability to enjoy former hobbies, pastimes, social activities, or sex.
• Appetite or weight changes: Significant weight loss or weight gain – a change of more than 5% of body weight in a month.
• Sleep changes: Either insomnia, especially waking in the early hours of the morning, or oversleeping (also known as hypersomnia).
• Psychomotor agitation or retardation: Either feeling “keyed up” and restless or sluggish and physically slowed down.
• Loss of energy: Feeling fatigued and physically drained. Even small tasks are exhausting or taking longer.
• Self-loathing: Strong feelings of worthlessness or guilt. Harsh criticism of perceived faults and mistakes.
• Concentration problems: Trouble focusing, making decisions, or remembering things.

Having read these symptoms just now, I was reminded of the occasions when my husband (at the time) berated me for being lazy and not helping him around the house (because working full-time, breast-feeding and taking care of our infant son wasn’t enough).

I, of course, was suffering from postpartum depression (without either of us realizing it) but it was his statements and anger towards me that provided the fuel for those feelings of inadequacy to take over. Quickly, the state of self-loathing became the guiding force behind my motivation, or lack thereof.

It was the beginning of a downward cycle that led to concentration problems, and a combination of insomnia and hypersomnia (which I attributed to “catching up on my sleep”).

As a society, we’re always quick to blame outside circumstances for our emotional state when clearly, there’s evidence that our internal chemistry truly has a greater effect on our psychological well-being more than anything. I should know this. I studied psychology in school and got the highest grade in my college career in my course on psychopharmacology.

And yet, I continued to ignore the symptoms and did not seek the help I truly needed. It finally took my husband leaving me to realize that I needed to do something, quickly, or my son might have eventually been taken away from me. There’s nothing like the threat of losing your child to put things into perspective.

I am not shy about my past and I don’t blame others for my actions, or my current situation. I hold myself responsible for letting the symptoms of depression control me and from keeping me from being the best mom and wife I could be.

Looking back, I have to say that my husband made the best decision he could, under the circumstances. I was forced to stand on my own two feet in every way, and I am a much stronger, emotionally balanced and content individual for getting through it. But I’m far from past it. It’s following close behind, like a shadow that can never escape from the sun.

My heart goes out to anyone who has ever suffered from depression or has witnessed someone they love going through this emotional roller coaster that takes over every aspect of their life.

I cannot stress enough the importance for women – especially after giving birth – to reach out for emotional support, write about your thoughts and feelings and to not be afraid to ask for help.

It is equally important for all of you husbands and fathers to be aware of the emotional needs of your wife or the mother of your child and allow her the freedom and opportunity to share her thoughts and complaints (without you feeling the need to step in and fix things), and to allow her the opportunity to get out of the house and encourage her to do so, alone, and often.

Happy Healthy Hip Parenting
Peace Begins in the Home

Healing Stories

Have you ever wished that you could find just the right book for a child? Maybe a child in your life is anticipating a big change, such as having a new brother or sister, starting school for the first time, or moving to a new house. Maybe something difficult and painful has happened, such as a divorce, a serious illness, or a death. Or maybe you just know a child who is fearful at bedtime, or worries about growing up, or has a bad day occasionally. You know how important it is to read to children, and it has occurred to you that sharing a story could help the child in your life manage the situation that she or he is going through. But how will you find the right book?

Healing Stories: Picture Books for the Big and Small Changes in a Child’s Life puts at your fingertips a list of more than 500 picture books that was prepared just for this purpose. Stories and other children’s books have been carefully selected by a psychologist who works extensively with children. Each chapter includes an annotated list of picture books relevant to a specific concern that children may have, empowering you to select the books that best match the child and the situation you’re concerned about. This book also includes a helpful introduction that discusses ways to use books with children who are experiencing life changes or stress.

Happy Healthy Hip Parenting
Peace Begins in the Home

Custody Battles

I love reading about custody schedules that work for everyone involved. I adore families who get along for the sake of their children and appreciate stories of divorced couples who remain friends.

Let’s face it, though, this is not always the case and for every story that includes a happy ending, there are those that are sadly dysfunctional and even harmful.

My situation is no exception. When my husband filed for a divorce in 2006, I was mad. I was angry, hurt, confused, depressed, guilty, and pretty much in denial until he moved out two months later. It was a long two months. I don’t think I slept at all during that time, nor did I have a pleasant word to say to or about him.

Needless to say, I’ve learned to put my feelings aside to focus on the needs of our son. It certainly hasn’t been easy and we battled it out in court for quite some time since I tried to seek the court’s approval to move – with my son – back to Minnesota where my family lives, and where I grew up.

