Archive for March, 2010

Run Like a Mother

The author tour for Run Like a Mother wouldn’t be complete without an accompanying race, which means if these writers are coming to your neighborhood, you’d better start training so you can try to keep up!

Dimity McDowell and Sarah Bowen Shea, co-authors of Run Like A Mother: How To Get Moving – And Not Lose Your Family, Job, or Sanity kicked off their book tour at Bookpeople in Austin, Texas Friday evening, followed by their running a half-marathon race the following day through the Texas countryside.

Over the next four months, the Dimity and Sarah will both (together and separately) travel around the country, reading or signing at bookstores in 15 cities, with more events added as summer approaches. Each bookstore reading will be followed by a 5K “fun run” through that city, with winners receiving small prizes, such as t-shirts.

Next week, they’ll be in Oregon, Washington, and New Mexico before heading East. Check out the full tour dates so you don’t miss them as they run by or through your city!

Run Like a Mother was written by and for busy women who strive to balance running with their career and family life.

Happy Healthy Hip Parenting
Peace Begins in the Home

Saying, “I’m Sorry,” Just Doesn’t Cut It

When I moved to my new place a few months ago, I was excited that there was a Vons (grocery store) less than a mile away.  Even thought it’s just my son and I in our small apartment, I pick up groceries a few days a week. One of the things we replace often is milk. We have  cereal in the morning and I sometimes put it in my coffee or use it when cooking certain things.

We buy soy milk because my son has eczema that flares up when he has too much cow’s milk. We’ve gotten used to picking up the red box of Silk Soy Milk that is not in the refrigerated section of the store.

Just this morning, I made my last trip to Vons. It was the third time, in the last two months, that I’ve had to speak to the manager about expired (as in over six months) boxes on the shelves. It was the third time that I heard a simple, “I’m so sorry about that,” as he walk edaway, leaving me to walk out of the store, disappointed.

The first time I picked up a box of Soy milk from their store, I didn’t bother looking at the expiration date. It had never been an issue in the past. We stopped at the store on our way home from school one afternoon and didn’t get a chance to open it until the next morning.

I was just about ready to pour a tiny bit into my coffee the next day when I realized that the milk was black (with mold) as I nearly lost my dinner from the night before as I looked inside the carton.

Without changing out of my pajamas, or even bothering to see what I looked like in the mirror, I explained rather quickly to my son why we needed to get in the car and bring back the milk. The manager saw me coming (as did everyone in line at the store). I handed him the expired, moldy milk and asked him why there were expired cartons on the shelf.

He quickly walked away, leaving me stand there with my son while he fished another box off the shelf. He politely apologized and explained that this one was going to be, “Free.” Gee, thanks.

Of course after that I began to look at the expiration date on just about everything I bought. Sure enough, on my next trip to the same store, I had to pull four expired Silk containers from the shelf before I found one that was fresh. I spoke to the manager again on this second trip.

Apparently, nothing had been done about it since I had the same experience just this morning. I bought a different brand (Almond milk, this time) and found the manager that I spoke with previously.

Simply noting my frustration, I reminded him of my first (and second) experience and mentioned how disappointed I was that there was still expired milk on the shelf. Without saying anything about what he would do to change it or how he would make it up to me, personally, he said, “I’m sorry about that,” and walked away, I assume toward the shelf in question.

Working with businesses and retailers online has caused me to have much higher expectations for the customer service I demand, or believe I deserve. Not once did this manager ask my name, take action (that I was able to see) or choose to follow up with me after my complaints. And yet, I don’t think that this would be considered a complaint. After all, we should all demand that only the freshest of products be provided in the stores we patronize, right?

Don’t we expect the best and most appropriate behavior from others (especially our kids) as well? In working with clients, I explain that asking children to say they’re sorry to someone (whether it’s another child or an adult) doesn’t really teach them anything. It’s our actions that truly convey whether or not we understand the better choice or the more appropriate thing to say or do in the future.

Young children especially don’t understand the concept of an apology but do comprehend when someone does something to make it up to them or action has taken to right the wrong.

Saying, ‘I’m sorry,’ just doesn’t cut it in many situations. How many of us have heard someone apologize only to see them continue to make the same choices? Actions do speak louder than words and inaction speaks volumes.

When I apologize to someone, I take action. I make a change, try to do better.

Is that too much to ask?

Happy Healthy Hip Parenting
Peace Begins in the Home

Dining Details Challenges You to Start a Food Revolution in your Kitchen

Change is good. Change is necessary. Change is not easy.

