What it Takes to be a Good Parent

“Children from families with high expectations and values tend to find each other, have good marriages and continue to produce quality children despite what the environmental influences may be.”

This is a statement made by Dr. Val Farmer before he outlines his ideas behind what it takes to be a good parent in today’s culture.

While I question Dr. Farmer’s definition of “quality children” (vs. non-quality children?), I do agree with many of his suggested ingredients for successful parenting. Below is my edited version of his list:

1. Be a good example.

2. Be attentive to each child’s needs.

3. Accept and respect each child as individuals. Help them become responsible in their decision making. Respect their basic dignity as developing human beings with minds and lives of their own.

4. Know your values and pass on those values while children are young. 

5. Bond your children to those who share similar values and beliefs. Involvement in community will be of great support to family life.

6. Be consistent, firm and fair in your discipline. Teach responsibility and the work ethic through family duties. 

7. Minimize conflict and criticism within the family. 

8. Accept and tolerate individual preferences while focusing attention on important values and principles.

9. Teach them to respect your authority as well as outside authority.

10. Teach them to show kindness, appreciation and tolerance for others from different races, religions and in all walks of life. Help them learn to give service to others and the community.

11. Help them develop a joy of reading and learning. 

12. Have fun in the family. Create memories. Do things together that are special and different. Celebrate birthdays, holidays and special days with gusto and enthusiasm. Work and play together. Use those moments to love, teach and cherish them.

13. Provide gentle guidance and opportunities for your children to meet and develop friendships. Friendships are laboratories for learning about morality and the give-and-take in relationships.

14. Help them develop their talents and abilities. Their sense of self will grow as they explore their likes and dislikes and take pleasure in their accomplishments. Attend and support their activities. School success and extra-curricular activities build self-worth.

15. Have family meals together – it is important. The food and family interaction nurtures more than the body. It is a time of sharing and bonding.

16. Love them and encourage them.

Happy Healthy Hip Parenting
Peace Begins in the Home

Mama for Obama

I know you all heard it. I know you are all still pumped from the energy surrounding the DNC and that’s exactly why I want to share with you some of my favorite excerpts from Obama’s acceptance speech.

And, for those Mamas out there who would like to use this lovely badge that I created, please link it back to this post and kindly give me credit for the creation of it:

Sen. Barack Obama:

...[the] promise that has always set this country

apart, that through hard work and sacrifice, each

of us can pursue our individual dreams but still

come together as one American family, to ensure

that the next generation can pursue their dreams

as well.

America, we are better than these last eight years.

We are a better country than this. And we are

here because we love our country too much to

let the next four years look like the last eight.

On November 4, we must stand up and say:

“Eight is enough.”

Our government should work for us, not against

us. It should help us, not hurt us. It should ensure

opportunity, not just for those with the most

money and influence, but for every American

who’s willing to work.

and I’m glad he was able to experience Obama’s presence and hear the powerful message he shared.

Senator Barack Obama, you’ve got this mama’s vote.

Happy Healthy Hip Parenting
Peace Begins in the Home

Five Percent

In every relationship, we should keep in mind that each of us needs to give 110%, that way there is no question of someone not doing their part or pitching in. It’s never going to be an equal balance of give and take so even better advice is to not keep track at all. Simply give and you will receive (just as many others from history have said).

If you are looking for ways to give more, keep in mind the 5% rule, suggested by Neil Rosenthal, and based on his experience as a marriage and family therapist:

“…Make sure you hold yourself accountable for doing what you say — consistently — over time. Saying or thinking it isn’t enough. You must do it and then continue doing it. That’s what a happy, healthy, committed love relationship requires of all of us. And it sure beats being in a marriage counselor’s office being guided by someone else to do it.”

Neil Rosenthal is a licensed marriage and family therapist in Denver and Boulder, specializing in strengthening intimate relationships.

Happy Healthy Hip Parenting
Peace Begins in the Home

Custody Battles

I love reading about custody schedules that work for everyone involved. I adore families who get along for the sake of their children and appreciate stories of divorced couples who remain friends.

Let’s face it, though, this is not always the case and for every story that includes a happy ending, there are those that are sadly dysfunctional and even harmful.

My situation is no exception. When my husband filed for a divorce in 2006, I was mad. I was angry, hurt, confused, depressed, guilty, and pretty much in denial until he moved out two months later. It was a long two months. I don’t think I slept at all during that time, nor did I have a pleasant word to say to or about him.

Needless to say, I’ve learned to put my feelings aside to focus on the needs of our son. It certainly hasn’t been easy and we battled it out in court for quite some time since I tried to seek the court’s approval to move – with my son – back to Minnesota where my family lives, and where I grew up.

