Over One Thousand Ninety-Five Days Ago

My son loves numbers, big numbers especially. When he was asked in school to share a story about a time he got hurt, he referenced a time (obviously he couldn’t think of anything in particular) when he got hurt 365 days ago. He’s always asking how many days old he is (which is when I get out the handy calculator), hours, minutes, and even seconds. It’s fun to figure out these big numbers and even more exciting to count down the months, weeks, hours and minutes until he becomes a big brother.

Looking back at my archives, I realized that I missed my 3-year anniversary here. I’ve been blogging for just a little over three years and it’s hilarious – and overwhelming – to look back and see how much things have changed for us in these thousand and some days.

In the Fall of 2007 I became a Certified Parent Educator and was eager to help other single parents through the transition of a separation or divorce. My focus hasn’t changed and I’m pleased to announce that I’ll be holding regular classes, once again, in the coming months.

When I first started typing – and sharing here – I was newly single and scared as hell. I had a three year old boy who has now become a very wise, funny and sensitive young man. He’s growing up so quickly and it’s been a great journey so far, just the two of us.

Shortly though, there will be some major changes since he will no longer be an only child. He’s excited to be a new brother even though he has no idea what’s in store for us once we bring the baby home. Speaking of home, we don’t know where we’ll be living yet when that time comes and whether or not my husband will be able to finally be with us, permanently.

Our back-up plan is for him to take some unpaid time off to be with me while I recover and while we all bond with the new baby and try to get into a routine of some sort. It’s all very exciting, really. Overwhelming on most days but overall a very happy, positive change that we are looking forward to.

Who knows where we’ll be three years from now. I can’t even fathom what our life will be like in three months – with a new baby, a new home and a fresh start.

One day at a time…

Happy Healthy Hip Parenting
Peace Begins in the Home

Project Mom Casting

Everyone has a story to tell. Here’s mine.

I started blogging in 2007, around the same time I started my company. I am a Certified Parent Educator & Life Coach with a focus on co-parenting relationships and helping single moms and dads deal with the transition following a divorce or break-up. My own high-conflict divorce lasted nearly 18 months and I wanted to help others who were going through similar experiences.

Through the court, I requested to move with my son to Minnesota, where our family is, and where I would have the support I would need to raise a child on my own.

His dad fought the move and ultimately, the judge denied my request. I was working full-time and traveled quite a bit for my job. It was stressful, but I had no idea things were going to become even more challenging.

I was laid off at the end of 2008 after working 7 1/2 years for the same company. I have been unemployed ever since, focusing on this blog and struggling to build a career or find a job that could support me and my son. The legal bills haunted me and my financial situation got worse each month but the recognition & comments I received through this site and from my new “friends” were priceless.

2010: I recently married my long-distance boyfriend who is now my long-distance husband. We found out we were pregnant in May (I’m due January 2, 2011). I had no medical insurance at the time so getting married right away was a practical choice. We had talked about marriage prior to this, and it felt right to both of us.

My son started calling him “Dad” right away and is thrilled about his new baby brother.

As of today, we don’t know when my husband will be able to join us out here. Our goal is to have him transfer before the baby comes but even then, he’ll be commuting to OC which means he’ll be gone nearly 14 hours a day.

I think often about moving to Minnesota (where my husband and our families are) and if it would be possible to bring my son. I don’t have the resources to even begin that legal battle. Both scenarios feel selfish to me which is why I was relieved that my husband made the decision to move out here with us, well before we found out I was pregnant.

Blogging and interacting with others online helps me stay sane. I get online to escape. I don’t reveal too many details on this blog, but instead I try to focus on the positive things and memories that I will be happy to look back on in years to come. There are more and more of them every day.

My husband, son, family and friends surround me with so much inspiration that I can’t help but be excited about our future.

Happy Healthy Hip Parenting
Peace Begins in the Home

No One Wins in a Custody Battle

Just when I think things are going smoothly and issues with my ex-husband are a thing of the past, he has to remind me why we’re no longer together by doing something as selfish as planning his vacation with our son over a weekend that my son was to be with me.

Not only that, but our son will be missing a day of school instead of planning his trip over Spring Break (our son has off from school for over a week) so that, instead,  he can get back at me for some past hurt he’s obviously still feeling.

I read headlines from time to time that say something like, “Father Wins Custody Battle,” which is a complete oxymoron in my book. No one wins in these situations and those that lose the most are the children involved.

We modified our custody arrangement earlier this year and for some reason, I doubted my initial reaction to the wording his lawyer added which allow us both (equally) to have an additional two weeks of vacation throughout each calendar year (a total of 14 days) where we can take our son anywhere, at anytime, so long as we give the other parent a 30-day notice.