Last week, several San Diego bloggers whom I call friends, gathered around Theresa‘s kitchen table and watched as Chef Mom Julie Frans of Dining Details cooked five amazing meals for us and explained how certain ingredients should be cut from our diets in order to improve our overall health. She provided us with a great deal of information that I am still trying to digest.

While I enjoyed everything she created in the kitchen and loved the tastes and smells of the foods on my plate, I still left that night feeling a bit overwhelmed.

I don’t call myself a cook and since my ‘healthy meals’ usually take place at restaurants or consist of prepared foods from Trader Joe’s that I can heat up and enjoy, there is definitely a lot more for me to learn.

From Julie’s suggestions, I added Almond Milk, lentils and Sea Salt to my shopping cart this week, along with the organic chicken and fruits & veggies that I normally pick up.

I definitely want to learn more about what Julie mentioned about creating a diet that is the perfect pH balance. Switching from table salt (that contains bleach and other chemicals) to sea salt was an easy step to make and knowing which foods to avoid is always a great reminder (corn syrup, hydrogenated oils, processed foods, MSG, artificial sweeteners, colors & flavors, margarine/butter substitutes).

Baby steps. I’ve made some small changes this week and I’m studying the recipes found on the Dining Details website to determine which menu I’ll prepare for Mr. Right next time he’s here. He’s a foodie and a great cook so perhaps I’ll have him select a recipe to cook for with me. These recipes are sounding pretty amazing right about now (and I’m not even hungry):

I could always use Dining Details to prepare a Romantic Dinner for Two if I end up being too intimidated by the idea of cooking a gourmet meal on my own.

For those of you who are not in San Diego and still want to enjoy the amazing foods Julie and her staff create, I highly recommend the recipe section of the Dining Details website. The categories in the recipe section include Kid-Friendly Cooking, Something Sweet, Sauces/Dressings/Salsas, Soups/Salads, Hors D Hoerves, and Gluten Free recipes.

In addition to the wonderful resources they provide, Dining Details also provides personal chef services and caters small, intimate dinners for couples or for weddings and corporate events. They also host cooking demonstrations, in their kitchen or your own.

Chickpeas, their school lunch program, provides family dinners, baby food and educates parents and caregivers on healthy cooking.

If you have seen commercials for Jamie Oliver’s Food Revolution (premiering this Friday on ABC), you’ll understand the need to start teaching your children, from a young age, the importance of healthy eating, nutritional choices that will help extend their life and why these subtle changes need to take place. Now.

Dining Details is owned by a local couple here in San Diego. They will be welcoming their second child later this year. Become a Fan of Dining Details Facebook, or follow Julie or Robbie on Twitter.

Happy Healthy Hip Parenting
Peace Begins in the Home

Spring Sweepstakes from Everything Mom

Everything Mom is a website that offers exactly what you would think, a little bit of everything for today’s mom.  Their Spring Sweepstakes is going on now and will appeal to anyone who dreams BIG (that’s you, right?).

With two top prize packages worth a total of over $6,500, you’ll definitely want to head over and find out what it takes (three simple steps) to enter this amazing giveaway.

One lucky (Canadian) winner will get a Kitchen Appliance Makeover thanks to T-fal. U.S. residents are eligible to win a week’s stay (2 adults, 2 children) at Grand Velas All Suites & Spa Resort in Puerto Vallarta. Visit the Everything Mom Spring Sweepstakes’ page to read more about this winner of the Condé Nast “Most Excellent Spa Hotel” award 2009 and Trip Advisor Traveler’s Choice award for “Best Luxury Hotel in the World.”

Contest ends April 4th so what are you waiting for? Head on over to Everything Mom to learn more about these great prizes and how you can win!

Happy Healthy Hip Parenting
Peace Begins in the Home

Why Taking Care of Your Relationship is Just as Important as Taking Care of Your Car

A lot of things in life turn into bigger problems because we choose to ignore the smaller ones. I see this all the time with clients, many of whom come to me when a situation at home (either with their kids or with their partner) is out of control and they’re on the verge of running away. Some already have, emotionally, and wish so badly they had done something, or sought me out earlier.

Many relationships (I’ll use marriages as an example, even though it could apply to other partnerships) start following a pattern that much resembles the path of a roller coaster. Up, down, exciting, uncomfortable, you’re on a high for a while before things start going downhill…you get the picture.

How does this relate to car car? My ‘Check Engine’ light came on in my car a few weeks ago. For some reason, I ignored it. Most people have a little sticker on their windshield that reminds them of when their next oil change is due. I ignored that too.