I wanted to raise my son near family; my sister’s family and my parents ,in particular. The fact that my ex-husband’s family lives on the East Coast played a major role in my decision as well since I argued that we’d be closer to them once we moved. I had fully anticipated that the court would grant this request and that my husband would eventually get over his feelings so we could focus on the needs of our son.

I was not expecting the court to deny my request but they – at that time – felt that my son was too young to be “taken away” from his father. Those were the words my ex used to describe what I was trying to do. He felt that I was trying to deny his right to be in our son’s life and was upset with me for trying to take our son away from him.

Last week, I was in Minnesota, without my son. It was hard for me – extremely difficult – to think about what life would be like if my son and I lived there. He would be able to grow up with his cousins (dozens of them) and run around outside and, most likely, I would be able to buy a house with a yard and provide him with a childhood filled with happy memories like I have from growing up there.

The judge did mention that I could come back to court when our son was older to make this request again – to move to Minnesota – away from his father. I think about this every day and have even questioned whether or not I could move to Minnesota on my own and leave my son behind. I come to the same conclusion every time.

You can imagine how difficult it would be for me to live somewhere without my son. What he is “missing out on” is only in my mind since he knows nothing other than California as home and his mom and dad as family.

As he gets older, I have a feeling he will want to be with his father more often which is understandable. I am much closer to my mom and have been since I was young – another reason why it’s so hard to live thousands of miles away.

My sister and I spent last week together with her two young boys. I miss them all. My friends and family mean the world to me and it’s a difficult decision I’ve made to live here until my son is old enough to understand my desire to be closer to the rest of my family. That doesn’t make it any easier but it does provide me with more reason to share with my loved ones just how much they mean to me, no matter where I call home.

Happy Healthy Hip Parenting
Peace Begins in the Home

When a Marriage Fails

David, over at Dad’s House, inspired this post since his statements – and the comments that followed – really struck a chord with me.

Calling a marriage a failure is damaging to our society. Imagine what it is like to be a child of divorced parents and hearing that statement (a failed marriage) throughout one’s life. No wonder they are more likely to experience divorce themselves.

Before I go into my own experience and thoughts on this, let me begin by explaining that my parents are married and have been together for over 35 years. They’ve had their difficult years and there was a time in my life where I actually wanted them to get a divorce. I felt (because I was 16 and knew so much about the world) that my mom should leave my dad and life would be peachy keen for everyone (a.k.a. me).

Obviously, I thank my lucky stars that they are still together since I see them now and realize how much I have learned from them and their relationship. No one walks into marriage without baggage and no one walks away from one without regret.

I love, love love, what David had to say about marriage and divorce:

Two people come together, fall in love, make each other complete. They try to get along and lead a happy life, but over time something changes and they can’t. They split and move on.

Is that failure? If they grew from the experience, it’s evolution. If being married forced that change, then maybe the marriage served its purpose and it’s a success.

Yep, I think growth and change is definitely an evolution and our society is not one to embrace such change, unfortunately. Change and growth are scary things to many people and it’s that fear that leads to talking about marriage as either a success or failure that is damaging.

If we succeed at something, doesn’t that typically mean we no longer have goals we are trying to reach? We’ve exceeded our expectations and we no longer have to put forth any effort? Um, no.

If one chooses to remain single (and never marries) does that mean they have failed as well? NO! Marriage should not be seen as something that we need to win or lose at (success vs. fail) but rather, an experience and a relationship that changes us (hopefully, for the better). There are certainly many experiences and relationships in one’s lifetime that also produce change and we would never label them as a failure or a success. Why do we put so much pressure on marriage?

My marriage ended over two years ago. My son was a result of that relationship and I would – if only because of him – have to say that our marriage was a success. I have no regrets (although I had plenty of guilt) and I have no doubt in my mind that my son will grow up to have a healthy self-esteem, parents that love him unconditionally, and an equal and fair chance at finding that one person to spend the rest of his life with as the rest of us.

Happy Healthy Hip Parenting
Peace Begins in the Home

10 Things Men Wish Women Would Know

I have been shopping around (so to speak) for relationship advice lately as many people I know have been coming to me (for who knows what reason) to ask me for my thoughts and insight on marriage and the future of love and intimacy as I know it.

Alright, so my suggestions usually fall along the lines of, “Here’s What NOT To Do,” based on my personal experience with a failed marriage and several failed relationships before and afterwards.

Facebook, Twitter and other social networking sites have introduced me to may blog, including the lylah blog. Even though this post is from last year, there are relevant ideas here for any relationship (not just marriage). 

I need to preface this by saying that I am not a religious person. Even though I grew up Catholic and spent the majority of my education at Catholic schools, I don’t pray or attend church (unless there’s a wedding, baptism or funeral to attend) but I do consider myself a spiritual person.

