Settling for Mr. Good Enough

Everyone knows that Prince Charming doesn’t really exist, yet we’re still trained from an early age to believe a Knight in Shining Armour will come along and save the Princess, whether or not she’s in need of being rescued.

It’s hard, as a woman, not to have drilled into you the notion that no matter how objectively ordinary you may be, somehow you ‘deserve’ to be with the crème de la crème of male companionship.

Lori Gottlieb, author of the controversial book, Marry Him: The Case for Settling for Mr. Good Enough, shares a personal story of how she learned (the hard way) that finding Mr. Right might not be the best plan, after all, when looking for a life partner.

I’m not asking you to settle, I’m asking you to broaden your fantasies.

Through interviews with relationship experts, matchmakers, those looking for love and the successful ones who are now happily married, Lori makes some eye-opening discoveries about the culture of dating, what it takes to create a successful marriage and how expectations that many females hold are impossible for men to live up to.

To us, feminism meant we had ‘freedom’ and ‘choice’ in all aspects of our lives. We could pursue professional careers, take time to ‘find ourselves’ before getting married, decide not to get married at all, and have our sexual needs met whenever we felt like it. The fact that we didn’t need a man to have a fulfilling life felt empowering…Empowerment somehow became synonymous with having impossible standards and disregarding the fact that in real life, you can’t get everything you want, when you want it, on your terms only.

After diving back into the dating scene in my early thirties, post-divorce and with a small child, I realized how unlikely it would be for me to find someone, especially someone who would have everything I was looking for. Reading Lori’s book made me laugh at the dating adventures I experienced along the way and ever-so-grateful for the man I now call Mr. Right.

The older you get, the more complicated dating becomes, and no amount of attitude adjustment can turn back the clock and change those realities.

Looking back at the dating process I went through, from trying to get past the profile pictures to finally understanding my own needs, I realize that Marry Him, is a book I wish I had read in my twenties and that I know women in their thirties (and beyond) will relate to.

This isn’t supposed to make you feel crummy. It’s supposed to be eye-opening. Not thinking you’re above it all makes you more self-aware, and self-awareness leads to better decision. It puts you in a better position to get what you want.

What you want also changes as you get older, but Lori says it best: “What matters is finding the perfect partner, not the perfect person.”

If you’re looking for the perfect partner, or if you found him but may have let him go, this is the book  you need to help you gain perspective on which path to go down next, whether you take that journey alone, or with the man you thought would never come along.

Happy Healthy Hip Parenting
Peace Begins in the Home

Our Long-Distance Relationship

I’ve been dating Mr. Right for several months now (seven, if you’re keeping track) and every time his name comes up, the same question is asked: When is he going to move here?

At first, I avoided the question, letting people know we take things day by day and are in no hurry to rush into anything.

If you asked either of us directly, we’d say the same thing. We enjoy our time together, look forward to those long weekends and cherish the time we have to ourselves. In that time, we’re able to develop our individual interests, careers, goals, and hobbies so that we can fully give to one another when we can.

But…

We’re not kids anymore, and our relationship with one another has quickly become one of the most important components of who we are. We schedule time to chat during the week so that we can devote quality time to one another, checking in on a regular basis, gaining an understanding of the daily situations, experiences, thoughts, and emotions that same-city couples encounter.

Again, there’s no rush. In fact, I would argue that we’re more cautious because of the additional challenges we face.

Long-distance relationships require additional effort. It hasn’t been easy and I wouldn’t expect anyone to understand our situation if they haven’t been in a long-distance relationship themselves, or in a relationship with a single parent.

The fact that the two of us have known each other for so long seems to be the key to our success. What happens in the future depends on our continued commitment to being open, honest and receptive. I see no reason why this would change.

We create our destiny. It is what we make of it. We allow our experiences to influence our emotions and shape how we feel about where each step will lead.

As I write this, I think of how far we’ve come, the distance between us and the history that keeps us moving forward, together, looking in the same direction, focusing on where we hope to be twenty years from now – by each other’s side.

It feels good. It feels right. It feels safe, comfortable and perfect. In every way.

I hold on to this feeling…knowing that every moment we’re apart brings us closer together in the end, and yet there is no end…

This is just the beginning.

Happy Healthy Hip Parenting
Peace Begins in the Home

The Christmas Secret

Donna VanLiere is the author of many NYT Bestselling titles, and The Christmas Secret is her most recent.  I am happy to announce that I’ve been provided with 2 copies to give away to a few lucky readers!

The Christmas Secret follows single mom, Christine, through a rough spot in her life, having to leave her two children home alone, so she can go to work and stash some money away for rent, heat, and a few presents to put under the tree.