We have several warning signs that alert us when our car needs to be repaired. These warning signs are necessary and helpful so that we can avoid mechanical breakdown from occurring. No one wants to be stranded on the side of the road.

If you’re married or in a committed relationship, how often do you tell yourself (or your partner) that you’ll schedule a date night soon but then something gets in the way of your plans and you postpone spending that quality (and much needed) alone time with your significant other?

I hear these excuses most of the time: There’s no money for a babysitter, one of the kids got sick, our weekends are  set aside for family time or, we really don’t have any shared interests anymore.

Most of you would do something about the noise coming from your engine or take your car in (and taking time out from your busy schedule) to get the oil changed before the date or mileage posted on the reminder sticker passes by. How many of us avoid the warning signs when we, or our relationships, are out of balance?

You and your partner need quality time, alone, together, without the kids, whether or not the activity you choose costs money. I tell couples to take it slow at first. Start with a walk around the block, hold hands if you’re daring or take in a movie (you don’t have to talk to one another, I promise). You also need time to yourself. Take a bubble bath or spend a night on the patio reading a book or making a phone call to someone you haven’t chatted with in a while.

It’s a bit of a challenge to work with couples who have lost that spark, have forgotten what it’s  like to feel adored, or have neglected their relationship for so long that they contemplate divorce. There are certain situations where I can see that the couple would be better off separating, but more often than not, a simple 10,000 mile check-up would do the trick.

I pulled into the gas station near my son’s school earlier this week because I do pay attention to the gas light…One of the guys from the auto shop walked toward my car. He pointed at the hood of my car and said, “It sounds like you need oil.”

Embarrassed, I said, “Yes, I do,” and glanced up at the reminder sticker that showed a number that my car had passed over 3,000 miles ago. “I heard you pull in,” he continued to say as he lifted up the hood. He proceeded to pour two full quarts of oil into my car’s engine as I tried not to think about what damage could have occurred had he not said anything, or had I not pulled in to that particular gas station (one that I had never been to before).

I think I need to go back and give him a Thank-You gift, now that I think about it. He saved me a lot of money in car repairs that would’ve needed to be done had I continued to ignore the ‘Check Engine’ light.

An oil change takes around fifteen minutes or so, plus driving time to and from the shop. How long will you spend this week on strengthening the relationships in your life?

Happy Healthy Hip Parenting
Peace Begins in the Home

Will You Marry Me?

Is there a record somewhere of how many times this question has been asked? And how does one translate this in other languages? I am curious to learn more about formal proposals in other cultures. I need to do some research…

If you’re married or engaged, how did he propose? Do you know any females who proposed, and if you’re in a same-sex relationship, how does one determine who does the asking? Is there a certain amount of time that one must wait before popping the question?

There are so many questions that are raised when I think about marriage and how one goes from being someone’s boyfriend or girlfriend too being an engaged couple, which is why National Proposal Day has me so perplexed. I mean, what’s the point, really? Who came up with this idea and why should we encourage people to propose on the same day, along with every other couple considering a lifelong commitment? Doesn’t that take all the romance out of it?

Then again, who wants to be surprised with the question? Isn’t marriage – and the future – something that a couple normally talks about so that there are no surprises?

All of these questions are indeed coming from me, a single yet committed woman who has previously been married. Who’s to say that never-before-married adults don’t have more questions about this ultimate contract?

Someone I know recently got engaged. She mentioned that her and her boyfriend (now fiance) hadn’t talked about marriage before he proposed and was completely caught off guard when he presented her with the ring.

Call me crazy, but this struck me as rather odd. How does one have an 18-month relationship (in their thirties) and not bring up marriage, or the future? Perhaps I misunderstood, but I’m hoping that their lack of communication around this topic only means that it was such a natural progression for the two of them that they didn’t think twice about discussing it.

National Proposal Day. I don’t think Hallmark will be able to take advantage, but the engagement ring stores will no doubt be marketing this one, don’t you think?

If you’re looking for great proposal ideas, I highly recommend the Robbins Brothers’ YouTube channel, where they highlight some pretty spectacular engagement stories.

And if you’re thinking about asking her or him to marry you, please make sure you send me an invitation. I love weddings.

Happy Healthy Hip Parenting
Peace Begins in the Home

You Deserve a Treat

I share a lot of personal stories with my clients when they have me all to themselves. This one usually gets a strong response from parents.