I wanted to raise my son near family; my sister’s family and my parents ,in particular. The fact that my ex-husband’s family lives on the East Coast played a major role in my decision as well since I argued that we’d be closer to them once we moved. I had fully anticipated that the court would grant this request and that my husband would eventually get over his feelings so we could focus on the needs of our son.

I was not expecting the court to deny my request but they – at that time – felt that my son was too young to be “taken away” from his father. Those were the words my ex used to describe what I was trying to do. He felt that I was trying to deny his right to be in our son’s life and was upset with me for trying to take our son away from him.

Last week, I was in Minnesota, without my son. It was hard for me – extremely difficult – to think about what life would be like if my son and I lived there. He would be able to grow up with his cousins (dozens of them) and run around outside and, most likely, I would be able to buy a house with a yard and provide him with a childhood filled with happy memories like I have from growing up there.

The judge did mention that I could come back to court when our son was older to make this request again – to move to Minnesota – away from his father. I think about this every day and have even questioned whether or not I could move to Minnesota on my own and leave my son behind. I come to the same conclusion every time.

You can imagine how difficult it would be for me to live somewhere without my son. What he is “missing out on” is only in my mind since he knows nothing other than California as home and his mom and dad as family.

As he gets older, I have a feeling he will want to be with his father more often which is understandable. I am much closer to my mom and have been since I was young – another reason why it’s so hard to live thousands of miles away.

My sister and I spent last week together with her two young boys. I miss them all. My friends and family mean the world to me and it’s a difficult decision I’ve made to live here until my son is old enough to understand my desire to be closer to the rest of my family. That doesn’t make it any easier but it does provide me with more reason to share with my loved ones just how much they mean to me, no matter where I call home.

Happy Healthy Hip Parenting
Peace Begins in the Home

Weekly Parenting News

This week’s edition of Parenting News You Can Use is now available! This week, find articles and insights on the following:

• Byron Katie on Oprah’s Soul Series
• Backpack Safety
• Getting Boys to Read
• There is More In You than You Know
• Is Reading On line Really Reading?
• A Bug’s Life is Still Hopping 10 Years Later
• Coping with a Spouse’s Negative Attitude
• Green Tip: The Impact of Body Care Products

If you would like to subscribe to the weekly edition of Parenting News You Can Use, please send me your email address so I can be sure to have the newsletter delivered directly to your INBOX. You can also find the latest edition on line.

Happy Healthy Hip Parenting
Peace Begins in the Home

Fathers, Husbands, & Men

Tyler from Building Camelot put together many amazing lists of blogs and specific posts that might appeal to men, whether they are married, have children or otherwise.

Since I’m into reading blogs by dads and appreciate the male perspective on relationships, I’m including a link back to Tyler’s posts where the lists can be found:

• 101 Awesome Sites for Men, Husbands, & Fathers
• 55 MORE Awesome Sites for Guys, Husbands, & Dads

What am I missing? Comment here if you think I’m missing out on a great discussion or blog written from the male point-of-view.

Happy Healthy Hip Parenting
Peace Begins in the Home

When a Marriage Fails

David, over at Dad’s House, inspired this post since his statements – and the comments that followed – really struck a chord with me.

Calling a marriage a failure is damaging to our society. Imagine what it is like to be a child of divorced parents and hearing that statement (a failed marriage) throughout one’s life. No wonder they are more likely to experience divorce themselves.

Before I go into my own experience and thoughts on this, let me begin by explaining that my parents are married and have been together for over 35 years. They’ve had their difficult years and there was a time in my life where I actually wanted them to get a divorce. I felt (because I was 16 and knew so much about the world) that my mom should leave my dad and life would be peachy keen for everyone (a.k.a. me).

Obviously, I thank my lucky stars that they are still together since I see them now and realize how much I have learned from them and their relationship. No one walks into marriage without baggage and no one walks away from one without regret.

I love, love love, what David had to say about marriage and divorce:

Two people come together, fall in love, make each other complete. They try to get along and lead a happy life, but over time something changes and they can’t. They split and move on.

Is that failure? If they grew from the experience, it’s evolution. If being married forced that change, then maybe the marriage served its purpose and it’s a success.

Yep, I think growth and change is definitely an evolution and our society is not one to embrace such change, unfortunately. Change and growth are scary things to many people and it’s that fear that leads to talking about marriage as either a success or failure that is damaging.

If we succeed at something, doesn’t that typically mean we no longer have goals we are trying to reach? We’ve exceeded our expectations and we no longer have to put forth any effort? Um, no.

If one chooses to remain single (and never marries) does that mean they have failed as well? NO! Marriage should not be seen as something that we need to win or lose at (success vs. fail) but rather, an experience and a relationship that changes us (hopefully, for the better). There are certainly many experiences and relationships in one’s lifetime that also produce change and we would never label them as a failure or a success. Why do we put so much pressure on marriage?