Christine struggles with the idea of dating again on top of everything else she’s juggling and as a single mom, I could really relate to the confusing thoughts and emotions that go through her mind as she tries to justify her feelings regarding the new man in her life.

He’s so handsome. What’s the point? Maybe he’ll love kids. When he hears about the kids he’ll be gone. He’s too young for me. I’m too old for him.”

With the support of friends and those who create a new family for her and the children, Christine rises above the pain and hurt from her past and steps into the warmth of the holiday spirit, surrounded by love from those lighting her path.

Pain is a part of love…I don’t think we’d recognize love without it.”

The Christmas Secret is just one of many titles by VanLiere. Others include The Christmas Promise, The Christmas Blessing, The Christmas Shoes and The Christmas Hope. Three of these books have also been turned into movies, with The Christmas Hope recently premiering this weekend as a Lifetime Original Movie. Look for it on Sunday, December 13th.

You can also read my review for her memoir, Finding Grace, a book that is both haunting and healing.

If you’d like to win a copy of The Christmas Secret, for yourself, or as a gift for someone else, please let me know what your holiday secret wish or burning desire is this season! Mine is to find a job that will allow me to move closer to my family, and Mr. Right.

Good luck.

Happy Healthy Hip Parenting
Peace Begins in the Home

Rachel Sarah: The woman with two first names

Whenever I am introduced to someone named Sarah, the first thing that comes to mind is how she spells her name. Is it Sarah with an ‘h’ or without?

Ever since I discovered Rachel Sarah, I knew there was no way I could ever forget her name, or her writing. She’s everywhere. And I mean that in a good way. I picked up a copy of her book, Single Mom Seeking, while I was going through my divorce. I loved the idea of living vicariously through Rachel as I read her  story about  dating as a single parent.

Slowly, I began to immerse myself in everything having to do with being a single parent and soon started to share  stories online of my transition from married life to being a single mom.

Not long into my blogging “career,” I was honored to be  invited to be a part of the Single Parents Connection on Facebook. Rachel was one of the people who put it together and I was thrilled to be listed among her and some other amazing writers (Mary Pols, for example).

There are so many women and men out there who are successful at managing work and family and many who are also single parents. Rachel Sarah is one of them and is a true inspiration to me. She’s a terrific writer, an amazing mom and a woman who I can definitely relate to. I hope to be able to buy her a drink someday or thank her in person for helping me get through one the most challenging stages of my life, so far.

Happy Healthy Hip Parenting
Peace Begins in the Home

Not Marriage Material

I got an email from my boyfriend this morning which has led me to think about my past relationships all day. His best friend from high school got married last night and this is what he had to say about the wedding:

“I wish I could have gone to this wedding with you. A lot of my friends were here with their wives and it’s funny because they all seem to act the same. The husband drinks too much, their wives play the role of caretaker and roll their eyes when their husband tries to be funny. I like that when I’m out with you it’s not like that. We are partners in crime and have each others’ back.”

At first I was flattered. I thought it was sweet that he had wished I were there with him. But then, being the analytical person I tend to be, I read into it a bit deeper and started thinking about the stereotypical relationships that he’s referring to. Am I not considered marriage material because I don’t fit into that role?

Ever since I can remember, I have always been more like the opposite sex than not. This has never been more apparent than when I was married. Many of the arguments we had revolved around the division of household responsibilities and his comparing me to the housewife I never could be. He wanted me to quit drinking and partying altogether and I wished he could remember what it was like to have fun.

I hadn’t even thought about getting married when he proposed but I was young and in love and thought it was the next logical step in our relationship, or in any relationship. I wasn’t thinking that either of us would change once we got married but apparently, he did.

I am still the same person I’ve always been. I never thought that getting married meant that it was time to stop having fun. But I realize, now, that I’m not exactly the type of woman who men want to take home to their parents.

While I have no idea how others truly see me, I do know this -  I am happy in my current situation, satisfied with being a single mom with a best friend (with benefits) who I adore and who equally adores me.

Marriage is very definitive and I don’t think I’m the type of person who can easily be defined.

Am I opposed to marriage? Not at all, but my intention is that when, or if, I do get married again, I’ll marry the man who I am proud to stand next to, who makes me smile without ever having to say a word and who holds my hand when I cry. Why can’t it just be that simple?

Happy Healthy Hip Parenting
Peace Begins in the Home

Twenty Questions

I’m really having a good time getting to know Mr. Right all over again and there are so many questions I want to ask.

Here are just a few. And yes, I plan on sharing my answers with him to.

