Everyone knows that Prince Charming doesn’t really exist, yet we’re still trained from an early age to believe a Knight in Shining Armour will come along and save the Princess, whether or not she’s in need of being rescued.
It’s hard, as a woman, not to have drilled into you the notion that no matter how objectively ordinary you may be, somehow you ‘deserve’ to be with the crème de la crème of male companionship.
Lori Gottlieb, author of the controversial book, Marry Him: The Case for Settling for Mr. Good Enough, shares a personal story of how she learned (the hard way) that finding Mr. Right might not be the best plan, after all, when looking for a life partner.
I’m not asking you to settle, I’m asking you to broaden your fantasies.
Through interviews with relationship experts, matchmakers, those looking for love and the successful ones who are now happily married, Lori makes some eye-opening discoveries about the culture of dating, what it takes to create a successful marriage and how expectations that many females hold are impossible for men to live up to.
To us, feminism meant we had ‘freedom’ and ‘choice’ in all aspects of our lives. We could pursue professional careers, take time to ‘find ourselves’ before getting married, decide not to get married at all, and have our sexual needs met whenever we felt like it. The fact that we didn’t need a man to have a fulfilling life felt empowering…Empowerment somehow became synonymous with having impossible standards and disregarding the fact that in real life, you can’t get everything you want, when you want it, on your terms only.
After diving back into the dating scene in my early thirties, post-divorce and with a small child, I realized how unlikely it would be for me to find someone, especially someone who would have everything I was looking for. Reading Lori’s book made me laugh at the dating adventures I experienced along the way and ever-so-grateful for the man I now call Mr. Right.
The older you get, the more complicated dating becomes, and no amount of attitude adjustment can turn back the clock and change those realities.
Looking back at the dating process I went through, from trying to get past the profile pictures to finally understanding my own needs, I realize that Marry Him, is a book I wish I had read in my twenties and that I know women in their thirties (and beyond) will relate to.
This isn’t supposed to make you feel crummy. It’s supposed to be eye-opening. Not thinking you’re above it all makes you more self-aware, and self-awareness leads to better decision. It puts you in a better position to get what you want.
What you want also changes as you get older, but Lori says it best: “What matters is finding the perfect partner, not the perfect person.”
If you’re looking for the perfect partner, or if you found him but may have let him go, this is the book you need to help you gain perspective on which path to go down next, whether you take that journey alone, or with the man you thought would never come along.
Happy Healthy Hip Parenting
Peace Begins in the Home
Posted by mamacandtheboys on April 2, 2010 at 3:46 am
I didn’t know about this book–but read the article versions many times last year! Great points that you both make. Thanks for sharing this.
Posted by TS on April 2, 2010 at 7:53 am
If somebody said they were settling for me I wouldn’t want them. The person you end up with may not be somebody esle’s description of “Mr. Right” but he should be your description of it. Not just saying, “hey, nothing better is going to come along so you’ll do.” That’s insulting on every level.
Posted by Christina Rodriguez on April 7, 2010 at 3:14 pm
I’d read an article about this earlier and really thought the author was onto something. She has a great point to stop looking for “Mr. Right” and start looking for “Mr. Right for You.”
Posted by 2010 Portfolio | Happy Healthy Hip Parenting on April 4, 2011 at 8:13 am
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