What Makes Marla a Happy Healthy Hip Parent

Marla and I met through the Single Parents Connection on Facebook.

Marla has one daughter who is nine years old. Apparently, she has the energy of a few children but that just means she’s a truly amazing young woman.

I asked Marla to answer some questions about her daughter and her role as a mom. Here’s what she had to say which confirmed the fact that she, too, is a happy, healthy, hip parent.

What makes you happy, as a parent?

This is a difficult question. I love traveling, which is something I have not done much of without my daughter. Exploring new places always leaves me feeling content. That said, I currently enjoy quiet time – time to read, work on projects, or even nap. I enjoy spending time writing or talking with friends about something other than parenting (okay, parenting sometimes too!). Although I help out with my daughter’s ballet school, I have found that I do it for me as well as to support her. I enjoy working with the costumes, being around the other parents, and organizing the community outreach that we do.

What’s the healthiest thing about your relationship with your daughter?

My daughter and I enjoy a healthy relationship in many ways. We spend time together without distraction which allows us the ability to connect in silence or via communication. We travel together, exercise together, walk to and from school together… neither of us is defined by the other but we are partners in our desire to explore life and learn all that we can.

Kids say the cutest things. What is the funniest story you recall about your child?

This has to be one of the funniest stories though it is not one that I enjoyed too much at the time! A family friend arrived at my house one December to take my then three-year-old daughter and myself to the airport for our holiday trip. As I was upstairs gathering the last of our things, my daughter informs this man that “Mamma has big breasts!” He handled it so very well while I blushed brightly. Sure, it is the truth, but..

What was your proudest parenting moment?

I am proud of my daughter each time she takes her position in ballet or each time she steps on stage. She is doing what she loves and investing so much into it. I am proud of her as she jumps for joy when she sees that doing her best in something really makes a difference… and she shares this with friends. I am overwhelmed when she recognizes that her life is different and loves it for that difference over trying to be like everyone else; when she recognizes and appreciates what the difference gives to her. When she takes responsibility for her actions, lives passionately, is kind to others, and accepts that people are different and how wonderful that is.

What is your biggest parenting challenge?

My most significant challenge is two fold. For me it is that I don’t see well. When other parents can read to their kids or label objects, I can not. I am watching my daughter grow up, but it is not in the same vivid detail that other parents enjoy. It is a challenge at the worst of times and a gift at other times as I have learned to see her with my heart.

The other challenge comes with being a single parent. It is ensuring the line between child and parent exists. That line can become blurred as the relationship we enjoy sometimes seems more like a friendship. I think it is difficult for my daughter as I am everything from friend to parent to disciplinarian to nurturer.

What’s your favorite family-friendly restaurant?

There are places I will not take my daughter but most places… if I go, she goes. We try to go early to avoid the crowds. I don’t go to exclusive establishments often, so the idea has been to teach my child to eat in differing environments. It is much easier now that she is older! (Italian places have always been more friendly than most.)

What’s your favorite activity you enjoy with your child?

We spend lots of time outside exploring or exercising. Traveling and exploring are things we enjoy doing together. We also enjoy history and the arts – visiting the Kennedy Center as often as possible!

What advice would you give to new or expecting parents?

From the moment they cut the cord, your child is learning to fly. Cherish every moment; the challenges and the joys. Take the time to share your child’s life and remember that it is a life that is vastly different than your own. It is a wonderful feeling to watch a child develop into their own person, discover their passions and loves, and spread their wings!!

Who or where do you go to for parenting advice?

I usually don’t. I will talk to this and that friend or her father for input or as a sounding board, but I don’t really seek advice as much as I seek someone to listen.

How would your daughter describe you?

My daughter describes me as a “good mom,” the “best mom,” and even her friend. I give “the best cuddles” and she knows that “You support my dreams. That is one of your dreams.”

She said that I am tall and have brown hair – which is a physical description.

A few weeks ago I asked her to describe the ad she would write were she seeking a new mom (long story behind that question). She said that she wanted someone to love her and care for her. Someone who would have fun with her and keep her safe… and feed her spaghetti and take her to ballet. She wanted someone just like me.

And maybe that is how she would describe me. I do know that she doesn’t want me to change one little bit (though she tells me that I am not as funny as I think I am… but what parent is?)

Happy Healthy Hip Parenting
Peace Begins in the Home

Single Parents Connection on Facebook

I joined Facebook back in July, when I attended the Professional Publishing Course at Stanford University. My colleagues from different parts of the world insisted that I join and needless to say, it was a wise decision to finally participate in this networking site for adults.

Unlike MySpace (a circus in comparison), Facebook has clean pages and fun applications that let your contacts know a little more about you and allow you to customize your pages or upload photos, an RSS feed from your blog – or anyone else’s – and chat with those who you are networking with by adding them as a friend.
David, over at Dad’s House, invited me to join the Single Parents Connection group not that long ago. I was thrilled that he and Rachel – of Single Mom Seeking – put together this group of bloggers who all chat about life as a single parent.