According to the vacation plans that my ex has put in place, our son will be with him 4 weekends in a row. All I have to say is that I would never even think about planning a trip over his weekend, nor would I take our son somewhere over his father’s birthday or have him miss school due to a personal vacation. But that’s just me.

Rational thought get thrown out the window when my ex-husband sends me immature text messages (which I  responded to in equal fashion), justifying his actions because years ago (when he had the right to prevent us from going) gave us permission to visit my family out of state over Father’s Day weekend.

Yes, I see how that might upset him and yet, I prefer to leave the past where it belongs. I’m not revengeful, nor do I keep track. I can honestly say that I forgive and forget. He, on the other hand, has vowed to keep track and apparently, he’s using our son to get his revenge.

Just this morning, my son mentioned to me that he misses me when he’s with his dad for “too long,” and vice versa. I get it. I miss him too when he’s with his dad for four days and I know he misses his dad when he’s with me over the long weekend.

Could I be cruel and plan our next trip together over a weekend he’s to be with his dad? Sure. It’s only fair, right?

Happy Healthy Hip Parenting
Peace Begins in the Home

Do You Care for Valentine’s Day?

I  cringe when thinking about the time my ex-husband gave me a Vermont Teddy Bear for Valentine’s Day – over six months after he moved out and filed for divorce.

Even though the card said that it was from my son, I couldn’t help but gag at the idea. I mean, it’s not like our son (who was only 3 at the time) actually picked it out or even suggested that he get me a gift at all. In fact, when I opened the box, my son grabbed the bear, assuming it was for him. I didn’t argue.

Sad to say this is the memory that first came to mind when reading about this contest from Care.com (the largest and fastest growing service used by families to find high-quality caregivers) .

They have put together an awesome Valentine’s Day contest which allows people to share their most romantic or funny Valentine’s Day memory. I’m guessing if you have a story to enter, it’s much funnier and way more romantic than mine.

One lucky Grand Prize winner will receive a trip for two to Los Angeles, including round-trip airfare, a two-night hotel stay at the luxury SLS Hotel with dinner for two at SLS’s Bazaar restaurant and a private VIP tour of the Warner Bros. Studio lot, where “Valentine’s Day” was filmed.  Twelve finalists will each receive two tickets to see the film.  In the spirit of Valentine’s Day, Care.com will also provide the winners with a free one-month premium membership to find that perfect babysitter.

HOW TO ENTER: Enter at www.facebook.com/caredotcom, and share your most romantic or funniest Valentine’s Day memory. All entries should be rated PG. The twelve finalists will be selected during the months of January and February 2010. One Grand Prize Winner will be selected from among the 12 finalists in February. Three Finalists will be selected by a panel of judges on or around each of the following dates: January 23, 2010, January 30, 2010, February 6, 2010, and February 13, 2010. One Grand Prize Winner will be selected from among the 12 Finalists on or around February 13, 2010.

Happy Healthy Hip Parenting
Peace Begins in the Home

Division of Property

When I was six months pregnant with my son (back in 2003), my ex-husband and I moved into this 2-bedroom condo which we purchased as first time buyers. I was both anxious and excited and in the middle of the nesting phase so everything had to be in perfect order, according to my standards, so I could feel comfortable and ready to welcome a new baby into our home.

Six years later, after a divorce, losing my full-time job (of 8 years), and seeing our son start Kindergarten, we’re in a much different place, except for the fact that my son and I still remain in the condo once shared by the three of us. Luckily, my son was much too young to remember when we all lived here together and because his dad has moved twice since then, I’m a bit apprehensive about our upcoming move, worried about how it will affect our son even though he’s the most adaptable out of all of us (most kids are).

When we first separated and were going through the process of divorce, I was working and traveling often, taking care of our son, who was 2 1/2 at the time, and rejected the idea of moving on top of dealing with everything else. I chose to stay in the condo with our son, believing that keeping the same home environment for him during the transition was in his best interest. Of course, this meant that the condo stayed in both of our names, we shared the burden of the mortgage and it seemed like a win-win for everyone.

Spending so much time inside the condo during the last year, after losing my job, has made me acutely aware of how draining this place really has been. It’s dark and filled with negative energy still looming from the toxic marriage we brought into it. Since our separation in 2006, several people have told me how I need to clear the energy with sage, get rid of the furniture and everything else that my ex-husband and I picked out together and of course, to  move out and get a place of my own. I have finally found the strength and the energy required to finally make this change happen.

I signed the condo over to him just a few days ago. I can’t even begin to explain how much relief I felt afterward. Freedom. Independence. That’s what I have waited for all along, knowing that I can make it on my own and can create a space for my son and I that is ours alone, even though it’s only temporary.