The reason why I bring this up is that I want to tell you about my experience with the Bible. I read many stories from the Bible growing up and got many things from it. I believe that there are many great lessons to be learned within the pages, whether or not one believes in the stories from a faith point-of-view or, as in my experience, if you enjoy quotes and the power of language.

Let’s face it. The Bible is well-written and well-edited. With my publishing background and love of literature, I look at the Bible much differently as an adult. There are passages and stories written by different people in this collection, and you would be hard-pressed to find one that is not a good storyteller.

I’m getting off track here. What I do want to say though, before I continue with the point of this post, is that I read the Bible as I would any other book. I read between the lines, I disregard some parts of it while re-read others.

The biblical quotes that are included in this list from the lylah blog are powerful and relevant to the message she’s trying to communicate. I encourage you to create your own list (with your partner) to be sure to have a better understanding of his or her needs.

Finally, the list:

   10 Things Men Want Women to Take to Heart:

1. Don’t Try to Change Me
2. Respect Me
3. Understand
4. Pray for Me
5. See Me as God Sees Me
6. Let Me Be Me
7. Let me OWN the Responsibility
8. Feed Me (I take this to mean both physically and spiritually)
9. Build Me Up
10. Express Your Discontent & Disappointment in Me Without Anger

I would be curious to know what men would want their wives to know and vice versa, that are not included in this list. I encourage you to add them in the comments below.

Happy Healthy Hip Parenting
Peace Begins in the Home

Link Share

For writers who are also stay-at-home Moms or if you were raised by a stay-at-home Mom, an opportunity to share your story comes from the Chicken Soup for the Soul series. They’re looking for great stories and you can submit yours on line.

If you’re not able to be in Las Vegas for the annual ENK show, be sure to check out the companies who will be highlighting their products. There are several reasons to head to Las Vegas but for those who have never been should certainly check out this event.

How Emotionally Intense is Your Child? Temperament plays a major role in how you and your child react to one another and how your child reacts to others.

Ms. Single Mama writes a touching letter to her future husband. Here’s my favorite line:

“I’m not ready to meet you yet. Almost… but not quite. I’m working on it. I am dating but I won’t settle for anything less than – you.”

Happy Healthy Hip Parenting
Peace Begins in the Home

Discover: Science, Technology and the Future

I’m continually finding new resources for articles and issues relating to psychology, biology and science. It seems there’s always more to Discover:

• Fearless Mothers
• Do Brothers Make you Gay?
• The Biology Behind Sex in the City
• Why Loneliness is Bad for You
• Mind Over Moods
• Map: High School Hook Ups
• Autism: It’s Not Just in the Head
• Vital Signs: Misdiagnosing ADHD
• Babies Who Beat AIDS

Happy Healthy Hip Parenting
Peace Begins in the Home

Amber Alert

Every time I hear of an Amber Alert, I wonder what the story is behind the situation. I wonder how many of them involve the parent of the child who has gone missing. I wonder how many relationships are being torn apart – for whatever reason – and how many children are being pulled in different directions. I wonder how their stories will end.

As someone who went through a painful divorce, I can remember the plethora of emotions that I experienced as my marriage (and friendship with my husband) fell apart, as my son and I had to learn to adjust to home life without his father and as my son learned to adjust to his father’s new house, without me. Our son was quite young at the time and now doesn’t remember the three of us ever living under the same roof.

What he does know is that the three of us (him, me and his dad) are a family and that the two of us were thrilled to bring him into the world. He knows that although we don’t all live in the same house, we’re still a family. He knows that, for us, family includes my sister and her family, my parents, his paternal grandmother and his dad’s sister. Oh, and his dad’s best friend and my close friends and their families…

I could go on but the point I want to make is that every family is different, unique. My son knows children who are raised by their grandparents, or who have only one parent in their lives. We also know families that have adopted children, foster children, or those who have two dads and one mom, or one mom and one aunt who raise the child together. Families are a beautiful thing and I’m proud of my family, despite the fact that this is not the “family life” I envisioned having when I was a little girl.

I wonder how the children involved in the Amber Alert situations will define family as they get older. I wonder if they will know about the fact that they were reported missing at one time, what details will be explained to them, and what information will never (and should not ever) be revealed?

Will I share with my son the unpleasant memories from my past or things that I’m not proud of? Will I encourage him to ask me questions? Of course – because having him feel comfortable enough to say anything, tell me what’s on his mind and ask me any question he thinks of is one of the major goals I have set for building our relationship and making it stronger as he grows up.

So far, so good.

Happy Healthy Hip Parenting
Peace Begins in the Home