If you’re a single parent, you won’t want to miss out on this opportunity to connect with others who know exactly what you’re going through.

Happy Healthy Hip Parenting
Peace Begins in the Home

When a Marriage Fails

David, over at Dad’s House, inspired this post since his statements – and the comments that followed – really struck a chord with me.

Calling a marriage a failure is damaging to our society. Imagine what it is like to be a child of divorced parents and hearing that statement (a failed marriage) throughout one’s life. No wonder they are more likely to experience divorce themselves.

Before I go into my own experience and thoughts on this, let me begin by explaining that my parents are married and have been together for over 35 years. They’ve had their difficult years and there was a time in my life where I actually wanted them to get a divorce. I felt (because I was 16 and knew so much about the world) that my mom should leave my dad and life would be peachy keen for everyone (a.k.a. me).

Obviously, I thank my lucky stars that they are still together since I see them now and realize how much I have learned from them and their relationship. No one walks into marriage without baggage and no one walks away from one without regret.

I love, love love, what David had to say about marriage and divorce:

Two people come together, fall in love, make each other complete. They try to get along and lead a happy life, but over time something changes and they can’t. They split and move on.

Is that failure? If they grew from the experience, it’s evolution. If being married forced that change, then maybe the marriage served its purpose and it’s a success.

Yep, I think growth and change is definitely an evolution and our society is not one to embrace such change, unfortunately. Change and growth are scary things to many people and it’s that fear that leads to talking about marriage as either a success or failure that is damaging.

If we succeed at something, doesn’t that typically mean we no longer have goals we are trying to reach? We’ve exceeded our expectations and we no longer have to put forth any effort? Um, no.

If one chooses to remain single (and never marries) does that mean they have failed as well? NO! Marriage should not be seen as something that we need to win or lose at (success vs. fail) but rather, an experience and a relationship that changes us (hopefully, for the better). There are certainly many experiences and relationships in one’s lifetime that also produce change and we would never label them as a failure or a success. Why do we put so much pressure on marriage?

My marriage ended over two years ago. My son was a result of that relationship and I would – if only because of him – have to say that our marriage was a success. I have no regrets (although I had plenty of guilt) and I have no doubt in my mind that my son will grow up to have a healthy self-esteem, parents that love him unconditionally, and an equal and fair chance at finding that one person to spend the rest of his life with as the rest of us.

Happy Healthy Hip Parenting
Peace Begins in the Home

You’re Invited to a Blogger Dinner Party!

The wise woman who blogs over at Barking Mad has come up with an amazing idea that she’s shared with the blogosphere. Actually, I learned about the event from following her on Twitter.

In order to participate, I must invite ten bloggers to a virtual dinner party that I will host. The rules are simple. I can invite only ten but any ten bloggers.

The ten bloggers I would like to invite are:

1. The Bloggess – Because she is truly the funniest fucking writer I know – or wish I knew – or “know” on line.
2. Guy Kawasaki – Because the first time I met him I didn’t get to ask him all the questions I would’ve liked to and plus, he is the manliest “guy” I know that still looks good in a pink hat and feathered boa.
3. Lena Chen – Because she doesn’t give a shit and we’d have a great deal to talk about…besides sex. Maybe.
4. Mignon Fogarty – Because she’s helping change the face of publishing having just authored a book inspired by her blog, Grammar Girl.
5. Pete Cashmore – Because he’s from Mashable and because I need to determine if he’s as hot in person as he appears in his profile pic.
6. No Minivan – Because like her, I’m a thirtysomething mom who is also a redhead (although mine is natural) and I also have a son (she has two boys). Unlike her, I grew up in the midwest and moved to SoCal and I LOVE my minivan.
7. Rebecca Woolf – Like Mignon Fogarty, she went from blog to book with her Girl Gone Child memoir.
8. Dana (aka Mamalogues) – Because she’s the *bravest* blogger that I know of.
9. Busy Dad – Because he has truly changed Friday & Saturday Nights with the creation of Weekend Blog Hoppers
10. David - Because his blog, Dad’s House, has truly changed the focus of my own.

This was not an easy list to compile but I’m thinking that the above company would truly make for a fabulous gathering of talented, humorous and interesting people who would inspire much laughter, arguments and perhaps tears – all for which would make an amazing blog post (or two).

Happy Healthy Hip Parenting
Peace Begins in the Home

First Date: How to Avoid Having it Be Your Last

Rules for a First Date:

1. Do not talk about your ex (girlfriend/boyfriend/spouse) in detail. The person you’re with wants to know about you, not about how your last relationship went sour.
   