A few years ago, when I was working full-time, my son and I would go to the grocery store on Saturday mornings. It was the first thing I’d want to do when I woke up since there was a coffee shop located inside the store and I would get cranky if I didn’t get my morning Starbucks that I was used to having during the week. The office where I worked was right across the street from Starbucks, so Monday through Friday, I would enjoy a mocha or latte, whatever my preference was each day. I didn’t think anything of it.

Saturday mornings would come and my body was trained to crave, and expect, Starbucks. The first thing I would do when we stepped inside the store, after getting him in the shopping cart, was head to the counter to order my drink.

After several months of this same routine, he surprised me one morning by asking if he could get a toy while we were there. I reacted like many parents would. I said, “No, not today,” but his response to that hit me hard.

He looked at me, watched as I took a sip my coffee and said (in a tone that I could not believe was coming from a 4-year-old boy), “But you get a treat every time!”

Wow. He was absolutely right. Here I was, “rewarding” myself every single time we stepped into the grocery store with a sugary, caffeinated “treat” while he sat there and watched me enjoy it. He finally put two and two together and asked, very politely, if he could have a little something too.

That conversation changed my outlook on many things in my life, how I took for granted the luxuries that I afforded myself and what my son was picking up from the simple actions he was witness to.

It forced me to re-evaluate the messages I was sending to him about money, what we could afford, realistically, and what I was telling him he deserved, based on the treats that I felt I deserved. It made me redefine what “deserve” even meant, for myself, for him, and for others in my life.

Our kids deserve a healthy model for spending money and an appreciation for the things we have or are given. They need to be told, “No,” every once in a while, but if we continue to say, “No,” on a regular basis, they’ll eventually stop asking for what they want, thinking that they don’t deserve it.

I don’t say, “Yes,” to him every time he asks for something, but I do spend more time saying, “No,” to myself, evaluating my wants versus my needs and establishing a baseline for my spending habits  (which are much easier to control now that I have a strict budget to adhere to since losing my job last year).

My son has taught me so much in these last six years that it’s hard to believe that I’m the adult sometimes. I have changed so much since becoming a parent, doing things differently, taking my time when making decisions and thinking about the long-term consequences in regards to situations that may affect my son or our relationship.

I put my son’s best interests before mine at times, which is what makes this whole parenting thing so challenging. We all make sacrifices and do or say things that we might not have done or said before having a child, but this adventure allows us to evolve as individuals and inspires us to do better.

We all deserve that.

Happy Healthy Hip Parenting
Peace Begins in the Home

Dear Mom and Dad, I Forgive You

Today is National Forgive Your Parents Day. I admit, it’s one that I had not heard of until this year but it struck me as being a rather important event in many people’s lives.

Becoming a parent and seeing my son develop and go through different stages in our process of forming our parent & child bond has made me all the more aware of the ways in which my parents parented and what I plan on doing differently with my son.

Let’s face it, every generation does things differently. We communicate differently, we educate differently and we parent differently. Hopefully, we can learn from past generations about what changes we can make in our homes so that we can build a stronger relationship with our children and not have them cringe when they think about us as become adults and we become the in-laws.

One of the first things I do when I take on a new client is have them fill out a questionnaire with several questions about their childhood, their parents and their emotions surrounding the relationship they currently have with their mom, dad, and even their siblings.

For many people, this is a simple exercise. For others, it’s painful and challenging, but no matter what answers are presented on paper, the more important thing these individuals take away from the experience, is their awareness and their need to forgive their parents, regardless of whether or not they sit down and have a conversation with them.

Some adults don’t end up truly forgiving their parents until after they’ve passed away. Others go through a phase where they don’t communicate with them at all and connect with them after one of them reaches out and asks to be forgiven.

I recommend this – write a letter to your parents, either addressing both mom and dad together or separately, and say all the things you might not be able to say to them directly. You don’t have to send the letter, or hit send if you’re drafting an email, but sit with it a while. Come back to it days later, weeks later, months sometimes, depending on how connected you are with them.

Some might actually decide later on that this is the type of letter that needs to be sent. Good for you. If you have a relationship with your parents where forgiveness doesn’t seem like something that needs to be addressed, then take a look at the relationship you have with your children. Is this a letter that you think they’ll write to you someday? Start now by changing what needs to be fixed, enhancing what has sometimes been ignored, or reach out more often to a child who has started to push you away.

Forgiveness is essential to living a healthy life. Forgiving yourself, those around you and allowing the past to remain where it belongs is a necessary ingredient to move forward gracefully.

Dear Mom and Dad, I Forgive You.