My marriage ended over two years ago. My son was a result of that relationship and I would – if only because of him – have to say that our marriage was a success. I have no regrets (although I had plenty of guilt) and I have no doubt in my mind that my son will grow up to have a healthy self-esteem, parents that love him unconditionally, and an equal and fair chance at finding that one person to spend the rest of his life with as the rest of us.

Happy Healthy Hip Parenting
Peace Begins in the Home

10 Things Men Wish Women Would Know

I have been shopping around (so to speak) for relationship advice lately as many people I know have been coming to me (for who knows what reason) to ask me for my thoughts and insight on marriage and the future of love and intimacy as I know it.

Alright, so my suggestions usually fall along the lines of, “Here’s What NOT To Do,” based on my personal experience with a failed marriage and several failed relationships before and afterwards.

Facebook, Twitter and other social networking sites have introduced me to may blog, including the lylah blog. Even though this post is from last year, there are relevant ideas here for any relationship (not just marriage). 

I need to preface this by saying that I am not a religious person. Even though I grew up Catholic and spent the majority of my education at Catholic schools, I don’t pray or attend church (unless there’s a wedding, baptism or funeral to attend) but I do consider myself a spiritual person.

The reason why I bring this up is that I want to tell you about my experience with the Bible. I read many stories from the Bible growing up and got many things from it. I believe that there are many great lessons to be learned within the pages, whether or not one believes in the stories from a faith point-of-view or, as in my experience, if you enjoy quotes and the power of language.

Let’s face it. The Bible is well-written and well-edited. With my publishing background and love of literature, I look at the Bible much differently as an adult. There are passages and stories written by different people in this collection, and you would be hard-pressed to find one that is not a good storyteller.

I’m getting off track here. What I do want to say though, before I continue with the point of this post, is that I read the Bible as I would any other book. I read between the lines, I disregard some parts of it while re-read others.

The biblical quotes that are included in this list from the lylah blog are powerful and relevant to the message she’s trying to communicate. I encourage you to create your own list (with your partner) to be sure to have a better understanding of his or her needs.

Finally, the list:

   10 Things Men Want Women to Take to Heart:

1. Don’t Try to Change Me
2. Respect Me
3. Understand
4. Pray for Me
5. See Me as God Sees Me
6. Let Me Be Me
7. Let me OWN the Responsibility
8. Feed Me (I take this to mean both physically and spiritually)
9. Build Me Up
10. Express Your Discontent & Disappointment in Me Without Anger

I would be curious to know what men would want their wives to know and vice versa, that are not included in this list. I encourage you to add them in the comments below.

Happy Healthy Hip Parenting
Peace Begins in the Home

ADHD

I know little about ADHD other than what media reports about the increase of young people diagnosed with this “disorder.” Growing up, I don’t think this term was in existence, at least not that I was aware of.

My son is only 4 1/2 and not at risk, I don’t think, for ADHD, but it doesn’t hurt to be aware of the symptoms and learn a little more about it since, chances are, either he or someone he knows will be diagnosed with ADHD over the coming years.

I discovered a great article this morning, courtesy of Your Total Health, which included some facts that might help parents and teachers that work with young children.

• 19 Facts About ADHD
• Managing ADHD: A Parent’s Guide to Success
• A Guide to ADHD Medications

I’d love to hear from readers who have children that have been diagnosed with ADHD or if you are an adult living with ADHD yourself. We all learn from each other so I’d like to know what your biggest challenges have been and what we can learn from your experience.

Happy Healthy Hip Parenting
Peace Begins in the Home

Sesame Street Revamps Website

My son has outgrown Sesame Street although we still watch PBS Kids from time to time. I especially enjoy WordGirl, Between the Lions, Arthur, Super WHY!, WordWorld, and Dragon Tales.

I recently heard that Sesame Street has revamped its website so I had to check it out. I can’t even tell you how much fun my son and I have playing games on line. He first learned his colors and how to use the computer mouse from the learning activities found on this family-friendly website. Now, he’s learning basic math skills from Cyber Chase and I can’t begin to describe how safe I feel when he’s on the site, having fun and learning at the same time.

I often get letters in the mail from Sesame Workshop, asking for donations. I will tell you that even though my son no longer watches Sesame Street, I will always send them money since I know how valuable those early experiences with language and learning truly are to my child’s development.

If you haven’t visited the Sesame Street since it made some improvements, head over now. The site for parents includes many great tips, such as the article on Understanding How Preschoolers Handle Stress or Handling Delicate or Hurtful Situations.

Happy Healthy Hip Parenting
Peace Begins in the Home