1. What has been one of your biggest accomplishments?
2. If you could excel at any competitive sport which would you choose?
3. How would your last girlfriend or boyfriend describe you?
4. What traits are most important to you in a future partner?
5. What are you passionate enough about to fight for?
6. Has your heart ever been broken?
7. What was the craziest thing you ever did when you were a kid?
8. Who has the most influence over you?
9. What have you learned from your biggest challenge in life?
10. What’s the worst mistake you ever made in a relationship?
11. Are you a spiritual person?
12. What’s your favorite scent? Least favorite?
13. What do you want to be doing in 10 years?
14. Would you like to live somewhere else?
15. What’s the most unusual thing you know how to do?
16. What do you have a hard time saying “no” to?
17. How do you act when you’re angry?
18. Who are you closest to in your family?
19. What do you want to make sure you do before you die?
20. What’s the most beautiful place you’ve ever seen?

There are several companies that make discussion starter queue cards like these Table Topics that come in a variety of themes, to spark discussions among Couples, Teens, and Family.

I want to get to know you as well, so if you are reading this, please take a moment to select one (or more)  of the above questions to answer. I’ll post my responses next week (when I return from my romantic weekend with my significant other).

Happy Healthy Hip Parenting
Peace Begins in the Home

Urgent Care (or the Tale of the Missing Condom)

Even though I was at BlogHer this year and attended several seminars and sat in on a few panels, I was not present for the reading of Knotty Yarn‘s Stuck in the Middle with You. Danielle read the entire blog post during her keynote speech and I am kind of glad I wasn’t there cause I would’ve probably pissed myself from laughing so hard and then I’d end up telling everyone around me about the time that I had to go to Urgent Care for a similar situation (you know, to distract them from the fact that I had wet myself).

Oh hell, it’s an awesome story and one that I can’t believe has not been shared yet. So here goes:

It was the first time I had sex with this particular individual and it had been a long time for me (dry spell). I was incredibly turned on and it was completely-spontaneous-in-the-middle-of-the-afternoon type sex and everything was going well – until it was over.

After sex, I typically lay there in the afterglow and enjoy the sensation of being naked and not having a care in the world (as opposed to being naked in front of the mirror) but this time, that moment of calm was interrupted by what he said.

“I think the condom slipped off.” He said it so casually that it took me a second to register what he was trying to say. Once I did, I could hardly relax. My first thought went to what day of the month it was, quickly followed by: Was I ovulating? Was the pill 99% effective with or without a condom? I couldn’t remember and I was panicking and not even thinking about the sex anymore or how good it wasn’t. All I could think about was, Could I be pregnant already?

As I stood up and looked at him (standing in front of me, naked, and with an odd expression on his face), I realized that he was more freaked out than I was. I started to get dressed and was thinking about the Morning After Pill and what I would have to do in order to get a hold of one, when I noticed that he was tearing the sheets off the bed. And that’s when I realized that what he really meant to say was, “The condom is missing.”

We both started to look under the bed and tossed aside the clothes that lay on the floor around us. “Where is it?” I said. “It’s gotta be around here somewhere,” he responded.

It was nowhere to be found. The only logical place it could possibly be was inside. Me.

I went to the bathroom to try and fish it out (seriously, Danielle, I feel your pain here). By the time I finally gave up on the search, my female bits were sore and I was seriously not in the mood to even face my new partner.

I was pissed. In fact, my partner would say (if we were still speaking), that he wanted to leave at that moment because I was acting like such a bitch. I was embarrassed, annoyed and freaked out (still thinking about the possibility of conception).

We went to bed that night with our backs to each other. I was not going to let him touch me again. After all, imagine what else could happen down there? I was seriously behaving like a child, blaming him for ‘losing’ the condom instead of laughing about such a crazy situation (which I laughed about the next day).

I went to Urgent Care the next morning although I made sure to call ahead. See, I’ve been there before and I know about that little window in the tiny waiting room that you’re required to speak through when you check in. The receptionist asks you what you’re there for and I was prepared to not have to explain it to her and the handful of strangers sitting there.

Over the phone, I told her why I was coming in. “I had sex last night and the condom disappeared. I think it’s stuck inside me.” I made sure to explain that I would not be able to say that out loud when I got there. I think she was laughing at me when she hung up the phone.

When I arrived, the woman behind the desk asked me what I was there for (I swear, she should’ve recognized my embarrassment), so I said, “I’m the one who just called. About the situation. You know. That I can’t say.” She nodded (fighting back a laugh) and said, “A nurse practitioner will be with you shortly.” I sat down and everyone in the waiting room stared, wondering what I was there for and why it was too scary to say out loud and should they be sitting so close to me?