I pick up the keys to our new place tomorrow and it all seems so surreal since I really only started looking for a new place to live during winter break, less than a month ago. After a quick search for apartments in our area, I realized that I may not actually be able to afford a place of my own.

I cried and complained to a good friend who suggested that I look for granny flats and less than two days later, I saw the place that we will be slowly moving into during the next few weeks. It was the second place I looked at and for whatever reason, this one felt perfect to me, my son fell in love with it as well, and the woman who owns the property made me feel so comfortable that I wanted to hug her when we first met.

This feels like a huge step up for me, even though we’re downsizing quite a bit. Right now, we live in a 2 bedroom condo with 2 full bathrooms. I have two large closets in my master bedroom, and use every space possible to accommodate my home office and overflowing bookshelves.

Our new place is one large, open room with vaulted ceilings and a lot of natural light and windows. We have a large patio and the biggest highlight, of course, is that it’s much less expensive than what I’m paying now. Our biggest challenge will be deciding what we can bring with us and what we’ll have to donate, sell, or toss since there’s not much room for “stuff” we don’t really need.

2010 marks a new stage in my life. Besides this big move, I’m also preparing for my third interview with a company looking to hire me as their Social Media Specialist, a newly created position that I am eager to fill.

It’s an exciting time. I can’t wait to see what’s next.

Are you looking to move – into a home or apartment? Move.com can help with all your moving needs, from locating a neighborhood that best suits you, calculating the mortgage you can afford, to decorating your new place once you finally find the home of your dreams.

Happy Healthy Hip Parenting
Peace Begins in the Home

Children’s Bill of Rights

This has been published elsewhere, although I do not know who the original author/source should be attributed to. I do know that this is provided to parents dealing with custody issues through most US Courts.

I. The right not to be asked to “choose sides” or be put in a situation where I would have to take sides between my parents.

II. The right to be treated as a person and not as a pawn, possession or negotiating chip.

III. The right to freely and privately communicate with both parents.

IV. The right not to be asked questions by one parent about the other.

V. The right not to be a messenger.

VI. The right to express my feelings.

VII. The right to adequate visitation with the non-custodial parent which will best serve my needs and wishes.

VIII. The right to love and have a relationship with both parents without being made to feel guilty.

IX. The right not to hear either parent say anything bad about the other.

X. The right to the same educational opportunities and economic support that I would have had if my parents did not divorce.

XI. The right to have what is in my best interest protected at all times.

XII. The right to maintain my status as a child and not to take on adult responsibilities for the sake of the parent’s well-being.

XIII. The right to request my parents seek appropriate emotional and social support when needed.

XIV. The right to expect consistent parenting at a time when little in my life seems constant or secure.

XV. The right to expect healthy relationship modeling, despite the recent events.

XVI. The right to expect the utmost support when taking the time and steps needed to secure a healthy adjustment to the current situation.

Happy Healthy Hip Parenting
Peace Begins in the Home

Rachel Sarah: The woman with two first names

Whenever I am introduced to someone named Sarah, the first thing that comes to mind is how she spells her name. Is it Sarah with an ‘h’ or without?

Ever since I discovered Rachel Sarah, I knew there was no way I could ever forget her name, or her writing. She’s everywhere. And I mean that in a good way. I picked up a copy of her book, Single Mom Seeking, while I was going through my divorce. I loved the idea of living vicariously through Rachel as I read her  story about  dating as a single parent.

Slowly, I began to immerse myself in everything having to do with being a single parent and soon started to share  stories online of my transition from married life to being a single mom.

Not long into my blogging “career,” I was honored to be  invited to be a part of the Single Parents Connection on Facebook. Rachel was one of the people who put it together and I was thrilled to be listed among her and some other amazing writers (Mary Pols, for example).

There are so many women and men out there who are successful at managing work and family and many who are also single parents. Rachel Sarah is one of them and is a true inspiration to me. She’s a terrific writer, an amazing mom and a woman who I can definitely relate to. I hope to be able to buy her a drink someday or thank her in person for helping me get through one the most challenging stages of my life, so far.

Happy Healthy Hip Parenting
Peace Begins in the Home

Open: Love, Sex, and Life in an Open Marriage

What do Bill Clinton, John Edwards and David Letterman have in common? Well, they’ve each been “caught” having an extra-marital affair, a sexual relationship with someone other than their spouse. While it doesn’t shock me to hear their stories, I do find it disturbing that their wives have stood by them and put up with their behavior. Then again, how do I know that these women aren’t also enjoying the company of others behind closed doors?

“It is estimated that 50-65% of husbands and 40-45% of wives cheat.”