Happy Healthy Hip Parenting
Peace Begins in the Home

Beautiful Blogger Award

Jennifer Kolari, child & family therapist and author of Connected Parenting passed on the Beautiful Blogger Award to me earlier today. It seems to be a month of fame & recognition for me but this award is different, in that I also get to pass it on to 7 bloggers who I feel deserve the same recognition.

First, I need to share 7 things about Happy Healthy Hip Parenting that you might not know. Here goes:

  1. I am a Certified Parent Educator through the International Network for Children and Families.
  2. I teach a 5-week course on Redirecting Children’s Behavior.
  3. I teach one hour workshops covering topics on Sibling Rivalry, The Terrific Twos, and Couple’s Communication. I am available to speak at your school or for your Mom’s group.
  4. I specialize in courses on Co-Parenting that are approved through the San Diego Court system.
  5. I can help you discover your Maximum Attraction or provide you with a Couple Compatibility report using The Ultimate Life Tool.
  6. I write online as the San Diego Parenting Examiner.
  7. You can find me at Parental Wisdom as one of the Advisor Experts.

And now, for the 7 blogger who I am passing on the Beautiful Blogger Award to:

  1. Not Your Average Single Mama – She’s at the top of my list because she doesn’t hold back, and is stronger than I could ever hope to be.
  2. Single Mom Survives - She cracks me up. Daily. She’s sassy and sweet, a great combination for any writer.
  3. Alaina (aka Ms. Single Mama) – Even though she has decided to stop blogging recently, her stories and her site will be around for a while. Please send her some comment love.
  4. Melysa of Mely Speaks – Her story is real and she’s not afraid to laugh at herself. We could all use a little Mely in our lives.
  5. Dr. Leah and Rachel Sarah of Single Mommyhood – Together, these two women have created a great site that offers support to single moms and those who love them.
  6. Jessica of Bern This – Who needs TV when you can watch the awesome and hilarious videos in her web series? Trust me, you won’t be disappointed.
  7. Kristin of Halfway to Normal – Kristin is a true writer, in every sense of the word. She makes readers think, discusses controversial subjects intelligently, offering a great debate on issues surrounding religion, marriage and raising three young women in our culture today.

This was not an easy list to compile. I follow so many single moms and dads, even, but this list is filled with the women who I find inspiring on many levels and whom I chat with outside of commenting on their blogs. They’re great, beautiful, strong women and I know that no matter what adventures they write about, I will be entertained, amazed and enriched.

Pass on the love, now ladies, by coming up with your own list of Beautiful Bloggers to share this award with.

Happy Healthy Hip Parenting
Peace Begins in the Home

No One Wins in a Custody Battle

Just when I think things are going smoothly and issues with my ex-husband are a thing of the past, he has to remind me why we’re no longer together by doing something as selfish as planning his vacation with our son over a weekend that my son was to be with me.

Not only that, but our son will be missing a day of school instead of planning his trip over Spring Break (our son has off from school for over a week) so that, instead,  he can get back at me for some past hurt he’s obviously still feeling.

I read headlines from time to time that say something like, “Father Wins Custody Battle,” which is a complete oxymoron in my book. No one wins in these situations and those that lose the most are the children involved.

We modified our custody arrangement earlier this year and for some reason, I doubted my initial reaction to the wording his lawyer added which allow us both (equally) to have an additional two weeks of vacation throughout each calendar year (a total of 14 days) where we can take our son anywhere, at anytime, so long as we give the other parent a 30-day notice.

According to the vacation plans that my ex has put in place, our son will be with him 4 weekends in a row. All I have to say is that I would never even think about planning a trip over his weekend, nor would I take our son somewhere over his father’s birthday or have him miss school due to a personal vacation. But that’s just me.

Rational thought get thrown out the window when my ex-husband sends me immature text messages (which I  responded to in equal fashion), justifying his actions because years ago (when he had the right to prevent us from going) gave us permission to visit my family out of state over Father’s Day weekend.

Yes, I see how that might upset him and yet, I prefer to leave the past where it belongs. I’m not revengeful, nor do I keep track. I can honestly say that I forgive and forget. He, on the other hand, has vowed to keep track and apparently, he’s using our son to get his revenge.

Just this morning, my son mentioned to me that he misses me when he’s with his dad for “too long,” and vice versa. I get it. I miss him too when he’s with his dad for four days and I know he misses his dad when he’s with me over the long weekend.

Could I be cruel and plan our next trip together over a weekend he’s to be with his dad? Sure. It’s only fair, right?

Happy Healthy Hip Parenting
Peace Begins in the Home

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