Apparently, getting a condom (or anything else) stuck inside you is sort of a big deal, cause I was called back pretty much right away and as I stood up, everyone in the room looked up at me, either thinking that they were glad they didn’t have what I had or jealous because they still had to wait for their emergency care.

Once I was with the practitioner, I was much less concerned about an unplanned pregnancy and was sort of intrigued when she started telling me about “other” things that “people” have gotten stuck inside them (notice how she didn’t say ‘women’ or ‘vagina’). My imagination was on overdrive as she removed the condom and provided it to me as evidence (I asked to see it) so I could relax and return to my regular scheduled program.

Happy Healthy Hip Parenting
Peace Begins in the Home

Where Do We Go From Here?

Now what? What’s next? Where do we go from here? These are the questions I asked myself as I sat crying in the airport after saying goodbye to the man I spent the last five days with. The man I gave my heart to years ago. The conversations and moments that we shared were long overdue but perfect in every way. Except for the sunburn.

I thought about sharing every detail here and relive the exact moment when we made that next step, the words that we spoke, the way he tasted and felt, but I also want to keep the memory of these events in a special place – between the two of us. Because it was a very special occasion, consummating our relationship after being friends (with much sexual tension between us) for fifteen years. Not that I’ve been keeping track or anything…

He got the approval from my friends and my son but now he’s gone. The five days went by so quickly and now it’s a big reality check for the both of us and I’m back to the same questions that I do not know the answers to just yet. What’s next? Where do we go from here?

Happy Healthy Hip Parenting
Peace Begins in the Home

Lady in Waiting

Dating while having a young son is a little challenging at times. He hears things (overhears things) and is exposed to conversations that give him a tiny bit of insight about how it all works.

I have a male friend coming in town tonight. My son asked me earlier if I have a crush on him. The question startled me, and I couldn’t help but smile, and I know he assumed this meant ‘yes.’

When I asked him to explain what it meant to have a crush, he said, “It’s when you like someone.”

“Then, yes, I suppose I do have a crush on him.”

Seconds later he asked if there was going to be more boys or girls tonight. I assume he meant when my friend joins us, so I said, “There’s going to be more boys than girls.”

I can’t even tell you how excited he was when he heard that. In a celebratory tone he stated, “I have a crush on him too, then.” See, he’s still in that phase of thinking that girls have cooties and he can only be friends with other boys.

I so want him to stay in this stage for a long time, considering how quickly young people grow up these days and get involved in sexual relationships much too early (in my opinion).

But then again, if he’s going to learn about dating and what it means to respect, love and treat someone with affection, then I want to be the one to show him that. I want him to continue to ask me questions, because I know that he feels comfortable saying anything, (in front of anyone), no matter how much it embarrasses his mom.

Happy Healthy Hip Parenting
Peace Begins in the Home

Food & Relationships

I was talking to some of my single mom friends the other day about relationships over lunch. One of the women – who is a bit older and much wiser – started talking about how we tend to view relationships the same way in which we view food.

Now, I know this sounds crazy but bear with me. She had a good point, in that she tends to eat two big meals a day, starving herself in between and not snacking or thinking about food until her body’s ready to have a meltdown. Interestingly enough, her boyfriend lives out of state so she sees him every other weekend, spending time with him 24/7 for those few days before returning to her “normal life” and focusing on what needs to be done here before she’s able to see him again.

Others I know tend to dine only at fine restaurants, eat organic foods, never step foot inside a fast food restaurant, drink soda, or anything else unnatural. They know what they want – the finer things in life – and damn it, the men in their lives know it too!

Another friend of mine eats small snacky foods all day, healthy or not. She also likes to date many men at one time, not really ready to commit just yet to a full meal.

And then there’s me. Now, my eating habits change from time to time and this is also true of the relationships I have had. For a little while, I’ll be really healthy and eat foods that are good for me (dating men who bring out my strengths and respect me for who I am) while there have been other times in my life where my eating habits have been horrible. Times when I’d eat junk food and not take the best care of myself, and guess what? The men in my life at the time did not take care of  themselves, or me in many ways, either.

You can see how some of the above situations are not as good for us as others. We’re all different, thank goodness, and need different things, and people, in our lives. Sometimes we need to go through certain situations and meet specific individuals in order for us to truly learn and comprehend what it is we need to change about our behaviors, our routines and the patterns that we allow ourselves to fall into.

If you’re in a healthy relationship and are putting healthy foods into your body, chances are you make healthy choices in your relationships as well. Take a look at the way you eat to determine what changes you could make to ensure you are treating yourself to the best you deserve.

Happy eating!

Happy Healthy Hip Parenting
Peace Begins in the Home