Open relationships do not always start out that way, as Jenny Block explains. I first read Jenny’s article on Your Tango and  discovered that she’s the author of Open, her memoir which focuses on the evolution of her open marriage and includes extensive research and resources regarding the history of marriage, extra-marital affairs and divorce.

“I began to think it was unfair – ludicrous, really – to expect my husband to fulfill me on every level. Outside of the bedroom, I don’t have those standards for him.”

While I don’t justify or excuse lying, cheating or betrayal of any kind, I can relate to the idea that having a sexual relationship with more than one person can create a more fulfilling marriage. I wouldn’t have been able to say that prior to reading this book and even though I can’t see myself being open to an open marriage, I do understand that Block’s experience and the journey she and her husband took is one that works for them, and many other couples.

“Polyamorists refuse to take marriage at face value, and instead accept only what actually works, rather than what ‘s supposed to work.”

With nearly seventeen pages of footnotes, lists of works consulted and resources that she mentions, Jenny not only did research in the bedroom, but in the library as well. She took copious notes and shares intimate details of her experience with creating an open marriage that has led her to a stronger relationship with her husband, a more fulfilling sex life and an inspiration to those who can not quite understand why it is that marriage and monogamy do not fit with what they envision for themselves.

“It’s always fascinating to me that people are more disturbed by the idea of an open marriage than they are by cheating.”

Open is a thought-provoking look at marriage, sexuality and what it means to be in an intimate relationship. With confidence and honesty, Block shares her story and defends the dynamic of her marriage since it is certainly not something that is accepted in mainstream America, just yet.

“What if the problem is not with wanting what we want, but rather the way we are made to feel for wanting it?”

Happy Healthy Hip Parenting
Peace Begins in the Home

Our non-traditional Halloween

The last few years have been dedicated to my transition into single motherhood and staying sane. It certainly has not been easy, but I feel as though, now, I’m in the most healthy state I have ever been in. Nothing reflects this more than seeing how confident and well-adjusted my son is at 5 1/2.

His father and I separated in 2006 and while we share in his birthday celebration each year, I have not participated in the Halloween experience since we all lived together.

This year will mark the first time that all three of us will spend Halloween together as a family. It will be also be a benchmark in determining how future holidays and special events will be celebrated since my boyfriend will also be joining us.

My son has grown very fond of the special man in my life (as have I), and has suggested that we all share in the trick-or-treating experience together. While this idea, at first, felt both awkward and unusual, I keep reminding myself that today’s “modern families” are as unique as fingerprints.

I would imagine that the four of us may not look like other families that come to your door on Halloween, but my son is a happy  and healthy little boy who has great role models in his life, beyond just his mom and dad. Who’s to say that our situation is not ideal?

CatMan

While he doesn’t quite comprehend why we can’t all live together under the same roof, I will say that he’s pretty darn lucky to have two parents who are respectful, generous, and understanding of one another. Those of you who read this blog regularly may argue that the two of us could be more respectful toward one another and more understanding, but what our son sees and hears through our actions and how we “behave” in front of him is what has shaped him into the amazing little man he has become.

Halloween is over a week away, so I don’t know what will happen between now and then, but I do know that I am proud of my son for bringing us all together. I can’t imagine not being there to see him in his costume or the look on his face when he sifts through all the candy that he collects!

He chose his costume several months ago and I’m pleased to say that he has not let anyone, including his father and I, influence his decision. The photo to the left is of him trying on his Cat Woman ensemble for the first time.

Happy Healthy Hip Parenting
Peace Begins in the Home

How Will We Love?

Chris Brickler was one of the keynote speakers at the It Takes a Village  Parenting Conference this past weekend in San Diego. His presentation touched everyone in the audience and his film truly inspires and challenges us to change the way we, as a society, view – and value – commitment and marriage.

Starting with an interview of his grandparents and honoring their marriage of over 68 years, Brickler’s documentary, How Will We Love? seeks to determine why it is that over 50% of marriages end in divorce while many of us still cling to the hope of a happily-ever-after, life-long romance.

Speaking with experts in the field of marriage, relationships, sexuality, and communication, as well as sharing insights from couples – both young and old – How Will We Love? is a bittersweet and inspirational journey through the heartache and exuberance love can create.

Whether you’re married, engaged or healing from a heartbreak, this film is a much-needed discussion starter on dating, pre-marital sex, love, marriage and what it means to be in a committed relationship.

I’m pleased to be able to give away a copy of this DVD. To win this copy, please let us know which couple inspires you and why. It could be your grandparents, your friend’s parents, or another couple you know – perhaps even a couple on TV! One winner will be selected – at random – on Sweetest Day (October 17th).

Happy Healthy Hip Parenting
Peace Begins in the Home