2. Do not talk about your children. The person you’re with wants to know more about you, not about the adorable thing your son/daughter said this morning or how many kids you plan on having.
3. Do not talk about the relationship between you and your parents. The person you’re with wants to get to know you, and does not want to hear about how your parents discouraged you from pursuing your childhood dreams.
4. Do not talk about your pets. The person you’re with doesn’t want to hear about how you spend most of your time talking to your dog/cat/goldfish.
5. Do not talk about money. This is the first date and the person you’re with does not want to know that they make less money than you or that you spend more than you make.
   
6. Do not talk about marriage. The person you’re with is not ready to hear about how your first marriage went wrong. They also don’t want to hear about how you’ve sworn that you’d never make that same mistake again.
7. Do not talk about how long it’s been since you’ve had sex. If you are simply looking to hook up with someone, let’s be honest. This is not a date – it’s foreplay.
   
8. Do not talk about love at first sight. There will never be a second date if you go this route.
9. Do not talk about your religious beliefs or how you feel about abortion or the death penalty. These are conversations that are best left for second or third dates (if you get that far).
10. Do not listen to me. What do I know about dating or relationships? Every relationship I’ve ever been in has ended. If you have any real advice, please send it my way.

If you have first date horror stories, or laugh-out-loud details to share, post them in the comments, or over at Dad’s House. You may just win this great writing CONTEST.

Happy Healthy Hip Parenting
Peace Begins in the Home

Thoughts After Visiting Dad’s House

I’m a single, working mom, but I’m one of the lucky ones. My son’s father is equally involved and just as equally interested in his son’s education, etc.

When people hear that I’m a single mom, they typically say something like, “I don’t know how you do it on your own.” Well, let me be the first to tell you that there is no way in hell that I could’ve gotten this far on my own.

Even though my parents and extended family and friends are thousands of miles away, they’ve been an amazing support system for me. I’ve also created a wonderful commUNITY here in the last several years that is made up of dozens of moms and dads (single or otherwise). And yes, my former husband has been a big help, too.

When we got married, we both knew that we wanted children. In fact, we were so certain that we wanted a child that we got married to ensure that it would happen. You know, “First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes the baby in the baby carriage.”

After a few years together, we discovered that we are the best parents we can possibly be to our son when we’re not living together.

Over at Dad’s House, I would imagine that he’s just as involved in his children’s life as my former husband is. We are on a 2-3-2 schedule (if anyone is interested or knows what that even means) but Dad steps up and has our son during the times I’m gone on business (quite often).

When I started my company and began to narrow my focus on what I would be specializing in as a Certified Parent Educator, my first thought was wanting to work with single parents. That focus then changed to working with any and all parents since I want to help anyone who is willing to sit down and work on being a better mom or dad than they already are.

I can’t imagine having to be a full-time mom to my son without his dad in the picture. We’re not all in the same house any more, and it’s often times quite frustrating, but the three of us will always be a family. And family will always come first.

Happy Healthy Hip Parenting
Peace Begins in the Home

In Response…

Over at Dad’s House, there’s an interesting discussion that’s been catching the eye of many a blogger (single parents, especially). Here are my two cents:

1. Men are creepy. My male “friend” of over four years ended up confessing his feelings for me recently and I was TOTALLY creeped out since I had been sharing info about my life with him over the past several years (including details about my current relationship and how I feel towards the man in my life). ICK. I can never look at him the same way again.

2. A woman doesn’t want to hear that she’s attractive or sexy from just anyone (and if she does then she has issues). Most women only want to hear this from a guy she’s totally into or finds attractive and sexy too. But, the problem is, how does a guy know if he falls into this category or not?

3. The fact that most men admit to looking at women in a sexual way (regardless of the circumstances) should serve to elicit a strong reaction from all involved. It should also go without saying that men do need women (and vice versa).

4. David wrote: “For a woman to admit she needs a man reveals vulnerability.” David, it all depends on the circumstance or what she is really saying she needs. Perhaps she needs his attention. Perhaps she needs him to fulfill her fantasies in a physical way. Perhaps she needs him for a one night stand or a lifelong commitment. Perhaps she just needs to feel he wants her so she can turn around and reject him. Let’s not generalize here. And to MsSingleMama – I’m not referring to you in any of the above scenarios.

Let’s face it, women have been using the power of their sexuality for generations to get what they want or “need” and that isn’t about to change anytime soon. (I’m not saying I agree with this or that I myself do this but then again, I’m not saying that I don’t.) And for just as long, men have been trying to figure out ways to use that power against us.

I could go on but I’m afraid my blog isn’t just about relationships or sexuality. But I will end with this: I need the men in my life for different things and I believe admitting that only makes me stronger.

Men, women, single or in a relationship – what do you think? Obviously the convo caused a strong emotional reaction from those who’ve read and commented so far…

Happy Healthy Hip Parenting
Peace Begins in the Home